I am full with creating/writing/doing. I am inspired by a tape called "The Creative Fire" by Sounds True productions, where Clarrissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. said essentially that sometimes we leave our creative dreams as fantassies because they are lovelier that way. Doing them would mean hard work. This combined with what SARK said that we need to make mistakes, gives IMPETUS (I like that word)to do things imperfectly.
Gotta go create. Have an inspiring, creative day yourself, midst the practicalities.
Claudia
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
CollageAffirmingJackie
This is photo of collage I made for Jackie's birthday. Camber just called to teach me how to better blog. "The eye, I think, has more joy when it sees an image," he told me. In the photo you can see the ribbons - each ribbon is attached to a card and on each card I calligraphed a wonderful quality I saw in Jackie, so she can pull them out in a down moment and remember what a beautiful being she is.
At work the other day at a partial hospitalization program group session a woman said that when people say things they appreciate about others they become more beautiful. I will find the quote and post it here. So I guess the collage was for Jackie and for me. Signing off.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
IAmGratefulToEachPersonWhoReachedOuttoMe
This is a poem a woman named Kate sent today.
She wrote: It's by a poet from Wellfleet, Massachusetts named Marge Piercy. It's one of my favorites.
The Seven of Pentacles
Under a sky the color of pea soup
she is looking at her work growing away there
actively, thickly like grapevines or pole beans
as things grow in the real world, slowly enough.
If you tend them properly, if you mulch, if you water,
if you provide birds that eat insects a home and winter food,
if the sun shines and you pick off caterpillars,
if the praying mantis comes and the ladybugs and the bees,
then the plants flourish, but at their own internal clock.
Connections are made slowly, sometimes they grow underground.
You cannot tell always by looking what is happening.
More than half the tree is spread out in the soil under your feet.
Penetrate quietly as the earthworm that blows no trumpet.
Fight persistently as the creeper that brings down the tree.
Spread like the squash plant that overruns the garden.
Gnaw in the dark and use the sun to make sugar.
Weave real connections, create real nodes, build real houses.
Live a life you can endure: Make love that is loving.
Keep tangling and interweaving and taking more in,
a thicket and bramble wilderness to the outside but to us
interconnected with rabbit runs and burrows and lairs.
Live as if you liked yourself, and it may happen:
reach out, keep reaching out, keep bringing in.
This is how we are going to live for a long time: not always,
for every gardener knows that after the digging, after
the planting, after the long season of tending and growth, the harvest comes.
I am grateful -
to Sari, to Esther to Jalieh, to Kate, to Nancy, to Lilly, to each person who connected with me in my state of vulnerable humanness today (or on previous days).
This morning I wrote on a widows board about how hard it is for me to reach out when I am sad or lonely, and how much easier it is to do this through e-mail on the board for widows. After I put it out there, and I mean stuff rom childhood through the present about how much I extend my heart, it was freeing. I called a girlfriend and asked her to go for a walk; though she was not home, she called back later. Various people wrote to me and one asked me for my phone number and called. I am in that after-glow of receiving understanding, love. I feel like I'm surrounded with a kaleidoscope of wonderful beings, and if I wrote down every name from each source, I would be amazed. They are there - but my system for connecting with them isn't yet in a routine or regular and sustaining. They are there, like fountains, like beauty, like people who will write to you when you are down and they are not ashamed or embarrassed to be seen with you or shaming or embarrassing - they say they feel that way some times too.
I am so lucky. Now back to bills, throwing out piles of paper, etc...
But first, I bought three laundry holders in green, blue and white at Ikea the other day for Throw Away, Give Away, Put Away, as flylady.com suggests. And a friend came over - Laura Sweezey. She came over Sunday and began cleaning my sink. She helped me open up my Ikea laundry holders and I started to sort. Before I knew it she was out trimming my lavender plants where you had little 1/8th of side walk to walk on and together we made so much progress, and all this messy side of the house became swept and clean.
Who is she? A person from a simple family in Massachusetts, a working family. She said she likes to work, it makes her feel good afterwards. Then we went for a super energy smoothie at Jamba Juice with some berries from Brazil and soy milk - light purple, sipping away. What a friend. She told me she has training as a coach from Dale Carnegie, and she is a natural - feisty and not getting caught in the emotions. How lucky am I!
Monday I used the momentum to throw away more tree cuttings, trim a tree in the back of the house and totally organize the chaos in the landry-room (just remembered I have a load in that needs to dry). I also cleared a patio space out back to put give away items as Laura suggested.
If any of you happen to want to see my vulnerable human story of how it has been hard for me to reach out, just e-mail me at Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net. I reached out to Laura for help because she is a financial advisor and I'd seen that my output was greater than my input and had asked her for budgeting help. As she swept and chopped, to the point where she had several blisters on her hand, she said that sometimes this is part of getting the finances in order - you have to get your mind straight first. It helps me to know there is a harvest to come from this work!
Expressive Art Playhouse: I'd like to take this suggestion and have in the past:
1. Make anything on which you can list people who have offered to be a support to you, or who acted in loving, caring, uplifting ways.
1a. If you like, cut out angel wings, or sunflowers, or stars or some symbol you feel and write the name of the person, what attribute you see in them (loving, kind, humorous, generous, or ?) and a phone number of e-mail address on that object. You can, for example, do a whole list of names on one set of angel wings, or do a wing for each person.
1b. Or put the names on slips of paper in a box.
2. If you made wings or a star or sunflower or whatever, you can hang your design up on the fridge, or from anywhere you will see it.
3. When times get rough, and praying or reading or affirming or whatever you do isn't getting you what you want - you want a human understanding being to hold onto -pick one slip from box, or one person from the list.
I believe that I and other people who have lost someone that is a close partner need to be around other people a lot, the more in person the better.
Reaching Out Challenge
This is the challenge: To call someone you truly think is wonderful for at least one minute a week. Who will join me in this challenge? Can we do it for July?
Thanks for dropping by. I hope you will find hope and treasures and energy and all you need to do your highest calling and handle all the details of life.
Good night after a very full day. Claudia
She wrote: It's by a poet from Wellfleet, Massachusetts named Marge Piercy. It's one of my favorites.
The Seven of Pentacles
Under a sky the color of pea soup
she is looking at her work growing away there
actively, thickly like grapevines or pole beans
as things grow in the real world, slowly enough.
If you tend them properly, if you mulch, if you water,
if you provide birds that eat insects a home and winter food,
if the sun shines and you pick off caterpillars,
if the praying mantis comes and the ladybugs and the bees,
then the plants flourish, but at their own internal clock.
Connections are made slowly, sometimes they grow underground.
You cannot tell always by looking what is happening.
More than half the tree is spread out in the soil under your feet.
Penetrate quietly as the earthworm that blows no trumpet.
Fight persistently as the creeper that brings down the tree.
Spread like the squash plant that overruns the garden.
Gnaw in the dark and use the sun to make sugar.
Weave real connections, create real nodes, build real houses.
Live a life you can endure: Make love that is loving.
Keep tangling and interweaving and taking more in,
a thicket and bramble wilderness to the outside but to us
interconnected with rabbit runs and burrows and lairs.
Live as if you liked yourself, and it may happen:
reach out, keep reaching out, keep bringing in.
This is how we are going to live for a long time: not always,
for every gardener knows that after the digging, after
the planting, after the long season of tending and growth, the harvest comes.
I am grateful -
to Sari, to Esther to Jalieh, to Kate, to Nancy, to Lilly, to each person who connected with me in my state of vulnerable humanness today (or on previous days).
