MarKNepo

Wanted to recommend this site. The poems by Mark Nepo are sometimes read at the Five Rhythms class I attend.

SingleParenting

Affirmation that occurred to me today:

The universe provides me with all I need to have more and more ease and support and joy and wisdom, (why not?) day by day with parenting my dear daughter.

We are assisted by loving souls who are in the spiritual realms within this world, and we receive their healing and sustenance.


John's ease and humor are appreciated. My dad's care and love for me is appreciated. May all dads feel good in their hearts for the sacrifices and goodness they have given. Bless, John, today and always. He died 3 years ago. Ouch.

To you and me, Claudia

AffirmatiionLists

This morning on waking I found myself thinking of gathering affirmations to make an Affirmation Bank bank book. As a freeby, for now, first I'll share a tip, and then some affirmations, quotes, questions, and a couple of heart-said prayers from the previous blogs… Some of these will be in the bank books which will be available on demand for Yes We Can prices.


Tips


As you may know:

You can say affirmations while looking at yourself in a mirror.

One way to work with them is to write the affirmation on one side of a page, and right the resistances to the affirmation on the other, then write the affirmation again, then write resistance, etc... until the resistances run out and the affirmation starts feeling right.

Affirmations can use the words “You”, “I” or use your name, in them.

I totally accept and love myself. I totally need to give credit for this affirmation to a therapist Michelle Barone who works a lot with home-schooling families, and who shared this style of affirmation at a conference. She learned it from a group called EFT started by Gary Craig. The basic format is: Even though__________________ (fill in the blanks)I still deeply accept and love myself.This brings in the Jewish principle that the greatest spirituality is in bringing the highest consciousness to the lowest level. The Jungians also fish for the dark spots, for the deaths that then brink re-births.


Frank Note* I like affirmations that reduce and/or eliminate shame, like this one does.


Example: Even though I didn't get to all my cases at work today, I totally love and accept myself.

Looking forward to seeing your affirmations. Please feel free to make deposits in the comments section, to journal there about interest you are receiving on your affirmations, and to comment on anything you read here. And feel free to make as many withdrawals as you want.


A f f i r m a t i o n s

Even though I cannot do everything perfectly for myself or my loved one, I deeply and totally accept and love myself.


Quotes

I have learned in recent years that my faults, the defects that keep me from creating the work I want to do, are not flaws or failures. They are wounds. The merest shift in the word shifts attitude. As failure, flaws, defects, I want to crush them underfood, smash their noses in, impale their heads upon a pike and mount it on the tower wall. But this is my very soul I am impaling there, the essence of my heart. Block, the inability to proceed, signals not a defect but a wound exposed; and curiously in our wounds lie our divinity...healing comes from tenderness. Embrace the wounds, wash them, bandage them with loving care...
- Sophy Burnam

"Take your main fear about living more of your creative dreams and describe it in detail." - SARK!


“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”
- Theodore Isaac Rubin (American Writer and psychiatrist)

To phrase this as an affirmation, it could read, "Little by little, day by day, and moment by moment as I remember, I am loving the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”


More Affirmations

I enjoy the confidence of following my heart.
I enjoy the gift of the Creator's confidence in me, flowing through my words and actions.



Parenting

I totally accept and love myself as an imperfect but loving and making efforts parent.

I forgive myself for mistakes I have made in parenting.

I enjoy the blossoms of friendship and the luscious fruits they yield into.


I Trust


I trust the universe is assisting me and surrrounding me with compassion and help

I trust my inner resources and outer resources to guide me for my next steps towards worthy goals

I am good company.

I crack myself up.

I have a funny and good relationship with moi, myself, and I.

You are like apple blossoms - giving life to all on your path.

I am open to the surprise goodness and beauty in people that don't fit societal norms of beauty - today especially honoring women larger than the U.S. societal norm.


To my body, after closing my eyes and breathing deep:
I love you with all of your perfections and imperfections.


I trust in the process that leads my family to a location and activities that will be best for us. I am greatful for the Creator's connections for our future, and for all the good people we have met.

I am grateful for the gifts of the Creator within and without.

I enjoy the freedom, clarity and confidence of taking care of my happiness and heart longings.

I enjoy the freedom of taking care of my emotions, and containing, expressing, comforting and/or balancing them according to the needs of the moment.

I say yes to this life here. Even though I suffer at times with the pain of not knowing how to negotiate some communication with others or with ego stumbles or lack of confidence, I totally love and accept myself.

I say yes to apple blossoms.


I trust. I trust my Spirit, my emotions, my body, my breath, this universe amongst the millions of universes, the Source of apple blossoms, and your power to create affirmations too.

I continue to trust when I stop trusting.


It is fabulous to have an embracing relationship within oneself. And to make love with the Creator through reading, prayer and reflection.

I am following the hints around me and within me, those subtle hints the color of dawn and I have the courage to be new versions of what I thought of as myself as I keep climbing.

I am open to the best direction for my family - one fulfilling, satisfying, helping our growth on all levels and allowing maximum service for what we can offer in our lfe mandala now. This or something more inspired.

I take time to tend the plants of my deepest dreams.

I can w/effort, follow a wonderful path and schedule times and enjoy making plans for creative dreams to manifest of writing, theater, teaching, etc...

I am refining my focus so my energy can manifest.

My eyes are open and hands ready to do what needs to be done to open doors for financial stabiity and prosperity in our lives.


