Slowingdown

My house sucks. Smile. My house sucks big. My house is very messy. I was very overwhelmed by it and by my life today. I was overwhelmed at being single and having so much on me. I was overwhelmed that there was no one to help me (unless I asked), or paid for it. I was overwhelmed to have so much over time undone stuff that weighed on me night and day or at least day. I have been waking up paniced.

There is a soup bow with dried Tortilla Soup on the range, and the paper plates have dried up what's left of Trader Joe's dog food that I had to feed the cats because they were out of food, and asking. The dining room antique game table is full of piles of bills I hoped to organize but didn't get around to organizing and now they are mixed up, and there are other piles on top of them. I have been trying to get host families for Chinese families to make some money (plus have a good job), and I found one great host - need seven. Made up the flyer today - even gave a few out. I got bawled out over the phone by my supervisor this morning for having to leave a job prematurely months ago...when my kid was sick. So these were several of the things that weighed on me plus a neighbor who is older and handy shaking her head at me when I asked why someone would want to level a refridgerator before putting it in. "Do you even know what a level is?" she asked. (The new but used refridgerator sounds like a dentist drill at an airport when a plane is coming in).

As Dawna Markova describes, I was past the point of growth and in that other place where there's too much stretching. I was in a really scary place where I wanted to get rid of all that horribleness I felt, but it was me, and I didn't want to go off the edge, or did I to get rid of it - but I wanted my burdens to go off the edge only they were attached.

After days of feeling some strength, at least in the mornings, and feeling really good some days, the hugeness of all I need to do with papers, electricity repair people, handymen, bathroom baseboard job, Home Depot supplies, summer camps, jobs, got too much. I turned the porch light on - it blew out as I watched - smack. This is the one the electrician just got working two days ago. I turned the kitchen dimmer light on. That didn't work either. I'd just paid $90 for the electrician two days ago. I was on a slippery slope, and it was all too much.

Then my friend Jalieh called. Her voice was soft. She sounded different. I was embarrassed to be so funky, so triggered, so my brain exhausted. She lives in Atlanta and she told me again about this book she is reading, Slowing Down to the Speed of Life."

Because I have been losing papers right and left I wrote the title on a tile. Yes, on a white tile that was piled over my papers on the dining room table. In blue calligraphy pen. On another tile I wrote the author of this or another book she recommended: something about Anatomy of Peace. The author on my tile is George Pransky, pransky and associates.com (not correct address but close I suppose). These authors seem to have really analyzed what makes me feel my house and certain relatives and etc... suck, and why Jalieh makes me feel calm tonight. It was so awkward with her being so calm, peaceful, and me being like a seething fire in a black barbecue.

But by the end of the call I was Jaliehed, I was peaceful. She said she loves to hear my grounded voice and to say what I wanted from my heart. I'm making up the gist of it - it was even better. I prayed from my heart, (not the way we did it in synagogee, but the Christian way Toni - my Christian neighbor at the Johnson dorm at Columbia showed me to do it: personal from the heart). I also sang in another language while I prayed inside, because that frees up my insides to pray - forget about the words.

What if we did not betray our impulse to be kind, to be in integrity, no matter what anyone thought, without rationalizing and justifying it away? What if we were convinced that certain patterns could fall away, and we spared ourselves the constant debate, the inner fighting, the outer jousting and elbowing?

What if we were in harmony and others just added softness like Jalieh did, and asked us to pray or speak from our hearts, and we did, and one by one we felt loved, content and made those choices to not betray our souls? This is what occurs to me after hearing what she told me about the Slowing Down to the Speed of Life book.

She said something she'd also learned recently, about how to make decisions. She told me you ask a three point question (she added the fouth point): How will this choice affect you in ten seconds, in ten minutes, in ten years, for eternity? I realized it is my daughter that really counts to me for eternity. So what if the house sucks? I can get someone to help me with that. And there's a lot more electricity where that bulb comes from.

Good night. May you get through those times when you are at those crossroads of whether to snatch life - or paranoid ruminating, and make choices you smile about.




How are you today? Be well, well - be, welling, willing, being be

UncloggingtheEmotionalDrain

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

Affirmation for today:

I love being a being

Frank Corner: Yesterday I wrote about my morning ritual, which sometimes includes breathing into my heart, to see what remnants of events and interractions linger there. I realized today, as I did this practice, that when breathing into the heart, it is not only letting go, and loving what is there. It is spending a moment there with whatever one finds. (Sort of like going to the bathroom regularly, but for the emotions and soul).

Yesterday I was in excellent form and quite happy, but later in the afternoon I numbed out, went to a thrift store shopping and then was in a bad mood. Today I doodled while reflecting on an awkward moment yesterday with someone, someone I felt criticized by. I think this was what started "bumming me out." As I doodled, even giving it those few doodle seconds, I gained clarity on what was going on, and compassion for the young man, and learning about my part, which included seeing that I could have faced the "criticism" with humility. I also saw I would like to be more assertive in such a situation, and tell the person my perspetive too.

I sometimes think that this learning gets cut short by people being busy, and then they can get clogged up with all this unprocessed angst. I recall once going to Lake Panajatchel in Guatemala after a break-up with my boy-friend in 1978, and looking out at the lake, reflecting on years and years of my life and relationships. I guess we can have (make)vacations at Lake Atitlan (or our favorite lake, at least in our minds) daily where we unwind, learn, and enjoy. It was so green there at Lake Atitlan, and the people wore such fabulous colors!


Have a wonderful day. May your drain be clean with great flow. Claudia