This morning I wrote on a widows board about how hard it is for me to reach out when I am sad or lonely, and how much easier it is to do this through e-mail on the board for widows. After I put it out there, and I mean stuff rom childhood through the present about how much I extend my heart, it was freeing. I called a girlfriend and asked her to go for a walk; though she was not home, she called back later. Various people wrote to me and one asked me for my phone number and called. I am in that after-glow of receiving understanding, love. I feel like I'm surrounded with a kaleidoscope of wonderful beings, and if I wrote down every name from each source, I would be amazed. They are there - but my system for connecting with them isn't yet in a routine or regular and sustaining. They are there, like fountains, like beauty, like people who will write to you when you are down and they are not ashamed or embarrassed to be seen with you or shaming or embarrassing - they say they feel that way some times too.
I am so lucky. Now back to bills, throwing out piles of paper, etc...
But first, I bought three laundry holders in green, blue and white at Ikea the other day for Throw Away, Give Away, Put Away, as flylady.com suggests. And a friend came over - Laura Sweezey. She came over Sunday and began cleaning my sink. She helped me open up my Ikea laundry holders and I started to sort. Before I knew it she was out trimming my lavender plants where you had little 1/8th of side walk to walk on and together we made so much progress, and all this messy side of the house became swept and clean.
Who is she? A person from a simple family in Massachusetts, a working family. She said she likes to work, it makes her feel good afterwards. Then we went for a super energy smoothie at Jamba Juice with some berries from Brazil and soy milk - light purple, sipping away. What a friend. She told me she has training as a coach from Dale Carnegie, and she is a natural - feisty and not getting caught in the emotions. How lucky am I!
Monday I used the momentum to throw away more tree cuttings, trim a tree in the back of the house and totally organize the chaos in the landry-room (just remembered I have a load in that needs to dry). I also cleared a patio space out back to put give away items as Laura suggested.
If any of you happen to want to see my vulnerable human story of how it has been hard for me to reach out, just e-mail me at Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net. I reached out to Laura for help because she is a financial advisor and I'd seen that my output was greater than my input and had asked her for budgeting help. As she swept and chopped, to the point where she had several blisters on her hand, she said that sometimes this is part of getting the finances in order - you have to get your mind straight first. It helps me to know there is a harvest to come from this work!
Expressive Art Playhouse: I'd like to take this suggestion and have in the past:
1. Make anything on which you can list people who have offered to be a support to you, or who acted in loving, caring, uplifting ways.
1a. If you like, cut out angel wings, or sunflowers, or stars or some symbol you feel and write the name of the person, what attribute you see in them (loving, kind, humorous, generous, or ?) and a phone number of e-mail address on that object. You can, for example, do a whole list of names on one set of angel wings, or do a wing for each person.
1b. Or put the names on slips of paper in a box.
2. If you made wings or a star or sunflower or whatever, you can hang your design up on the fridge, or from anywhere you will see it.
3. When times get rough, and praying or reading or affirming or whatever you do isn't getting you what you want - you want a human understanding being to hold onto -pick one slip from box, or one person from the list.
I believe that I and other people who have lost someone that is a close partner need to be around other people a lot, the more in person the better.
Reaching Out Challenge
This is the challenge: To call someone you truly think is wonderful for at least one minute a week. Who will join me in this challenge? Can we do it for July?
Thanks for dropping by. I hope you will find hope and treasures and energy and all you need to do your highest calling and handle all the details of life.
Good night after a very full day. Claudia
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Slowingdown
My house sucks. Smile. My house sucks big. My house is very messy. I was very overwhelmed by it and by my life today. I was overwhelmed at being single and having so much on me. I was overwhelmed that there was no one to help me (unless I asked), or paid for it. I was overwhelmed to have so much over time undone stuff that weighed on me night and day or at least day. I have been waking up paniced.
There is a soup bow with dried Tortilla Soup on the range, and the paper plates have dried up what's left of Trader Joe's dog food that I had to feed the cats because they were out of food, and asking. The dining room antique game table is full of piles of bills I hoped to organize but didn't get around to organizing and now they are mixed up, and there are other piles on top of them. I have been trying to get host families for Chinese families to make some money (plus have a good job), and I found one great host - need seven. Made up the flyer today - even gave a few out. I got bawled out over the phone by my supervisor this morning for having to leave a job prematurely months ago...when my kid was sick. So these were several of the things that weighed on me plus a neighbor who is older and handy shaking her head at me when I asked why someone would want to level a refridgerator before putting it in. "Do you even know what a level is?" she asked. (The new but used refridgerator sounds like a dentist drill at an airport when a plane is coming in).
As Dawna Markova describes, I was past the point of growth and in that other place where there's too much stretching. I was in a really scary place where I wanted to get rid of all that horribleness I felt, but it was me, and I didn't want to go off the edge, or did I to get rid of it - but I wanted my burdens to go off the edge only they were attached.
After days of feeling some strength, at least in the mornings, and feeling really good some days, the hugeness of all I need to do with papers, electricity repair people, handymen, bathroom baseboard job, Home Depot supplies, summer camps, jobs, got too much. I turned the porch light on - it blew out as I watched - smack. This is the one the electrician just got working two days ago. I turned the kitchen dimmer light on. That didn't work either. I'd just paid $90 for the electrician two days ago. I was on a slippery slope, and it was all too much.
Then my friend Jalieh called. Her voice was soft. She sounded different. I was embarrassed to be so funky, so triggered, so my brain exhausted. She lives in Atlanta and she told me again about this book she is reading, Slowing Down to the Speed of Life."
Because I have been losing papers right and left I wrote the title on a tile. Yes, on a white tile that was piled over my papers on the dining room table. In blue calligraphy pen. On another tile I wrote the author of this or another book she recommended: something about Anatomy of Peace. The author on my tile is George Pransky, pransky and associates.com (not correct address but close I suppose). These authors seem to have really analyzed what makes me feel my house and certain relatives and etc... suck, and why Jalieh makes me feel calm tonight. It was so awkward with her being so calm, peaceful, and me being like a seething fire in a black barbecue.
But by the end of the call I was Jaliehed, I was peaceful. She said she loves to hear my grounded voice and to say what I wanted from my heart. I'm making up the gist of it - it was even better. I prayed from my heart, (not the way we did it in synagogee, but the Christian way Toni - my Christian neighbor at the Johnson dorm at Columbia showed me to do it: personal from the heart). I also sang in another language while I prayed inside, because that frees up my insides to pray - forget about the words.
What if we did not betray our impulse to be kind, to be in integrity, no matter what anyone thought, without rationalizing and justifying it away? What if we were convinced that certain patterns could fall away, and we spared ourselves the constant debate, the inner fighting, the outer jousting and elbowing?
What if we were in harmony and others just added softness like Jalieh did, and asked us to pray or speak from our hearts, and we did, and one by one we felt loved, content and made those choices to not betray our souls? This is what occurs to me after hearing what she told me about the Slowing Down to the Speed of Life book.
She said something she'd also learned recently, about how to make decisions. She told me you ask a three point question (she added the fouth point): How will this choice affect you in ten seconds, in ten minutes, in ten years, for eternity? I realized it is my daughter that really counts to me for eternity. So what if the house sucks? I can get someone to help me with that. And there's a lot more electricity where that bulb comes from.
Good night. May you get through those times when you are at those crossroads of whether to snatch life - or paranoid ruminating, and make choices you smile about.