* * * Questions

What are your needs and how can you fill them with ease and trust? What is in your heart? What else do you want to say?

ExpressiveArtsJournalsOffered

Have been working day and night to produce this journal, which is from my love of color, my experience with what I needed for grieving, and my love of working with paper. I heard today that creativity stimulates the same area of the brain as healing does. When someone is healing from a physical injury, the same part of their brain is lit as when someone is being creative!! I am healing all the time. I'm having trouble downloading pictures, but hope to do this soon.

Today I read from Alan Wolfelt's book/journal about the journey through grief. It brought up to me that his work would have been helpful to have earlier, as he talks about facing that the death happened as the first thing that needs to be done. I realized I haven't totally gotton the gems out of grief and worn them on my crown - I still am holding on to how hard it is to be single mom,, and widowed in this society. More work to do! His approach is helpful and compassionate. Mine is more intuitive. He is an expert and I am someone who is going on her own experience. So tired from late night production. Here it is and I have some good testimonials I hope to insert soon. I got my first order this week!

New Expressive Arts Journals - Introductory Special
Dancing Artist: A Journal for Discovering Treasures
Birthday % Holiday Editions

The Birthday Journal is for reflection on what is to celebrate about you, and to take steps to embody your deepest dreams and inclinations towards growth. For yourself or another person you cherish. Children and Babies Birthday Journal - a version for birthdays of little people – the doting relatives and friends at the birthday party fill out portions about memories, wishes, and shining attributes already noted). Mini-Holiday Journals are to let family friends express/appreciate/share holiday hopes at holiday gatherings. Journals can be brought out yearly. Calligraphed name/birth date on birthday journals.

Love 101: To Mourn, Perchance to Dance Journal

This is an awesome journal containing sections that that open up reflection, awareness and integration, and bring the person grieving love and compassion in their process. Hand-calligraphed, book includes Reflection Questions, Expressive Arts Exercises, Bridge from Guilt to Compassion, Canopy of Support, and Faces of Grief illustration.

The Color Coded Clutch Purse: What to Pack Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually for Honey’s Hospital Stay

This journal contains excellent tools for keeping sane on all levels and preventing unnecessary stress before, during, and after a hospitalization. Author created it based on 20 years as a hospital social worker, and going through hospitalizations with her husband when he had cancer. Contains journal pages with calligraphy and vivid pastel color.


Journals contain natural wool/cashmere yarns or ribbons & surprises.
Expressive Arts from and for the Heart. By expressive arts therapist, MSW. Comfort Baskets & “You are Loved” monthly/weekly pages available for stressed people. Journals $23, Introductory Special: $19. Mini-Journals $5, now $4. Contact me and will e-mail shipping and handling fees/order form. Give the gift of healing for the holidays.

Call/ e-mail: Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net, Claudia Gold: 310.707.6306

ExpressiveArtsJournalsforSpecialOccasions

I'm so excited to put in form years of evolving journals that I've been creating. I will include all the info after I get back from having a great Sunday.

NavigatingHospitalizations

Even though I canot do everything perfectly for myself or my loved one, I deeply and totally accept and love myself.


The Color Coded Purse: What to Pack for Your Body, Mind and Spirit During a Loved One's Hospital Stay

If you have a loved one in the hospital, you might want to read an article I once wrote about navigating hospitalizations. I view this very seriously, because it takes every skill one has, every emotional strength and attitude adjusting ability to stay on top of this type of transforming life event. Of course I wrote this for challenging hospitalizations, not for the wonderful ones like when a loved one has a well baby.

Tips for Preparing for Hospitalization of Loved One (If You Know of Hospitalization in Advance)

1. Take a tour of the medical center in advance, to add to your sense of security, and reduce anxiety. Get familiar with the eating establishments, what is located where, and what hours they are open. Ask for the hospital information booklet that has directions, phones numbers.

2. You can call the hospital and ask for a security person, a social worker, a chaplain, to ask questions that help familiarize you with the hospital culture, policies, parking, services, routines, lay-out. You may make friendly, helpful connections, and find a familiar person at the hospital.

3. If various people are helping you with such things as your house, children, plants, cats and dogs, snake, frog, type a list with address and phone number of hospital, directions to hospital, and phone numbers of people involved, and e-mail list to all people helping.

4. Be as good to yourself as possible the week or two before the hospitalization, if it is a planned hospitalization. Get a massage. Avoid difficult people. (It is not unusual for a relative or two to behave badly at the worst times [don’t let it rob your peace] or for someone to be an angel out of the blue).

5. If you call a doctor or nurse and they do not call you back, avoid taking it personally, and focus on getting the answers. If ten calls fall through the cracks, and you keep asking why, you can get very stressed out. Ask what you can learn, such as that you can be perseverant in contacting medical staff to get whatever questions you have about the medical condition/procedure/hospitalization answered (call morning and evening, or five times a day, or very early or late if necessary).

Surgery dates are not written in stone: if you need one changed, call to arrange it. Call to confirm scheduled surgery/procedure date. If you have doctors at different hospitals, even if they have different specializations, do not rely on them to get on the same page; make certain they have the same agenda, especially for surgeries/procedures, and that they have each other’s cell phones. Have surgeons spell out for you what their plans and contingency plans are for a surgery.

You are needed to be a kind of care coordinator; the staff/doctor may be busy, unable to reach your other doctor, or otherwise not get around to it even if they intended to and told you they would. Doctors may have many pressures and patients, in a medical center environment which may be in the red and cost-conscious.

