GRIEVING

I have been reading Make Your Creative Dreams Real by SARK (http://www.planetsark.com) over fast food Indian Chicken Masala, and now I'm back at a computer at the Marriott Hotel in San Jose, while my daughter attends a Fanime convention (fans of anime). In one of the chapters about creative dreams SARK suggests: "Take your main fear about living more of your creative dreams and describe it in detail." In the next chapter she has people identify reasons you "can and will live your creative dreams." Thank you SARK!

One of my dreams is helping people through sharing my experience. One of my fears is that it won't be well received, and that the writing will be too heavy (too honest) or too light (not honest and deep enough). Reasons I can and will live this dream is because I value how honest I can be, and I actually recorded in the midst of experiences with my hubby in the hospital to remember things that would be helpful, and this note to my friend C. is pretty fresh - surprised that grieving is certainly not over by year two. Grief support leader said people get back to themselves at year three!


Though I'm super tired, thought I'd share with you a note about what I learned about grieving (from going through the first two years of it after husband died), that I wrote to a friend who just lost her husband. This is copyrighted Claudia Gold 2008, because I intend to put it into a publishable written form.

Dear C,

What I learned about grieving and etc...:

That it felt good to express what I was feeling. I used tomzuba.com and Young Widows Bulletin Board http://www.ywbb.com, and a support group. At the beginning (first weeks, maybe month or three?) support groups are a bit much.

That I did not feel like reaching out at all, but that people who are grieving do better when they ask for what they need from friends and family and get much more help and support. Later you will still be grieving but people won't realize it and it seems to me hardest to explain later that you are still grieving.

That it's good to plan times to be at the beach or look at his pictures and things, (not that you have much choice) cause then it won't bite you in the butt as much (including while driving). At some point you might want to take an hour a day to allot to it - not that it will always fit into that. That tears are the key out of the prison of grief and to let yourself... If you find yourself suddenly crying you can go into a rest room and let yourself wail. I found a point where I was crying and laughing intermittently - kind of an unusual experience. There is primal stuff we didn't know we would experience - it's rather shocking.

That you may feel crazy at times (but you may be used to that). This is all from my own experience and what I learned - you may experience something different of course. Pacing is normal.

Guilt and regret can come up. It usually is not that fruitful. I'd recommend that if you get into this to really make some plans for making changes in your life and write them down - otherwise it seems kindof worthless over the long haul, doesn't go anywhere. Tom Zuba has some good perspectives on taking the pieces of the heart that one wants to keep and sorting out what one doesn't want to keep about one's life. It can be really a meaty time for transformation over time.

That one's filters are gone - and you didn't have many to start with. I had no sense of diplomacy when I wanted to work something out with someone - some school official or whatever, and made things worse by my bluntness and anger. I would bring someone to any negotiation or tender matter to keep yourself in check. People do not respond well to someone who is forthright in criticism or anger, and it is not worth it ultimately.

That the Jews were right when they said there is a wrip in the fabric when someone dies. We got so accustomed to them being part of the fabric of our lives - good, bad, indifferent or whatever they were.

To be careful when driving!

That there are disappointments because no one seems to get what we feel or need, and the need, vacuum is so huge - it's like nothing can fill it. People in the same family sometimes grieve different ways at different times and often aren't there for support. Other grievers get it more.

This is my little input this morning. Oh, also I think it is an excellent time, at least eventually, for sincere prayer and therapy if one needs it or believes in it. One's filters are gone so the defenses are so less. Bye-bye defenses.

I did not feel like cooking for...well, a long time, even maybe now I feel like doing it a little.

That sometimes people reached out to me but I didn't catch it (I felt awkward at being in such an unusual state)- and I wished I'd caught it and returned their call, or took them up on an offer to say sit with me and help pay bills.

To make a list of people who are loving and good and their phone numbers and call one a day if it would help.

Claudia To See my new blog - Http://WidowinDatingland.blogspot.com

* [Prison image and some other suggestions were given in groups led by Marilyn Kaplan, LCSW http://www.hoaghospital.org/services/PastoralCare.aspx].

** Hope this letter is of help to someone reading this blog