How are you today? Be well, well - be, welling, willing, being be
There is a soup bow with dried Tortilla Soup on the range, and the paper plates have dried up what's left of Trader Joe's dog food that I had to feed the cats because they were out of food, and asking. The dining room antique game table is full of piles of bills I hoped to organize but didn't get around to organizing and now they are mixed up, and there are other piles on top of them. I have been trying to get host families for Chinese families to make some money (plus have a good job), and I found one great host - need seven. Made up the flyer today - even gave a few out. I got bawled out over the phone by my supervisor this morning for having to leave a job prematurely months ago...when my kid was sick. So these were several of the things that weighed on me plus a neighbor who is older and handy shaking her head at me when I asked why someone would want to level a refridgerator before putting it in. "Do you even know what a level is?" she asked. (The new but used refridgerator sounds like a dentist drill at an airport when a plane is coming in).
As Dawna Markova describes, I was past the point of growth and in that other place where there's too much stretching. I was in a really scary place where I wanted to get rid of all that horribleness I felt, but it was me, and I didn't want to go off the edge, or did I to get rid of it - but I wanted my burdens to go off the edge only they were attached.
After days of feeling some strength, at least in the mornings, and feeling really good some days, the hugeness of all I need to do with papers, electricity repair people, handymen, bathroom baseboard job, Home Depot supplies, summer camps, jobs, got too much. I turned the porch light on - it blew out as I watched - smack. This is the one the electrician just got working two days ago. I turned the kitchen dimmer light on. That didn't work either. I'd just paid $90 for the electrician two days ago. I was on a slippery slope, and it was all too much.
Then my friend Jalieh called. Her voice was soft. She sounded different. I was embarrassed to be so funky, so triggered, so my brain exhausted. She lives in Atlanta and she told me again about this book she is reading, Slowing Down to the Speed of Life."
Because I have been losing papers right and left I wrote the title on a tile. Yes, on a white tile that was piled over my papers on the dining room table. In blue calligraphy pen. On another tile I wrote the author of this or another book she recommended: something about Anatomy of Peace. The author on my tile is George Pransky, pransky and associates.com (not correct address but close I suppose). These authors seem to have really analyzed what makes me feel my house and certain relatives and etc... suck, and why Jalieh makes me feel calm tonight. It was so awkward with her being so calm, peaceful, and me being like a seething fire in a black barbecue.
But by the end of the call I was Jaliehed, I was peaceful. She said she loves to hear my grounded voice and to say what I wanted from my heart. I'm making up the gist of it - it was even better. I prayed from my heart, (not the way we did it in synagogee, but the Christian way Toni - my Christian neighbor at the Johnson dorm at Columbia showed me to do it: personal from the heart). I also sang in another language while I prayed inside, because that frees up my insides to pray - forget about the words.
What if we did not betray our impulse to be kind, to be in integrity, no matter what anyone thought, without rationalizing and justifying it away? What if we were convinced that certain patterns could fall away, and we spared ourselves the constant debate, the inner fighting, the outer jousting and elbowing?
What if we were in harmony and others just added softness like Jalieh did, and asked us to pray or speak from our hearts, and we did, and one by one we felt loved, content and made those choices to not betray our souls? This is what occurs to me after hearing what she told me about the Slowing Down to the Speed of Life book.
She said something she'd also learned recently, about how to make decisions. She told me you ask a three point question (she added the fouth point): How will this choice affect you in ten seconds, in ten minutes, in ten years, for eternity? I realized it is my daughter that really counts to me for eternity. So what if the house sucks? I can get someone to help me with that. And there's a lot more electricity where that bulb comes from.
Good night. May you get through those times when you are at those crossroads of whether to snatch life - or paranoid ruminating, and make choices you smile about.
How are you today? Be well, well - be, welling, willing, being be
Sunday, June 15, 2008
UncloggingtheEmotionalDrain
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...
Affirmation for today:
I love being a being
Frank Corner: Yesterday I wrote about my morning ritual, which sometimes includes breathing into my heart, to see what remnants of events and interractions linger there. I realized today, as I did this practice, that when breathing into the heart, it is not only letting go, and loving what is there. It is spending a moment there with whatever one finds. (Sort of like going to the bathroom regularly, but for the emotions and soul).
Yesterday I was in excellent form and quite happy, but later in the afternoon I numbed out, went to a thrift store shopping and then was in a bad mood. Today I doodled while reflecting on an awkward moment yesterday with someone, someone I felt criticized by. I think this was what started "bumming me out." As I doodled, even giving it those few doodle seconds, I gained clarity on what was going on, and compassion for the young man, and learning about my part, which included seeing that I could have faced the "criticism" with humility. I also saw I would like to be more assertive in such a situation, and tell the person my perspetive too.
I sometimes think that this learning gets cut short by people being busy, and then they can get clogged up with all this unprocessed angst. I recall once going to Lake Panajatchel in Guatemala after a break-up with my boy-friend in 1978, and looking out at the lake, reflecting on years and years of my life and relationships. I guess we can have (make)vacations at Lake Atitlan (or our favorite lake, at least in our minds) daily where we unwind, learn, and enjoy. It was so green there at Lake Atitlan, and the people wore such fabulous colors!
Have a wonderful day. May your drain be clean with great flow. Claudia
Affirmation for today:
I love being a being
Frank Corner: Yesterday I wrote about my morning ritual, which sometimes includes breathing into my heart, to see what remnants of events and interractions linger there. I realized today, as I did this practice, that when breathing into the heart, it is not only letting go, and loving what is there. It is spending a moment there with whatever one finds. (Sort of like going to the bathroom regularly, but for the emotions and soul).
Yesterday I was in excellent form and quite happy, but later in the afternoon I numbed out, went to a thrift store shopping and then was in a bad mood. Today I doodled while reflecting on an awkward moment yesterday with someone, someone I felt criticized by. I think this was what started "bumming me out." As I doodled, even giving it those few doodle seconds, I gained clarity on what was going on, and compassion for the young man, and learning about my part, which included seeing that I could have faced the "criticism" with humility. I also saw I would like to be more assertive in such a situation, and tell the person my perspetive too.
I sometimes think that this learning gets cut short by people being busy, and then they can get clogged up with all this unprocessed angst. I recall once going to Lake Panajatchel in Guatemala after a break-up with my boy-friend in 1978, and looking out at the lake, reflecting on years and years of my life and relationships. I guess we can have (make)vacations at Lake Atitlan (or our favorite lake, at least in our minds) daily where we unwind, learn, and enjoy. It was so green there at Lake Atitlan, and the people wore such fabulous colors!
Have a wonderful day. May your drain be clean with great flow. Claudia
Friday, June 13, 2008
PowerofPrayerfulness2edited
Welcome. Camber's comments touched and graced me. He took the time to support me, my voice. Thanks Camber (http://thinkfabulous.com). I wondered when a big chunk of my former blog disappeared: Why? Was it maybe because I could be more honest, go more deeply into the experience this next time I re-created it? Did it have too much ego - can an "I" tell of feeling spiritually stopped in its tracks and taken on an inner journey without it sounding like the I did something - without ego in it inadvertently. Or was almost half that blog (sad face) deleted because I just need to remember to save event hough it auto saves?
Honestly, I was reading a book, it happened to be by Baha'u'llah, and I was holding it, and I felt that I was holding love. The author, and the other authors of books (and blogs, etc...) that totally inspire and uplift and give you hope, sacrificed to give this to us, out of love. I realized God/Creator is not historical but present. I thought of people in history who gave their lives for truth. And inside I inched a bit more towards faith. A little more. A little more. It was OK. I didn't collapse or die out of going out of my consciousness comfort zone.
I breathed into my heart, which like the body, has its own stiffness in places from events that haven't been let go of or loved. I breathed into it. A little stiffness is OK. (I learned about breathing into your heart in a workshop called Open Your Heart originated by Robbie Gass back East. It is just breathing deeply imaigning your breath going into your heart. You can feel the holding in the breath, too). And my internal became a place with an understanding all its own. In my previous post that disappeared I said it was a book without words - a mystery.