6. Consider the team approach: ask close relative(s) and/or friend(s) or members of faith community to be on the team to support your loved one, to take shifts with you in staying in the hospital to care for and advocate full-time when your loved one is hospitalized, or at least sedated or not fully themselves. {Call in the troops; it could prevent one person from getting post-traumatic stress disorder). Nurse’s aides and nurses are sometimes too busy to provide personal care desired. I believe if the person hospitalized is very close to you, it can help for you to have a support person there for you, at least for the days of a major surgery, to help with practical things and to ground and support you.

7. Attach a spiral purse-sized notebook to your purse, where you write down information, or put all notes in your daily organizer or wherever you keep things to be organized. The notebook is for keeping with you to write down notes on what doctors say, on the spot, such as mid-surgery, and during rounds. Men might want to keep a tiny pad of paper in their pants pocket.

Also collect doctors' business cards for correct spelling and fax numbers. Ask how to reach doctors generally, and at nights, on week-ends and holidays. Your notebook, or your scheduler, will keep numbers of medical team, and people, therapist, organizations you might want to call for support. (It also can be used as a journal for keeping favorite inspiring quotes, happy photos, reminders, a stress balancing plan, pages for journaling, and your ongoing, dated, lists of questions and staff’s answers).

8. Feel free to ask friends, relatives, faith community for help and give them an opportunity to reap the rewards of service. I asked a friend how often I could call, and she said daily, any time day or night – was I happily surprised! Perhaps you need a meal, people gathered around your loved one or yourself to pray the night before chemo or surgery, help getting the house in order to feel sane, or prayers. If you ask, the most wonderful people may come over to help, and be companions so you do not feel alone.


What to Bring to Hospital for You and Your Loved One

1. Copies of previous tests, reports, and films (helps to buy films if illness could be progressive).

2. Comfortable, breathable fabric, clothes than can double as pajamas, if you stay over in room or lounge, and change of clothes - include hooded sweat shirt for warmth (especially if your loved one goes to the ICU and you sleep in a waiting room), and slip on shoes, for getting up at night. A few days’ supply of underwear.

3. Toiletries in an Organizer, placed in a tote bag - 1) Little boxes of soap, shampoo, conditioner; shower cap; deodorant; 2) mini tooth brush and tooth paste, mouth wash; 3) make-up; 4) nail care; 5) brush and comb, organic lavender lotion (or your favorite type) and massage oil to massage loved one and give self foot massage; 6) side pockets can hold packets of herb tea (e.g. Chamomile, Tension Tamer, Chai), spare socks, thank you cards, stationary and stamps. (I also included natural homeopathic and flower remedies such as Rescue Remedy - a few drops in water bottle, and 5HTP Calm - to reduce my anxiety). Organize in travel bag with multiple see-through and mesh compartments, like the Studio Basic's Overnight Pack.

Place overnight pack in a tote bag containing soft toilet paper and soft tissues, natural room spray, your filled vitamin box, water bottles and your favorite crafts/hobbies: knitting, magazines or projects, described below. Also include a notebook with copies of previous labs and test results, any discharge summaries, and current medications, (Some people have notebooks with copies of all records from doctors’ offices and from hospitalizations – obtained through Medical Records). A separate bag will be needed for your food, and food your loved one likes that fits in with the diet ordered by the M.D. This bag may or may not fit in your large tote bag. Any films from cat-scans, MRI’s…will be large, needing a bag of their own (could use a portfolio carrier) or carried by themselves.

4. Music: Radio, 2 CD player/cassette/"walkman" players, headphones for you and loved one, favorite CD's, tapes.

5. Favorite foods, drinks, teas. I included some fresh foods like red peppers and baby carrots, with ranch dip, potatoes, and salsa. Fresh food is pleasant to eat in the hospital, consider fruit salad. Treat foods are nice, such as quiche, and bottled water. Most hospitals have a little fridge and microwave in a pantry for guests. If caregiver stays at a hotel, a refrigerator can be requested. Next time I would bring a small blender as I like smoothies.

6. Knitting, crocheting, a handi-craft, short project, and/or favorite magazine, book of humor or short stories, and your MOST inspiring literature and/or tapes/CD's (may include something from your religion/spiritual path that gives meaning to illness/life challenges, and a tape that includes subliminal messages for recovering from surgery or illness), and videos or CD’s of movies. A flashlight. As you know, a caregiver can read an article or chapter, or do a project, while waiting for the loved one to get out of a test or procedure or while sitting in the room or lounge, and can be adaptable to stop for when a doctor, meal, visitor arrives. The flashlight is for night or early morning, setting up your music, journaling, reading including your most inspiring quote, poem, or sacred book, praying, meditating, and reflecting.

Sometimes people are so on remote control, focused, or with so much adrenaline and other stress chemicals, hyper-alert and juggling so many things, that they can’t read, pray and meditate in their usual way in the hospital – but can benefit from being in nature, looking out a window onto nature, taking a shower, writing a poem, using some physical relaxation method or some other way they find they can get connected.

7. Purse - with lots of compartments & attached cell phone carrier, and change purse with key chain attached (or other large key chain, to find easily), stocked with cash for cafeteria, phone card in case hospital has a policy against using cell phones, protein bars or other snacks to tide you over in case of an emergency room visit, and breath mints for close contact with your loved one. Keep everything, including spiral notebook, in purse at all times.

