HappyBirthdayJohn

and Michael. Today is the birthday of my husband who died two years and three months ago. It is also the birthday of his twin Michael and of my uncle Rabbi Joseph Renov.


Happy Birthday!!

I am in Seattle at a Quality Inn, sitting outside the breakfast area smelling waffles, and mulling a strange set of events. I came to Seattle rather spontaneously to see my daughter off to a camp she just decided she wanted to go to. I was waiting in this hotel lobby where I'd stayed the night before to hear from a friend who'd said I could stay with her, and who I'd left a few messages for but couldn't reach. I was watching news about the rescued dog and the murdered wife that repeated every five minutes, on the TV. Finally, after waiting a while the friend called and said the logistics weren't right for me to stay there. I didn't tell her how vulnerable and homeless I felt, sitting there in the lobby as it rained outside. I also hadn't heard from another old friend in Seattle.

I haggled and got a good rate and then went into the one bed room, looking for a vase for the dahliahs I'd bought at the Seattle market for my friend who I was not staying with anymore $78 later. I put a plastic cup into the plastic rectangular ice container and set the yellow-orange, purple and white dahliahs there. I ordered Pad Thai and curry for dinner, and afterwards spoke on the phone to a friend who I value so much for her mind, her heart, her laugh, her spirituality, her creativity. In the course of the conversation she invited my daughter and I to live with her and her daughter for a year, in Atlanta! I can barely, oh yes, I will, take this in, that though I felt so lonely, here a person who I value so much wants to be with me and her daughter wants to be with my daughter. Through all the lonely, disconnected moments of the weeks, years of not having John, here this star shines through. So I have some big decisions ahead.

The decision to come to Seattle to bring my daughter to camp was made by following the light I could see in the camp - what it would do for her, this arts camp that focused on virtues. I felt John wanted her to go, and that was a bit odd, and as I reflected about it in the front garden near my house in San Pedro, a hummingbird flew up. It seemed like a possible confirmation. Then she came home Monday and said she wanted to go to the camp, after not wanting to for a week. I had to move a little bit of heaven and earth to get her to it - to get us to the plane in an hour and a half. I was so stressed that I was sobbing silently as I was making the reservations (can't really do that out loud to a reservastion agent, can you?). I have had CHALLENGES with decision making, with confidence, and I'm grabbing at that light, following that thread of light to make decisions for my life, no matter what it takes.

John's birthday. I will pray for him after waffles. One thing I will note about him is that he used his wisdom and humor in parenting, and was really sweet to snuggle with! Oh, and bless him for paying the bills all those years, and for his steadiness and sweetness and listening ear. Claudia