But my day has been powered by this stoplight of inspiration, from morning getting lost on the 10, meeting cousins from out of town at the Disney Concert Hall (brought back a huge leaf that I'm pressing from the gardens with the purple beaded flowers) to celebrating birthday with Jackie and her husband Tim seeing "Iron Man" to dropping daughter with her friends in Long Beach and picking her up. It is so delightful to be inwardly happy and you smile at people at the Disney Hall and they smile back, and everyone's with you, the parking lot Hispanic woman who has the sweetest smile, the cousins, and I even noticed in walking how my ego wasn't in it - I wasn't trying to overtake my cousins (I didn't realize that previously my walk would reflect my stance in the world)- my ego wasn't trying to prove itself, and it was a joy. And I didn't need to check my e-mail or my boards I write on because of was Creator sufficed. And this was opposite of the day before with me crying and craving being seen and loved, so I really appreciate it via contrast. I had everything inside and more.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Here is a journal question if you want one: What lessons are the people in my life offering me? Are any themes rising and falling? What boundary can I set to learn?
Who have helped open my heart...and my thanks to them.
Immerse yourself in inspiration if you like, you fountains of love, Claudia Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net
Honestly, I was reading a book, it happened to be by Baha'u'llah, and I was holding it, and I felt that I was holding love. The author, and the other authors of books (and blogs, etc...) that totally inspire and uplift and give you hope, sacrificed to give this to us, out of love. I realized God/Creator is not historical but present. I thought of people in history who gave their lives for truth. And inside I inched a bit more towards faith. A little more. A little more. It was OK. I didn't collapse or die out of going out of my consciousness comfort zone.
I breathed into my heart, which like the body, has its own stiffness in places from events that haven't been let go of or loved. I breathed into it. A little stiffness is OK. (I learned about breathing into your heart in a workshop called Open Your Heart originated by Robbie Gass back East. It is just breathing deeply imaigning your breath going into your heart. You can feel the holding in the breath, too). And my internal became a place with an understanding all its own. In my previous post that disappeared I said it was a book without words - a mystery.
But my day has been powered by this stoplight of inspiration, from morning getting lost on the 10, meeting cousins from out of town at the Disney Concert Hall (brought back a huge leaf that I'm pressing from the gardens with the purple beaded flowers) to celebrating birthday with Jackie and her husband Tim seeing "Iron Man" to dropping daughter with her friends in Long Beach and picking her up. It is so delightful to be inwardly happy and you smile at people at the Disney Hall and they smile back, and everyone's with you, the parking lot Hispanic woman who has the sweetest smile, the cousins, and I even noticed in walking how my ego wasn't in it - I wasn't trying to overtake my cousins (I didn't realize that previously my walk would reflect my stance in the world)- my ego wasn't trying to prove itself, and it was a joy. And I didn't need to check my e-mail or my boards I write on because of was Creator sufficed. And this was opposite of the day before with me crying and craving being seen and loved, so I really appreciate it via contrast. I had everything inside and more.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Here is a journal question if you want one: What lessons are the people in my life offering me? Are any themes rising and falling? What boundary can I set to learn?
Who have helped open my heart...and my thanks to them.
Immerse yourself in inspiration if you like, you fountains of love, Claudia Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net
ThePOWERofPRAYERFULNESS
Hi. I am psychic... I bet your name starts with.....a consonant...or a vowel...and you came here to read something uplifting. Thank you for coming. Oh, I see you are a person with beauty and aspiration towards your highest good and the good of others. Am I correct? That will be $100. Just kidding. Welcome. It is a good day.
It is Jackie's birthday and she is a very good person. She is the type of person who listens to the radio and is feeling so bad for the people in the stories that she thinks about what she could do for those people. Is she like you in that way? Happy birthday Jackie!
I am psychic. I can read myself. Yesterday my book was empty and I was desperate for someone to see me or hear me or love me or hug me or get me, or say my name lovingly. I cried, I wrote on a board for widows asking for hi's and hugs. Frankly, and I'll only tell you this, I hadn't done my making love with the higher Forces - I hadn't done my journaling to get everything out, all the frayed edges and the rotting and mouldering thoughts. All the yearnings and the smiles when I'd seen what I had achieved lately, and discerned where I was going. I was in the hole. I was a bagel without a center, like unto many bagels.
I hadn't read spiritual writings or imbibed their fresh bread smells. I hadn't reflected on them and I hadn't been transmuted by them. And I hadn't meditated and had that bonding, that bonding with "my" Spirit.
Today, God bless me, and you, and the other guy and gal, I did journal. I asked myself: What are your needs and how can you fill them with ease and trust? What is in your heart? What else do you want to say?
{The rest of this post somehow got deleted - will complete it later, including my thanks to Camber Hill for encouragement to be my unique self) Have a delight-ing day, Claudia
It is Jackie's birthday and she is a very good person. She is the type of person who listens to the radio and is feeling so bad for the people in the stories that she thinks about what she could do for those people. Is she like you in that way? Happy birthday Jackie!
I am psychic. I can read myself. Yesterday my book was empty and I was desperate for someone to see me or hear me or love me or hug me or get me, or say my name lovingly. I cried, I wrote on a board for widows asking for hi's and hugs. Frankly, and I'll only tell you this, I hadn't done my making love with the higher Forces - I hadn't done my journaling to get everything out, all the frayed edges and the rotting and mouldering thoughts. All the yearnings and the smiles when I'd seen what I had achieved lately, and discerned where I was going. I was in the hole. I was a bagel without a center, like unto many bagels.
I hadn't read spiritual writings or imbibed their fresh bread smells. I hadn't reflected on them and I hadn't been transmuted by them. And I hadn't meditated and had that bonding, that bonding with "my" Spirit.
Today, God bless me, and you, and the other guy and gal, I did journal. I asked myself: What are your needs and how can you fill them with ease and trust? What is in your heart? What else do you want to say?
{The rest of this post somehow got deleted - will complete it later, including my thanks to Camber Hill for encouragement to be my unique self) Have a delight-ing day, Claudia
Monday, June 9, 2008
FaultsOrWounds
I think that prayer and meditation is something like making love. First the foundation is the relationship with the good communication. For me this comes from the openness of journaling, where my feelings crawl out from denial, hiding, or half-hiding, and reveal themselves. I use journal pages I've calligraphed, and made into journals, and they remind me of what is calling for attention from my body, mind, emotions and Spirit (and anywhere else - image is jelly fish oozling through a tank in an aquarium). [For info on buying journals contact me at Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net, put Journal in subject line]. Here I also get in touch with gratitude, and honoring myself for the efforts I've been making. (This has been paying off - last night in my dreams again I heard a message that was positive that I imagine was from me to me, or from someone to me - I'll take it).
Then, on a good day when I don't turn on the Internet immediately, I read. I believe we are part of a Universal Mind, and others have traveled some interesting, inspiring places in it. I sign up for a cruise: today I went on the ship Sacred Moments. There, on the calendar page for June 9 I came across a quote I was wanting to find as recently as yesterday. It is from Sophy Burnham (http://www.sophyburnham.com/):
I have learned in recent years that my faults, the defects that keep me from creating the work I want to do, are not flaws or failures. They are wounds. The merest shift in the word shifts attitude. As failure, flaws, defects, I want to crush them underfood, smash their noses in, impale their heads upon a pike and mount it on the tower wall. But this is my very soul I am impaling there, the essence of my heart. Block, the inability to proceed, signals not a defect but a wound exposed; and curiously in our wounds lie our divinity...healing comes from tenderness. Embrace the wounds, wash them, bandage them with loving care...