8. Lap-top computer - Some people like to bring theirs for projects, research, passing time, etc…

9. Photos and decorations for making hospital room a healing center, and dry erase markers (one medical center did not write the names of nurses on white board as people stole their dry erase pens). Pack photo of loved one in a setting they love, family photos, cards, quotes, that you and your loved one love, and place at bedside or on bulletin board, to inspire and heal you and your loved one. I put up a large poster of a rural farm house and stream, and brought in a lush green plant, as my husband has allergies to flowers. We hung a crystal by the window. Bring natural items of beauty or scent that you like to balance the hospital environment:: a sea shell, a peacock feather, a little Zen sandbox with a rake, a bouquet of lavender, sage and other fragrant herbs, grapefruit oil, herbal tea…

10. Bedding and bathrobe, slippers - Some people like to bring blanket, pillow and a few softer sheets (some hospitals have rough sheets) for the bed, from home, for their loved one. (A caregiver might have a preference for having their own pillow and blanket, too, if planning to stay over)

11. Gifts and thank-you for staff, loved one, for yourself. We gave small gifts/note cards to staff who was especially helpful, and gifts for unit, such as a placard we helped color, that said "Care" on it, Uniball© pens (they are like gold in a medical center]. According to medical center policies, gifts for staff need to be perishable - flowers, food, ordering a dinner delivered for nurses. Presents for your loved one, or for yourself – your loved one may be too sedated to thank you - might be a pretty new journal, a new lotion, music or book on tape, a pretty shirt with favorite colors; unwrap your presents when you need one.

Support for You Supporting Your Loved One in the Hospital

1. Soon after you arrive, scout out, or ask nurse or other families for locations of family pantries, lounges, family rooms, available cots, linen closet.

2. Monitor for safety and comfort: medications and dosages, any reactions; ordered tests done on time, nutrition correct as ordered; adequate blankets for procedures... Advocate in person for adequate sedation if test painful.

3. When doctors make rounds, briefly summarize what other doctors have told you. Be prepared to discuss clearly and concisely your list of questions, and let doctors know you have a list of questions in the first minutes of seeing them (they may only stop by for three minutes and may not ask if you have questions; you can supply them with a copy to refer to, or give nurse a dated copy to give to doctor). Remember that you are an important part of the team, with a unique perspective from being with your loved one consistently, and being familiar with what has gone on. Your love for the person hospitalized may be the strongest healing force involved. Even if you feel intimidated by a doctor, remember, they are not God, and it is normal not to understand medical terminology, especially when stressed. Feel free to keep asking. (It is normal to feel stupid).

4. A positive, grateful approach can bring out the best in people, and keep you less stressed. Nurses, social workers, chaplains, case mangers, can be helpful allies. If I had to give one piece of advice it would be: focus on being courteous, e.g. “Would you be so kind as to….?” A natural, and mutually beneficial way to do this is to make a connection with the staff person, by empathizing about their day or shift, asking how they are doing, noticing something in common. Ask and ask again as needed to prevent requests from falling into black holes.

One experienced nurse recommended standing at the nurse station with your request, if you want to be helped. She reiterated that the squeaky wheel only gets the grease. Squeaking early on can prevent being resentful and angry later. Be prepared to keep asking sweetly, with gratitude, as much as you need to, and to be more assertive than you have ever been in your entire life. My uncle who is a rabbi considers nurses as healing angels from God, and my aunt brings them home-baked treats; they came back from my uncle’s hospital stay with only positive things to say about the staff and the experience. Another uncle gave huge amounts of appreciation and even tips to staff – and people went out of their way to help him.

5. Find a safe, loving, and even creative way to feel and express feelings. Unexpressed feelings don't go away, but can come out in unexpected ways. One way is to share the real thoughts and feelings with someone who is both loving and honest. If they have experience with having a family member ill, or with hospitalizations, all the better. You want to be wise open up to people who have been consistently trustworthy.

Sometimes it is a dance to feel out who you feel comfortable talking about what to, and to trust it. The support may come from a hospital social worker, therapist, family member, friend, chaplain, telephone counselor from an organization related to your loved one's illness, person of your faith, and/or a support group.

In my particular situation, dealing with an ongoing illness of my loved one, I found it very helpful to find a touching piece of music that made me cry and listen to it over and over again, getting out my tears. I also found going to a expressive moment class (in this case based on the work of Gabrielle Roth, and her Five Rhythms work, including many tyles of music), writing poems, and doing journaling, including with free drawing, accesses different layers of feeling, and movis through mental barriers and stuck places into new awarenesses in a way that is surprising, and comes from within.

6. Do something relaxing and/or inspiring before going to sleep, whether it is taking deep, comfortable breaths, progressive relaxation, listening to a soothing tape, praying, or giving yourself a foot massage. Be open to healing, strength, and wisdom during your sleep.

7. When you are out of sorts, feel out how much space you need: try leaving the room, going down the hall, taking a walk outside, calling a friend/therapist; or going home for a break: to take a bath, hug the cat/child, and/or go to the hairdresser or masseuse. I felt bad leaving, but came back after a long stay in a massage chair, with a new cute hair-cut , and my husband told me I looked beautiful. Wow.

8. If your loved one is grumpy, don't take it personally. You and loved one may have different styles, and under stress of the hospitalization, conflicts can occur, sometimes over loved one wanting autonomy, but dealing with having limited independence.

