Santa Cruz

The affirmations that took place in my life recently:

Saw my cousins Sunday. Karen- who has this heart - how to describe it. It is like being at the Western Wall covered in a tallit, and the next second hearing her say she is intimidated opening the box of a massager you put over a chair, that she's technologically challenged. At the Passover Seder in April I heard her tell a woman about how long it took her to get dressed for the Seder, trying this outfit on and another, and the room she'd just spent a lot of time cleaning, now messed up with clothes. The woman smiled in relief: that was exactly what had happened to her that night she told me after Karen left, and she'd been very late to the Seder. And Karen is so aware of her boundaries and keeps voicing them with that voice that is like Vicks Vapor RubTM for the soul. She shows up all kinds of places through the phone or in person when people are in crisis.

Then my cousin Rachel. We went on a Bay cruise, the three of us. I hadn't seen Rachel since we were children. We went to the front of the boat to see the Golden Gate Bridge, accompanied by a bunch of macho guys, and we faced that wind, and braced against the boat, to see up close the bridge and the sky and the clouds, and the criss crosses of steel that made up that bridge as we passed underneath it. And this facing of life while she is overcoming a health crisis - this standing up to life and wind and man made and natural beauty.

Coming to Santa Cruz and being welcomed by old friends Jeff and Janey. Talking, telling about the crevices of life that I skip over with many people.

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My dreams include to be a harmonious, wise parent, to tell some people about a secret treasure trove I discovered of sustaining beauty, to write books and journal pages in color, and to facilitate Body Blessing/Soul Blessing/Life Bolstering movement experiences. From my husband's death, though it seems trite or unspeakable to say, I see that I have breath now, I have memory now, I have capacity now, and we will not be living on this earth plane forever. One day each of us goes on. I remember a friend Jan I didn't know well. After her death, we had a reception at her home and there was in her bathroom a basket with barrettes of various kinds. And the image stuck with me. I was stuck with barrettes I have been seeking all my life to make myself look more pretty or refined or tame me. I have been searching for how to express my voice. I have been searching for how to keep pulling myself up this mountain we call life, how to elevate myself, and comfort myself when I fall down, how to make it through the moments of fear and insecurity while climbing, and how to help others while I myself am still clawing at my fingertips on footholds at times, but remember worse times! And what in this limited time of life that we have, what will I create and do? What a big responsibility. I am responsible for how I use this little actor time I have. I am responsible for how much I devote to parenting, to writing, for how I treat every being I see? I have the freedom to choose what perspective I will have, and I can't spend my whole life coming up with the mission statement - it begins now and now and now.

He died and I will die. What do I want to leave on this earth, or in the hearts of those I know or meet? How shy and conforming to what is expected do I want to be or how outrageous do I need to be?

I need I need I n e e d I need to keep following the hints around me and within me, those subtle hints the color of dawn and have the courage to be new versions of what I thought of as myself as I keep climbing. Aren't we all less who we thought we are and who others thought we were than who we are?