That was an h'ors d'oevre. I was touched by the synchronicity of life bringing me a quote I'd been wanting to find. Next I read today from Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah. Baha'ullah was a mystic who was imprisoned and exiled for 40 years for his teaching about the oneness of humankind and eliminating all prejudices. But his writings are full of Spirit, they are like energy efficient 15 billion watt bulbs. I didn't even know from Spirit until I read Baha'ullah. (Here is recent NPR story on national elections of Baha'i Faith inspired by Baha'u'llah: http://chicagopublicradio.org/Content.aspx?audioID=24887
If you follow a spiritual path, whether Buddhism or Judaism or Christianity or Hinduism or Islam or another faith or follow a teacher or guru or believe in the Higher Self or Yourself, you know what it is to be mystically inspired, and you have books that inspire you in this way. The analogy here is to slow touch, where you are able to savor the moments, in this case, what you are reading. You are as receptive as you can be at that moment, opening up your view of the world to another's as much as you can manage at that moment.
Frankly, at some point, I often find myself saying inside something like Amen, but in me it comes out: Holy Shit! It is as if I get something that I didn't quite understand before, and I have to let go of some previous view of myself and the world to embrace it. It is like the imact - meteor hits earth. What I read this morning that impacted me had to do with that our connection with the Creator, the favor we receive in communing, has nothing to do with our own merit. I started to feel like everything I had and was was from the Creator.
After that reflection I wrote:
O Grace, thank you
O Benediction, thank you
O Guidance, Light,
Help, thank you
Everything
I owe to you,
Even my
ego
which
surrenders
before
its
Source
Maybe the Holy Shit is the orgasm.
Or maybe the orgasm lasts all day or as long as you hope it can because you are making love with life and the people you see in your day from a new vantage point.
And then there is being quiet and letting in understandings, or praying for direction for the day and listening, and, on a good day remembering to listen on how to be of service. I think going to clean my house is my next item on being of service today. I suppose quiet time could be compared to the bond with a partner (or oneself) after making love. As one woman I know referred to making love with her husband, it helps us "be in the same camp."
Have a wonderful day. Please comment because I want to see if putting myself out on a limb is reaching anyone putting themselves out on their limbs, too. Or if it helps motivate you to reach out from your favorite limb. Thanks. Camber from Think Fabulous (www.thinkfabulous.com) and I talked yesterday about saying what is really authentic and how that is so much more connecting with people. So this is my experiment.
Have a wonderful day of embracing those wounds when one rears its head. It is fabulous to have an embracing relationship within oneself. And to make love with the Creator through reading, prayer and reflection.
Claudia
Then, on a good day when I don't turn on the Internet immediately, I read. I believe we are part of a Universal Mind, and others have traveled some interesting, inspiring places in it. I sign up for a cruise: today I went on the ship Sacred Moments. There, on the calendar page for June 9 I came across a quote I was wanting to find as recently as yesterday. It is from Sophy Burnham (http://www.sophyburnham.com/):
I have learned in recent years that my faults, the defects that keep me from creating the work I want to do, are not flaws or failures. They are wounds. The merest shift in the word shifts attitude. As failure, flaws, defects, I want to crush them underfood, smash their noses in, impale their heads upon a pike and mount it on the tower wall. But this is my very soul I am impaling there, the essence of my heart. Block, the inability to proceed, signals not a defect but a wound exposed; and curiously in our wounds lie our divinity...healing comes from tenderness. Embrace the wounds, wash them, bandage them with loving care...
That was an h'ors d'oevre. I was touched by the synchronicity of life bringing me a quote I'd been wanting to find. Next I read today from Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah. Baha'ullah was a mystic who was imprisoned and exiled for 40 years for his teaching about the oneness of humankind and eliminating all prejudices. But his writings are full of Spirit, they are like energy efficient 15 billion watt bulbs. I didn't even know from Spirit until I read Baha'ullah. (Here is recent NPR story on national elections of Baha'i Faith inspired by Baha'u'llah: http://chicagopublicradio.org/Content.aspx?audioID=24887
If you follow a spiritual path, whether Buddhism or Judaism or Christianity or Hinduism or Islam or another faith or follow a teacher or guru or believe in the Higher Self or Yourself, you know what it is to be mystically inspired, and you have books that inspire you in this way. The analogy here is to slow touch, where you are able to savor the moments, in this case, what you are reading. You are as receptive as you can be at that moment, opening up your view of the world to another's as much as you can manage at that moment.
Frankly, at some point, I often find myself saying inside something like Amen, but in me it comes out: Holy Shit! It is as if I get something that I didn't quite understand before, and I have to let go of some previous view of myself and the world to embrace it. It is like the imact - meteor hits earth. What I read this morning that impacted me had to do with that our connection with the Creator, the favor we receive in communing, has nothing to do with our own merit. I started to feel like everything I had and was was from the Creator.
After that reflection I wrote:
O Grace, thank you
O Benediction, thank you
O Guidance, Light,
Help, thank you
Everything
I owe to you,
Even my
ego
which
surrenders
before
its
Source
Maybe the Holy Shit is the orgasm.
Or maybe the orgasm lasts all day or as long as you hope it can because you are making love with life and the people you see in your day from a new vantage point.
And then there is being quiet and letting in understandings, or praying for direction for the day and listening, and, on a good day remembering to listen on how to be of service. I think going to clean my house is my next item on being of service today. I suppose quiet time could be compared to the bond with a partner (or oneself) after making love. As one woman I know referred to making love with her husband, it helps us "be in the same camp."
Have a wonderful day. Please comment because I want to see if putting myself out on a limb is reaching anyone putting themselves out on their limbs, too. Or if it helps motivate you to reach out from your favorite limb. Thanks. Camber from Think Fabulous (www.thinkfabulous.com) and I talked yesterday about saying what is really authentic and how that is so much more connecting with people. So this is my experiment.
Have a wonderful day of embracing those wounds when one rears its head. It is fabulous to have an embracing relationship within oneself. And to make love with the Creator through reading, prayer and reflection.
Claudia
Sunday, June 8, 2008
WhatTheCreatorBrought
me...
a refridgerator from a woman who was big and generous; it was $100 and will be delivered, and her husband whose name is the same name as my husband's (John, which is always sensitive to hear. John died two years ago). John will take away the old one, and...the woman Michelle received bags of clothes I'd been meaning to take to Good Will. It was a kind of confirmation because I'm trying to pull things together on the practical plane because I'm at a crossroads - could move to N. California or ?? visit China?? go somewhere a job is offered where there is a good school for daughter, and I'm readying my life pile by pile (and there are many...oh so many), and garbage can of grasses and branches by garbage can of grasses and branches (hired someone to help clean yards yesterday). How can I say that just looking at Michelle and us catching eyes was like a heart to heart match, like playing jacks when you catch the ball and pick up the right number of jacks but with another person.
a good conversation on the phone with a relative who I got serious about forgiving while I was praying this morning. I mean I'd thought we might never bridge the distance - that she had done the unforgiveable. I saw, a bit grudgingly, that we both have different needs. This happened after I opened a book to a section about forgiveness (Sacred Moments http://www.virtuesproject.com/index.php and it asked something like: What do you need to let go to forgive? My answer was: Let go of being right.
a fabulous conversation at Trader Joes http://www.traderjoes.com/with Camber of Think Fabulous (www.thinkfabulous.com). In our conversation I was reminded that putting the honest feelings in my blog or any writing makes it way more interesting. I've held back some on this blog (http://AffirmationBank.blogspot.com)
groceries - including frozen berries and mango pieces I drink in smoothies, and tahini spread, and organic oranges.
a note from someone I met on OK cupid - someone who lives a few states over but still wants to chat as friends!
the writing of some new affirmations:
I am open to the best direction for my family - one fulfilling, satisfying, helping our growth on all levels and allowing maximum service for what we can offer in our lfe mandala now. This or something more inspired.