9. When you stay over: arrange treats for yourself in hospital: have food delivered, rent movies, asks a friend to visit for you even if your loved one is not up for a visit. Take a nice hot shower to relieve stress. Visit with other pleasant family members/friends who are at the hospital for their loved ones. They can be an informal support group. Open presents you have brought for yourself, when you need one.

10. Whatever you are feeling, however strange, is normal. Give yourself understanding for anything you are feeling, even if it seems bizarre. You may feel strange to yourself and neurotic tendencies and regression might surface under these stresses. You may feel like you are on remote-control, hyper-alert, and anyone who tries to be intellectual with you might not make any sense. Feeling strange is part of the response during stress and crisis times. On the positive side, you may be more present, in the moment, where you can appreciate a smile, a pretty scrub outfit, a rose, a view out a window.

11. Don’t hesitate to ask for anything: all you can get it a yes or no. We asked for a room with a view, and when it was available, received it, and it made a difference to my husband. When our to be adopted daughter was born, we asked for a room for the night to be with her and received it. When my husband wanted to be discharged on a Sunday and there was no discharge planner available, we asked the head nurse and we got it done. I have seen people create their own realities at hospitals, such as a mom with a newborn in ICU who lived locally camping out in a family room reserved for out of town families, because it was essential for her that she be there.

12. You and your team members are the ones who can put the lip moisturizer on your loved one, massage their feet, read or sing to them, get the headphones and CD set up, go get a needed pad or blanket, adjust the room temperature, ask staff for something they need, tell staff they are not ready to be discharged if you are seeing signs of that. You are the ones that can advocate if there is a need; the nurse’s aides and nurses might be too busy. At the least, you may be preventing them being more stressed in an already stressful situation, and from slipping backwards. At the most, you could be saving your loved one’s life. Trust your intuiton and err on the side of speaking your truth.

While I sincerely hope you gain one or more helpful tips from this article, one that will be useful for you or someone else, and may be remembered at some later date when needed, you may find yourself at an ER, a medical center, an ICU, supporting someone, with nothing on any of these lists, no color coded purse. In that instance, you are the color coded purse. You are the best resource. Your presence, your instincts, your kindness, your ability to connect with staff, with your loved one, to focus on getting what your loved one needs and not react to the five things that are not happening like you might like them to, are the most important things you will need.

Friends, to be always ready for an emergency in such situations, you need to keep on top of giving yourself some care, some pleasures. As feasible, take big portions of things like: sunlight, sitting in nature, tea, your own hair cuts and dentist and health visits, showers, music, massage chairs, clean underwear, holding hands with friend, speaking to loving friend on phone. And don't feel guilty for not doing this perfectly. There is no perfection here, we all make mistakes and have delays with caring for ourselves and for our loved ones.

Best wishes to you and honoring you for your helpful, devoted services to your loved one, and for caring for your sweet self, in advance.

Remember Gary Craig's (EFT) wonderful affirmation formula, applied here as: Even though I canot do everything perfectly for myself or my loved one, I deeply and totally accept and love myself.
Claudia Gold-Fanning c 2008

I am currently offering consultations and presentations on The Color Coded Purse, through my company Foundations for Excellence, and have a forthcoming book on the subject. I can be reached at (310) 514-2484. You are free to quote from this article if you include author's name and title of work it is from.

ThisMoment

Boundaries - I need to go construct boundaries for my day... So I have only a few moments.

Sari, regarding your comment about how to use the "This Moment Calendar", I think it is to notice anything you are feeling in your body, mind, soul and that writing elicits the awareness, sortof like meditating on paper. I will share some moments:

Antsy cause I have so much to do
Dove on wire above jacaranda trees is no longer there
Arms look relaxed on computer board even though I am tensed for what to do today
I will need strength to tackle tasks for today
I think I'll take EmergenC
And walk - schedule a walk
I notice the long post I just did disappeared when I went to edit it
I need to save in the future
I will share with Sari a "This Moment Calendar" I filled in when I first created it when I was in a meditative and perhaps wanting to appear meditative frame of mind
I will use the This Moment calendar myself and see what it is like to use it
My breathing is a little jagged
I feel some nervousness
I put my hands criss-crossed in the center of my chest
And ask for the Creator's help for today
In my humble way, I'd like to be in harmony
I'd like to be a BlessingSong
And put faith in practice as in the quote I read this morning:

"There are three kinds of Faith: first, that which is from tradition and birth. For example: a child is born of Muhammadan parents, he is a Muhammadan. This faith is weak traditional faith: second, that which comes from Knowledge, and is the faith of understanding. This is good, but there is a better, the faith of practice. This is real faith. (Abdu'l-Baha, Abdu'l-Baha in London, p. 64)

Oh Creator guide me
Oh Creator I trust you and all those that help me. may I be open to Your subtle suggestions

Love, Claudia

P.S. If you click on the calendar, as you know, the image will enlarge and you can read at least some of the words that are there. This was the meditative "This Moment Calendar" - the first one I created when I didn't notice fears and anxieties like I did today.

BlessingSong

What is a BlessingSong?
I don't know. The word just occurred to me.

I know once I was sick in the waiting room of a hospital and someone sang and it brought me hope. My heart went up an octave. Perhaps I can be BlessingSong for others... A song has rhythm, and often harmony, and words that are about a real experience or that inspire. I would like to be a BlessingSong. And if someone thought of me, or the moment I was in their life, they would feel that blessing again, and it would add to the blessing in their life and my life. Forgive me if I am a little esoteric this morning.

I wanted to answer Sari's question about how to use the This Moment Calendar. But first I want to share a quote I just read that presented a challenge. As I write about it I see it fits into the reflection on BlessingSong.

"There are three kinds of Faith: first, that which is from tradition and birth. For example: a child is born of Muhammadan parents, he is a Muhammadan. This faith is weak traditional faith: second, that which comes from Knowledge, and is the faith of understanding. This is good, but there is a better, the faith of practice. This is real faith. (Abdu'l-Baha, Abdu'l-Baha in London, p. 64)

The faith of practice. Yesterday I was part of a poetry reading at the Creative Arts Center....and afterwards I spoke with a younger poet - she was perhaps 21 or 22. And my conscience tells me that though I spoke with her about her college plans and she said she was honored to be part of a book with such poets, I didn't see her like I would see a peer my age, and that I practiced ageism. And I know I want to stretch and let go of these categories of conformity I've subscribed to. And I see how the society itself is keeling over because it signed up for conformity also - conformity on how much savings to have or not have and that debt was OK, and that certain people were enemies, etc...

So, in terms of the this moment calendar, these are a few of my current moments I would put into the calendar:

Breathing deeply, sighing, feeling a tinge of discomfort and sadness, feeling embarrassed to reveal myself, feeling open but a little scared, aware that I need to schedule my day as yesterday I didn't allot time to some important things, wanting to do dishes, left eye feels sore, so does right, bun feels tight on my head, I see the mess of papers and stuff on my desk, decide to get going, take hair out of bun, see glasses and eye glasses and stuff I want to put in purse when I stop typing, decide to schedule my day next, notice trees above my curtain and a dove on the wire above trees, take down curain so I can see two huge jacaranda trees, wonder at the lone dove sitting there that I hadn't seen, maybe it is a pigeon I think, but pigeons don't fly that high, do they?, wonder if this dove/pigeon is a sign from the Creator, facing me like this, maybe meaning that something beautiful is always there but I might not always see it - cause I'm looking in a different place, a flying creature/bug flies by...

Well, this was how my calendar went for that 10 seconds or so. I will include the moments calendar where I was either in a more meditative or trying to appear I was in a more meditative space, and...the dove-high flying pigeon is still there, my eyes are sore because I'm tired, I need to do something about my inflatable bed that is deflating while I sleep, and sagging.

I thought this post was lost because the page was blank when i returned to it so I started another labeled This Moment. (I found post - it had auto-saved). The "This Moment" blog continues from here and repeats the quote and some of the threads...but actually was valuable because I can see, and hope you can see, how movement occurred when I watched my moments as I continued in the ThisMoment blog. Have a good moment!!

EnlightenedGardener

This is a calendar for this moment.* One can use it to record thoughts or activities for this moment and then the next this moment and on.
Along that line, I want to recommend the book "The Enlightened Gardener" by Sydney Banks. What if the past is just empty images that have no substance but what we give to them? Warmly, Claudia

* I made this calendar a while back, thinking of people in the world that don't know if they will live the next moment, and the International Medical Corps who helps such people around the planet. It is copyright Claudia Gold, 2008. I think using it can open up a door to novelty, creativity and awareness. Let me know if you use it and what it was like.

HappyBirthdayJohn

and Michael. Today is the birthday of my husband who died two years and three months ago. It is also the birthday of his twin Michael and of my uncle Rabbi Joseph Renov.


Happy Birthday!!

I am in Seattle at a Quality Inn, sitting outside the breakfast area smelling waffles, and mulling a strange set of events. I came to Seattle rather spontaneously to see my daughter off to a camp she just decided she wanted to go to. I was waiting in this hotel lobby where I'd stayed the night before to hear from a friend who'd said I could stay with her, and who I'd left a few messages for but couldn't reach. I was watching news about the rescued dog and the murdered wife that repeated every five minutes, on the TV. Finally, after waiting a while the friend called and said the logistics weren't right for me to stay there. I didn't tell her how vulnerable and homeless I felt, sitting there in the lobby as it rained outside. I also hadn't heard from another old friend in Seattle.

I haggled and got a good rate and then went into the one bed room, looking for a vase for the dahliahs I'd bought at the Seattle market for my friend who I was not staying with anymore $78 later. I put a plastic cup into the plastic rectangular ice container and set the yellow-orange, purple and white dahliahs there. I ordered Pad Thai and curry for dinner, and afterwards spoke on the phone to a friend who I value so much for her mind, her heart, her laugh, her spirituality, her creativity. In the course of the conversation she invited my daughter and I to live with her and her daughter for a year, in Atlanta! I can barely, oh yes, I will, take this in, that though I felt so lonely, here a person who I value so much wants to be with me and her daughter wants to be with my daughter. Through all the lonely, disconnected moments of the weeks, years of not having John, here this star shines through. So I have some big decisions ahead.