I take time to tend the plants of my deepest dreams.
I can, w/effort, follow a wonderful path and schedule times and enjoy making plans for creative dreams to manifest of writing, theater, teaching, etc...
I am refining my focus so my energy can manifest.
My eyes are open and hands ready to do what needs to be done to open doors for financial stabiity and prosperity in our lives.
* * *
and...especially the Creator, also known as IS (Incomparable Sweetness), The Great Spirit, "the unknowable essence", "the central orb of the universe" brought me some reading and prayer this morning. It took me inside to that place where I would like to figure out God, and that frustration of not being able to, and then some extending of of surrender to the God that infuses creativity and arts into our lifestream. The light having thus been turned on inside for my day, I felt I was giving out beaming vibes and people responded well to me. I even ran and danced in Trader Joes when I felt to (got warmed up at my 5 Rhythms class yesterday (SpiritWeaves.com http://www.spiritweaves.com/).
Now need to clean my house and fridge in preparation for the new working fridge coming tonight with my hands that I said were ready to put in the effort! I think I'm learning something in my older age - something about the gift of taking things a bit more slowly and looking at them up close.
I am open to a fabulous date, or even some going out with a friend. It's about time. May we be purple and green and loved and happy and thankful.">
a refridgerator from a woman who was big and generous; it was $100 and will be delivered, and her husband whose name is the same name as my husband's (John, which is always sensitive to hear. John died two years ago). John will take away the old one, and...the woman Michelle received bags of clothes I'd been meaning to take to Good Will. It was a kind of confirmation because I'm trying to pull things together on the practical plane because I'm at a crossroads - could move to N. California or ?? visit China?? go somewhere a job is offered where there is a good school for daughter, and I'm readying my life pile by pile (and there are many...oh so many), and garbage can of grasses and branches by garbage can of grasses and branches (hired someone to help clean yards yesterday). How can I say that just looking at Michelle and us catching eyes was like a heart to heart match, like playing jacks when you catch the ball and pick up the right number of jacks but with another person.
a good conversation on the phone with a relative who I got serious about forgiving while I was praying this morning. I mean I'd thought we might never bridge the distance - that she had done the unforgiveable. I saw, a bit grudgingly, that we both have different needs. This happened after I opened a book to a section about forgiveness (Sacred Moments http://www.virtuesproject.com/index.php and it asked something like: What do you need to let go to forgive? My answer was: Let go of being right.
a fabulous conversation at Trader Joes http://www.traderjoes.com/with Camber of Think Fabulous (www.thinkfabulous.com). In our conversation I was reminded that putting the honest feelings in my blog or any writing makes it way more interesting. I've held back some on this blog (http://AffirmationBank.blogspot.com)
groceries - including frozen berries and mango pieces I drink in smoothies, and tahini spread, and organic oranges.
a note from someone I met on OK cupid - someone who lives a few states over but still wants to chat as friends!
the writing of some new affirmations:
I am open to the best direction for my family - one fulfilling, satisfying, helping our growth on all levels and allowing maximum service for what we can offer in our lfe mandala now. This or something more inspired.
I take time to tend the plants of my deepest dreams.
I can, w/effort, follow a wonderful path and schedule times and enjoy making plans for creative dreams to manifest of writing, theater, teaching, etc...
I am refining my focus so my energy can manifest.
My eyes are open and hands ready to do what needs to be done to open doors for financial stabiity and prosperity in our lives.
* * *
and...especially the Creator, also known as IS (Incomparable Sweetness), The Great Spirit, "the unknowable essence", "the central orb of the universe" brought me some reading and prayer this morning. It took me inside to that place where I would like to figure out God, and that frustration of not being able to, and then some extending of of surrender to the God that infuses creativity and arts into our lifestream. The light having thus been turned on inside for my day, I felt I was giving out beaming vibes and people responded well to me. I even ran and danced in Trader Joes when I felt to (got warmed up at my 5 Rhythms class yesterday (SpiritWeaves.com http://www.spiritweaves.com/).
Now need to clean my house and fridge in preparation for the new working fridge coming tonight with my hands that I said were ready to put in the effort! I think I'm learning something in my older age - something about the gift of taking things a bit more slowly and looking at them up close.
I am open to a fabulous date, or even some going out with a friend. It's about time. May we be purple and green and loved and happy and thankful.">
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Santa Cruz
The affirmations that took place in my life recently:
Saw my cousins Sunday. Karen- who has this heart - how to describe it. It is like being at the Western Wall covered in a tallit, and the next second hearing her say she is intimidated opening the box of a massager you put over a chair, that she's technologically challenged. At the Passover Seder in April I heard her tell a woman about how long it took her to get dressed for the Seder, trying this outfit on and another, and the room she'd just spent a lot of time cleaning, now messed up with clothes. The woman smiled in relief: that was exactly what had happened to her that night she told me after Karen left, and she'd been very late to the Seder. And Karen is so aware of her boundaries and keeps voicing them with that voice that is like Vicks Vapor RubTM for the soul. She shows up all kinds of places through the phone or in person when people are in crisis.
Then my cousin Rachel. We went on a Bay cruise, the three of us. I hadn't seen Rachel since we were children. We went to the front of the boat to see the Golden Gate Bridge, accompanied by a bunch of macho guys, and we faced that wind, and braced against the boat, to see up close the bridge and the sky and the clouds, and the criss crosses of steel that made up that bridge as we passed underneath it. And this facing of life while she is overcoming a health crisis - this standing up to life and wind and man made and natural beauty.
Coming to Santa Cruz and being welcomed by old friends Jeff and Janey. Talking, telling about the crevices of life that I skip over with many people.
* + + * + + *
My dreams include to be a harmonious, wise parent, to tell some people about a secret treasure trove I discovered of sustaining beauty, to write books and journal pages in color, and to facilitate Body Blessing/Soul Blessing/Life Bolstering movement experiences. From my husband's death, though it seems trite or unspeakable to say, I see that I have breath now, I have memory now, I have capacity now, and we will not be living on this earth plane forever. One day each of us goes on. I remember a friend Jan I didn't know well. After her death, we had a reception at her home and there was in her bathroom a basket with barrettes of various kinds. And the image stuck with me. I was stuck with barrettes I have been seeking all my life to make myself look more pretty or refined or tame me. I have been searching for how to express my voice. I have been searching for how to keep pulling myself up this mountain we call life, how to elevate myself, and comfort myself when I fall down, how to make it through the moments of fear and insecurity while climbing, and how to help others while I myself am still clawing at my fingertips on footholds at times, but remember worse times! And what in this limited time of life that we have, what will I create and do? What a big responsibility. I am responsible for how I use this little actor time I have. I am responsible for how much I devote to parenting, to writing, for how I treat every being I see? I have the freedom to choose what perspective I will have, and I can't spend my whole life coming up with the mission statement - it begins now and now and now.
He died and I will die. What do I want to leave on this earth, or in the hearts of those I know or meet? How shy and conforming to what is expected do I want to be or how outrageous do I need to be?
I need I need I n e e d I need to keep following the hints around me and within me, those subtle hints the color of dawn and have the courage to be new versions of what I thought of as myself as I keep climbing. Aren't we all less who we thought we are and who others thought we were than who we are?
Saw my cousins Sunday. Karen- who has this heart - how to describe it. It is like being at the Western Wall covered in a tallit, and the next second hearing her say she is intimidated opening the box of a massager you put over a chair, that she's technologically challenged. At the Passover Seder in April I heard her tell a woman about how long it took her to get dressed for the Seder, trying this outfit on and another, and the room she'd just spent a lot of time cleaning, now messed up with clothes. The woman smiled in relief: that was exactly what had happened to her that night she told me after Karen left, and she'd been very late to the Seder. And Karen is so aware of her boundaries and keeps voicing them with that voice that is like Vicks Vapor RubTM for the soul. She shows up all kinds of places through the phone or in person when people are in crisis.
Then my cousin Rachel. We went on a Bay cruise, the three of us. I hadn't seen Rachel since we were children. We went to the front of the boat to see the Golden Gate Bridge, accompanied by a bunch of macho guys, and we faced that wind, and braced against the boat, to see up close the bridge and the sky and the clouds, and the criss crosses of steel that made up that bridge as we passed underneath it. And this facing of life while she is overcoming a health crisis - this standing up to life and wind and man made and natural beauty.
Coming to Santa Cruz and being welcomed by old friends Jeff and Janey. Talking, telling about the crevices of life that I skip over with many people.
* + + * + + *
My dreams include to be a harmonious, wise parent, to tell some people about a secret treasure trove I discovered of sustaining beauty, to write books and journal pages in color, and to facilitate Body Blessing/Soul Blessing/Life Bolstering movement experiences. From my husband's death, though it seems trite or unspeakable to say, I see that I have breath now, I have memory now, I have capacity now, and we will not be living on this earth plane forever. One day each of us goes on. I remember a friend Jan I didn't know well. After her death, we had a reception at her home and there was in her bathroom a basket with barrettes of various kinds. And the image stuck with me. I was stuck with barrettes I have been seeking all my life to make myself look more pretty or refined or tame me. I have been searching for how to express my voice. I have been searching for how to keep pulling myself up this mountain we call life, how to elevate myself, and comfort myself when I fall down, how to make it through the moments of fear and insecurity while climbing, and how to help others while I myself am still clawing at my fingertips on footholds at times, but remember worse times! And what in this limited time of life that we have, what will I create and do? What a big responsibility. I am responsible for how I use this little actor time I have. I am responsible for how much I devote to parenting, to writing, for how I treat every being I see? I have the freedom to choose what perspective I will have, and I can't spend my whole life coming up with the mission statement - it begins now and now and now.
He died and I will die. What do I want to leave on this earth, or in the hearts of those I know or meet? How shy and conforming to what is expected do I want to be or how outrageous do I need to be?
I need I need I n e e d I need to keep following the hints around me and within me, those subtle hints the color of dawn and have the courage to be new versions of what I thought of as myself as I keep climbing. Aren't we all less who we thought we are and who others thought we were than who we are?
Saturday, May 24, 2008
GRIEVING
I have been reading Make Your Creative Dreams Real by SARK (http://www.planetsark.com) over fast food Indian Chicken Masala, and now I'm back at a computer at the Marriott Hotel in San Jose, while my daughter attends a Fanime convention (fans of anime). In one of the chapters about creative dreams SARK suggests: "Take your main fear about living more of your creative dreams and describe it in detail." In the next chapter she has people identify reasons you "can and will live your creative dreams." Thank you SARK!
One of my dreams is helping people through sharing my experience. One of my fears is that it won't be well received, and that the writing will be too heavy (too honest) or too light (not honest and deep enough). Reasons I can and will live this dream is because I value how honest I can be, and I actually recorded in the midst of experiences with my hubby in the hospital to remember things that would be helpful, and this note to my friend C. is pretty fresh - surprised that grieving is certainly not over by year two. Grief support leader said people get back to themselves at year three!
Though I'm super tired, thought I'd share with you a note about what I learned about grieving (from going through the first two years of it after husband died), that I wrote to a friend who just lost her husband. This is copyrighted Claudia Gold 2008, because I intend to put it into a publishable written form.
Dear C,
What I learned about grieving and etc...:
That it felt good to express what I was feeling. I used tomzuba.com and Young Widows Bulletin Board http://www.ywbb.com, and a support group. At the beginning (first weeks, maybe month or three?) support groups are a bit much.
That I did not feel like reaching out at all, but that people who are grieving do better when they ask for what they need from friends and family and get much more help and support. Later you will still be grieving but people won't realize it and it seems to me hardest to explain later that you are still grieving.
That it's good to plan times to be at the beach or look at his pictures and things, (not that you have much choice) cause then it won't bite you in the butt as much (including while driving). At some point you might want to take an hour a day to allot to it - not that it will always fit into that. That tears are the key out of the prison of grief and to let yourself... If you find yourself suddenly crying you can go into a rest room and let yourself wail. I found a point where I was crying and laughing intermittently - kind of an unusual experience. There is primal stuff we didn't know we would experience - it's rather shocking.
That you may feel crazy at times (but you may be used to that). This is all from my own experience and what I learned - you may experience something different of course. Pacing is normal.
Guilt and regret can come up. It usually is not that fruitful. I'd recommend that if you get into this to really make some plans for making changes in your life and write them down - otherwise it seems kindof worthless over the long haul, doesn't go anywhere. Tom Zuba has some good perspectives on taking the pieces of the heart that one wants to keep and sorting out what one doesn't want to keep about one's life. It can be really a meaty time for transformation over time.
That one's filters are gone - and you didn't have many to start with. I had no sense of diplomacy when I wanted to work something out with someone - some school official or whatever, and made things worse by my bluntness and anger. I would bring someone to any negotiation or tender matter to keep yourself in check. People do not respond well to someone who is forthright in criticism or anger, and it is not worth it ultimately.
That the Jews were right when they said there is a wrip in the fabric when someone dies. We got so accustomed to them being part of the fabric of our lives - good, bad, indifferent or whatever they were.
To be careful when driving!
That there are disappointments because no one seems to get what we feel or need, and the need, vacuum is so huge - it's like nothing can fill it. People in the same family sometimes grieve different ways at different times and often aren't there for support. Other grievers get it more.
This is my little input this morning. Oh, also I think it is an excellent time, at least eventually, for sincere prayer and therapy if one needs it or believes in it. One's filters are gone so the defenses are so less. Bye-bye defenses.
I did not feel like cooking for...well, a long time, even maybe now I feel like doing it a little.
That sometimes people reached out to me but I didn't catch it (I felt awkward at being in such an unusual state)- and I wished I'd caught it and returned their call, or took them up on an offer to say sit with me and help pay bills.
To make a list of people who are loving and good and their phone numbers and call one a day if it would help.
Claudia To See my new blog - Http://WidowinDatingland.blogspot.com
* [Prison image and some other suggestions were given in groups led by Marilyn Kaplan, LCSW http://www.hoaghospital.org/services/PastoralCare.aspx].
** Hope this letter is of help to someone reading this blog
One of my dreams is helping people through sharing my experience. One of my fears is that it won't be well received, and that the writing will be too heavy (too honest) or too light (not honest and deep enough). Reasons I can and will live this dream is because I value how honest I can be, and I actually recorded in the midst of experiences with my hubby in the hospital to remember things that would be helpful, and this note to my friend C. is pretty fresh - surprised that grieving is certainly not over by year two. Grief support leader said people get back to themselves at year three!
Though I'm super tired, thought I'd share with you a note about what I learned about grieving (from going through the first two years of it after husband died), that I wrote to a friend who just lost her husband. This is copyrighted Claudia Gold 2008, because I intend to put it into a publishable written form.