The decision to come to Seattle to bring my daughter to camp was made by following the light I could see in the camp - what it would do for her, this arts camp that focused on virtues. I felt John wanted her to go, and that was a bit odd, and as I reflected about it in the front garden near my house in San Pedro, a hummingbird flew up. It seemed like a possible confirmation. Then she came home Monday and said she wanted to go to the camp, after not wanting to for a week. I had to move a little bit of heaven and earth to get her to it - to get us to the plane in an hour and a half. I was so stressed that I was sobbing silently as I was making the reservations (can't really do that out loud to a reservastion agent, can you?). I have had CHALLENGES with decision making, with confidence, and I'm grabbing at that light, following that thread of light to make decisions for my life, no matter what it takes.

John's birthday. I will pray for him after waffles. One thing I will note about him is that he used his wisdom and humor in parenting, and was really sweet to snuggle with! Oh, and bless him for paying the bills all those years, and for his steadiness and sweetness and listening ear. Claudia

CreativeDreamsFantasiesOrHardWork

I am full with creating/writing/doing. I am inspired by a tape called "The Creative Fire" by Sounds True productions, where Clarrissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. said essentially that sometimes we leave our creative dreams as fantassies because they are lovelier that way. Doing them would mean hard work. This combined with what SARK said that we need to make mistakes, gives IMPETUS (I like that word)to do things imperfectly.

Gotta go create. Have an inspiring, creative day yourself, midst the practicalities.

Claudia

CollageAffirmingJackie

This is photo of collage I made for Jackie's birthday. Camber just called to teach me how to better blog. "The eye, I think, has more joy when it sees an image," he told me. In the photo you can see the ribbons - each ribbon is attached to a card and on each card I calligraphed a wonderful quality I saw in Jackie, so she can pull them out in a down moment and remember what a beautiful being she is.

At work the other day at a partial hospitalization program group session a woman said that when people say things they appreciate about others they become more beautiful. I will find the quote and post it here. So I guess the collage was for Jackie and for me. Signing off.

IAmGratefulToEachPersonWhoReachedOuttoMe

This is a poem a woman named Kate sent today.

She wrote: It's by a poet from Wellfleet, Massachusetts named Marge Piercy. It's one of my favorites.

The Seven of Pentacles

Under a sky the color of pea soup
she is looking at her work growing away there
actively, thickly like grapevines or pole beans
as things grow in the real world, slowly enough.
If you tend them properly, if you mulch, if you water,
if you provide birds that eat insects a home and winter food,
if the sun shines and you pick off caterpillars,
if the praying mantis comes and the ladybugs and the bees,
then the plants flourish, but at their own internal clock.

Connections are made slowly, sometimes they grow underground.
You cannot tell always by looking what is happening.
More than half the tree is spread out in the soil under your feet.
Penetrate quietly as the earthworm that blows no trumpet.
Fight persistently as the creeper that brings down the tree.
Spread like the squash plant that overruns the garden.
Gnaw in the dark and use the sun to make sugar.

Weave real connections, create real nodes, build real houses.
Live a life you can endure: Make love that is loving.
Keep tangling and interweaving and taking more in,
a thicket and bramble wilderness to the outside but to us
interconnected with rabbit runs and burrows and lairs.

Live as if you liked yourself, and it may happen:
reach out, keep reaching out, keep bringing in.
This is how we are going to live for a long time: not always,
for every gardener knows that after the digging, after
the planting, after the long season of tending and growth, the harvest comes.


I am grateful -
to Sari, to Esther to Jalieh, to Kate, to Nancy, to Lilly, to each person who connected with me in my state of vulnerable humanness today (or on previous days).

This morning I wrote on a widows board about how hard it is for me to reach out when I am sad or lonely, and how much easier it is to do this through e-mail on the board for widows. After I put it out there, and I mean stuff rom childhood through the present about how much I extend my heart, it was freeing. I called a girlfriend and asked her to go for a walk; though she was not home, she called back later. Various people wrote to me and one asked me for my phone number and called. I am in that after-glow of receiving understanding, love. I feel like I'm surrounded with a kaleidoscope of wonderful beings, and if I wrote down every name from each source, I would be amazed. They are there - but my system for connecting with them isn't yet in a routine or regular and sustaining. They are there, like fountains, like beauty, like people who will write to you when you are down and they are not ashamed or embarrassed to be seen with you or shaming or embarrassing - they say they feel that way some times too.

I am so lucky. Now back to bills, throwing out piles of paper, etc...

But first, I bought three laundry holders in green, blue and white at Ikea the other day for Throw Away, Give Away, Put Away, as flylady.com suggests. And a friend came over - Laura Sweezey. She came over Sunday and began cleaning my sink. She helped me open up my Ikea laundry holders and I started to sort. Before I knew it she was out trimming my lavender plants where you had little 1/8th of side walk to walk on and together we made so much progress, and all this messy side of the house became swept and clean.

Who is she? A person from a simple family in Massachusetts, a working family. She said she likes to work, it makes her feel good afterwards. Then we went for a super energy smoothie at Jamba Juice with some berries from Brazil and soy milk - light purple, sipping away. What a friend. She told me she has training as a coach from Dale Carnegie, and she is a natural - feisty and not getting caught in the emotions. How lucky am I!

Monday I used the momentum to throw away more tree cuttings, trim a tree in the back of the house and totally organize the chaos in the landry-room (just remembered I have a load in that needs to dry). I also cleared a patio space out back to put give away items as Laura suggested.

If any of you happen to want to see my vulnerable human story of how it has been hard for me to reach out, just e-mail me at Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net. I reached out to Laura for help because she is a financial advisor and I'd seen that my output was greater than my input and had asked her for budgeting help. As she swept and chopped, to the point where she had several blisters on her hand, she said that sometimes this is part of getting the finances in order - you have to get your mind straight first. It helps me to know there is a harvest to come from this work!