Dear C,
What I learned about grieving and etc...:
That it felt good to express what I was feeling. I used tomzuba.com and Young Widows Bulletin Board http://www.ywbb.com, and a support group. At the beginning (first weeks, maybe month or three?) support groups are a bit much.
That I did not feel like reaching out at all, but that people who are grieving do better when they ask for what they need from friends and family and get much more help and support. Later you will still be grieving but people won't realize it and it seems to me hardest to explain later that you are still grieving.
That it's good to plan times to be at the beach or look at his pictures and things, (not that you have much choice) cause then it won't bite you in the butt as much (including while driving). At some point you might want to take an hour a day to allot to it - not that it will always fit into that. That tears are the key out of the prison of grief and to let yourself... If you find yourself suddenly crying you can go into a rest room and let yourself wail. I found a point where I was crying and laughing intermittently - kind of an unusual experience. There is primal stuff we didn't know we would experience - it's rather shocking.
That you may feel crazy at times (but you may be used to that). This is all from my own experience and what I learned - you may experience something different of course. Pacing is normal.
Guilt and regret can come up. It usually is not that fruitful. I'd recommend that if you get into this to really make some plans for making changes in your life and write them down - otherwise it seems kindof worthless over the long haul, doesn't go anywhere. Tom Zuba has some good perspectives on taking the pieces of the heart that one wants to keep and sorting out what one doesn't want to keep about one's life. It can be really a meaty time for transformation over time.
That one's filters are gone - and you didn't have many to start with. I had no sense of diplomacy when I wanted to work something out with someone - some school official or whatever, and made things worse by my bluntness and anger. I would bring someone to any negotiation or tender matter to keep yourself in check. People do not respond well to someone who is forthright in criticism or anger, and it is not worth it ultimately.
That the Jews were right when they said there is a wrip in the fabric when someone dies. We got so accustomed to them being part of the fabric of our lives - good, bad, indifferent or whatever they were.
To be careful when driving!
That there are disappointments because no one seems to get what we feel or need, and the need, vacuum is so huge - it's like nothing can fill it. People in the same family sometimes grieve different ways at different times and often aren't there for support. Other grievers get it more.
This is my little input this morning. Oh, also I think it is an excellent time, at least eventually, for sincere prayer and therapy if one needs it or believes in it. One's filters are gone so the defenses are so less. Bye-bye defenses.
I did not feel like cooking for...well, a long time, even maybe now I feel like doing it a little.
That sometimes people reached out to me but I didn't catch it (I felt awkward at being in such an unusual state)- and I wished I'd caught it and returned their call, or took them up on an offer to say sit with me and help pay bills.
To make a list of people who are loving and good and their phone numbers and call one a day if it would help.
Claudia To See my new blog - Http://WidowinDatingland.blogspot.com
* [Prison image and some other suggestions were given in groups led by Marilyn Kaplan, LCSW http://www.hoaghospital.org/services/PastoralCare.aspx].
** Hope this letter is of help to someone reading this blog
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
SelfTalk
This quote, which touched me, was posted in the Santa Rosa Memorial Hospital elevator today:
“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin quotes (American Writer and psychiatrist)
To phrase this as an affirmation, it could read, "Little by little, day by day, and moment by moment as I remember, I am loving the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”
I will be trying to turn the comment option back on. If any one reads this blog and has a comment, including wanting to share an affirmation, please e-mail me at Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net.
Thanks. Looking forward to hearing from you, Claudia
“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin quotes (American Writer and psychiatrist)
To phrase this as an affirmation, it could read, "Little by little, day by day, and moment by moment as I remember, I am loving the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”
I will be trying to turn the comment option back on. If any one reads this blog and has a comment, including wanting to share an affirmation, please e-mail me at Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net.
Thanks. Looking forward to hearing from you, Claudia
Monday, May 19, 2008
Seeds
One morning a week or so ago as I was waking from a dream I heard someone in the dream talking to me in this heartful nurturing way, as if I was most enjoyed. As I awoke, it occurred to me that this was me talking to myself, and all these affirmations are nurturing a kinder relationship between, well, me and me.
On this site I affirmed for a charming place to live in a place of beauty. I affirmed that I trust. We were driving back to lL.A. for the Mother's Day week-end, and I pretty much had let go of where we'd live for the next few weeks while I'd be finishing up my work in Santa Rosa. We had moved out of the apple orchard in Sebastopol, sad to leave great people and beautiful trees, with all our belongings loaded in the car. I thought we might be in The Flamingo Hotel motel when we got back. While driving I got a call from a couple from Bloomfield, offering us a place in their cute apartment upstairs from where they live. Half a block away lives a friend of my daughter's.
We are in a small farm community which, if it does have a sign with its name, has not yet been discovered by me. Here I saw an owl (looked like a big cat - on a telephone wire - it sat with me in silence), many hummingbirds - with green and red, birds with yellow on them, lots of those. I look out from above on some hummingbird feeders a couple feet from my eyes - and a number of them come feed sometimes. There are many feeders in the garden where we live and the birds love them. I did visit an apple tree in Sebastopol, because I sure missed seeing the apple's cycle of growing. It is quite pastoral here. Oh, daughter did get lightly electrified by a fence while petting a dog here, but it was a light zap. She also got chased by a skunk, and a kind neighbor shined the light on it, so they'd see what the heck it was. Yesterday went to Dillon Beach and saw lots of lambs, and huge rocks on the side of the road.
I enjoy the confidence of following my heart.
I enjoy the gift of the Creator's confidence in me, flowing through my words and acctions.
I enthusiastically welcome your affirmations in the comments section.
Please let me know if you are reading this blog! I've gotten some e-mails, and would appreciate comments in the little comment section after the text. Thanks!
Claudia
On this site I affirmed for a charming place to live in a place of beauty. I affirmed that I trust. We were driving back to lL.A. for the Mother's Day week-end, and I pretty much had let go of where we'd live for the next few weeks while I'd be finishing up my work in Santa Rosa. We had moved out of the apple orchard in Sebastopol, sad to leave great people and beautiful trees, with all our belongings loaded in the car. I thought we might be in The Flamingo Hotel motel when we got back. While driving I got a call from a couple from Bloomfield, offering us a place in their cute apartment upstairs from where they live. Half a block away lives a friend of my daughter's.
We are in a small farm community which, if it does have a sign with its name, has not yet been discovered by me. Here I saw an owl (looked like a big cat - on a telephone wire - it sat with me in silence), many hummingbirds - with green and red, birds with yellow on them, lots of those. I look out from above on some hummingbird feeders a couple feet from my eyes - and a number of them come feed sometimes. There are many feeders in the garden where we live and the birds love them. I did visit an apple tree in Sebastopol, because I sure missed seeing the apple's cycle of growing. It is quite pastoral here. Oh, daughter did get lightly electrified by a fence while petting a dog here, but it was a light zap. She also got chased by a skunk, and a kind neighbor shined the light on it, so they'd see what the heck it was. Yesterday went to Dillon Beach and saw lots of lambs, and huge rocks on the side of the road.
I enjoy the confidence of following my heart.
I enjoy the gift of the Creator's confidence in me, flowing through my words and acctions.
I enthusiastically welcome your affirmations in the comments section.
Please let me know if you are reading this blog! I've gotten some e-mails, and would appreciate comments in the little comment section after the text. Thanks!
Claudia
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Parenting
Please share any affirmations you would like to about parenting!
Here are two for today:
I totally accept and love myself as an imperfect but loving and making efforts parent.
I forgive myself for mistakes I have made in parenting.
Here are two for today:
I totally accept and love myself as an imperfect but loving and making efforts parent.
I forgive myself for mistakes I have made in parenting.
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