Expressive Art Playhouse: I'd like to take this suggestion and have in the past:

1. Make anything on which you can list people who have offered to be a support to you, or who acted in loving, caring, uplifting ways.

1a. If you like, cut out angel wings, or sunflowers, or stars or some symbol you feel and write the name of the person, what attribute you see in them (loving, kind, humorous, generous, or ?) and a phone number of e-mail address on that object. You can, for example, do a whole list of names on one set of angel wings, or do a wing for each person.

1b. Or put the names on slips of paper in a box.

2. If you made wings or a star or sunflower or whatever, you can hang your design up on the fridge, or from anywhere you will see it.

3. When times get rough, and praying or reading or affirming or whatever you do isn't getting you what you want - you want a human understanding being to hold onto -pick one slip from box, or one person from the list.

I believe that I and other people who have lost someone that is a close partner need to be around other people a lot, the more in person the better.

Reaching Out Challenge

This is the challenge: To call someone you truly think is wonderful for at least one minute a week. Who will join me in this challenge? Can we do it for July?

Thanks for dropping by. I hope you will find hope and treasures and energy and all you need to do your highest calling and handle all the details of life.

Good night after a very full day. Claudia

Slowingdown

My house sucks. Smile. My house sucks big. My house is very messy. I was very overwhelmed by it and by my life today. I was overwhelmed at being single and having so much on me. I was overwhelmed that there was no one to help me (unless I asked), or paid for it. I was overwhelmed to have so much over time undone stuff that weighed on me night and day or at least day. I have been waking up paniced.

There is a soup bow with dried Tortilla Soup on the range, and the paper plates have dried up what's left of Trader Joe's dog food that I had to feed the cats because they were out of food, and asking. The dining room antique game table is full of piles of bills I hoped to organize but didn't get around to organizing and now they are mixed up, and there are other piles on top of them. I have been trying to get host families for Chinese families to make some money (plus have a good job), and I found one great host - need seven. Made up the flyer today - even gave a few out. I got bawled out over the phone by my supervisor this morning for having to leave a job prematurely months ago...when my kid was sick. So these were several of the things that weighed on me plus a neighbor who is older and handy shaking her head at me when I asked why someone would want to level a refridgerator before putting it in. "Do you even know what a level is?" she asked. (The new but used refridgerator sounds like a dentist drill at an airport when a plane is coming in).

As Dawna Markova describes, I was past the point of growth and in that other place where there's too much stretching. I was in a really scary place where I wanted to get rid of all that horribleness I felt, but it was me, and I didn't want to go off the edge, or did I to get rid of it - but I wanted my burdens to go off the edge only they were attached.

After days of feeling some strength, at least in the mornings, and feeling really good some days, the hugeness of all I need to do with papers, electricity repair people, handymen, bathroom baseboard job, Home Depot supplies, summer camps, jobs, got too much. I turned the porch light on - it blew out as I watched - smack. This is the one the electrician just got working two days ago. I turned the kitchen dimmer light on. That didn't work either. I'd just paid $90 for the electrician two days ago. I was on a slippery slope, and it was all too much.

Then my friend Jalieh called. Her voice was soft. She sounded different. I was embarrassed to be so funky, so triggered, so my brain exhausted. She lives in Atlanta and she told me again about this book she is reading, Slowing Down to the Speed of Life."

Because I have been losing papers right and left I wrote the title on a tile. Yes, on a white tile that was piled over my papers on the dining room table. In blue calligraphy pen. On another tile I wrote the author of this or another book she recommended: something about Anatomy of Peace. The author on my tile is George Pransky, pransky and associates.com (not correct address but close I suppose). These authors seem to have really analyzed what makes me feel my house and certain relatives and etc... suck, and why Jalieh makes me feel calm tonight. It was so awkward with her being so calm, peaceful, and me being like a seething fire in a black barbecue.

But by the end of the call I was Jaliehed, I was peaceful. She said she loves to hear my grounded voice and to say what I wanted from my heart. I'm making up the gist of it - it was even better. I prayed from my heart, (not the way we did it in synagogee, but the Christian way Toni - my Christian neighbor at the Johnson dorm at Columbia showed me to do it: personal from the heart). I also sang in another language while I prayed inside, because that frees up my insides to pray - forget about the words.

What if we did not betray our impulse to be kind, to be in integrity, no matter what anyone thought, without rationalizing and justifying it away? What if we were convinced that certain patterns could fall away, and we spared ourselves the constant debate, the inner fighting, the outer jousting and elbowing?

What if we were in harmony and others just added softness like Jalieh did, and asked us to pray or speak from our hearts, and we did, and one by one we felt loved, content and made those choices to not betray our souls? This is what occurs to me after hearing what she told me about the Slowing Down to the Speed of Life book.

She said something she'd also learned recently, about how to make decisions. She told me you ask a three point question (she added the fouth point): How will this choice affect you in ten seconds, in ten minutes, in ten years, for eternity? I realized it is my daughter that really counts to me for eternity. So what if the house sucks? I can get someone to help me with that. And there's a lot more electricity where that bulb comes from.

Good night. May you get through those times when you are at those crossroads of whether to snatch life - or paranoid ruminating, and make choices you smile about.




How are you today? Be well, well - be, welling, willing, being be