Have been working day and night to produce this journal, which is from my love of color, my experience with what I needed for grieving, and my love of working with paper. I heard today that creativity stimulates the same area of the brain as healing does. When someone is healing from a physical injury, the same part of their brain is lit as when someone is being creative!! I am healing all the time. I'm having trouble downloading pictures, but hope to do this soon.
Today I read from Alan Wolfelt's book/journal about the journey through grief. It brought up to me that his work would have been helpful to have earlier, as he talks about facing that the death happened as the first thing that needs to be done. I realized I haven't totally gotton the gems out of grief and worn them on my crown - I still am holding on to how hard it is to be single mom,, and widowed in this society. More work to do! His approach is helpful and compassionate. Mine is more intuitive. He is an expert and I am someone who is going on her own experience. So tired from late night production. Here it is and I have some good testimonials I hope to insert soon. I got my first order this week!
New Expressive Arts Journals - Introductory Special
Dancing Artist: A Journal for Discovering Treasures
Birthday % Holiday Editions
The Birthday Journal is for reflection on what is to celebrate about you, and to take steps to embody your deepest dreams and inclinations towards growth. For yourself or another person you cherish. Children and Babies Birthday Journal - a version for birthdays of little people – the doting relatives and friends at the birthday party fill out portions about memories, wishes, and shining attributes already noted). Mini-Holiday Journals are to let family friends express/appreciate/share holiday hopes at holiday gatherings. Journals can be brought out yearly. Calligraphed name/birth date on birthday journals.
Love 101: To Mourn, Perchance to Dance Journal
This is an awesome journal containing sections that that open up reflection, awareness and integration, and bring the person grieving love and compassion in their process. Hand-calligraphed, book includes Reflection Questions, Expressive Arts Exercises, Bridge from Guilt to Compassion, Canopy of Support, and Faces of Grief illustration.
The Color Coded Clutch Purse: What to Pack Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually for Honey’s Hospital Stay
This journal contains excellent tools for keeping sane on all levels and preventing unnecessary stress before, during, and after a hospitalization. Author created it based on 20 years as a hospital social worker, and going through hospitalizations with her husband when he had cancer. Contains journal pages with calligraphy and vivid pastel color.
Journals contain natural wool/cashmere yarns or ribbons & surprises.
Expressive Arts from and for the Heart. By expressive arts therapist, MSW. Comfort Baskets & “You are Loved” monthly/weekly pages available for stressed people. Journals $23, Introductory Special: $19. Mini-Journals $5, now $4. Contact me and will e-mail shipping and handling fees/order form. Give the gift of healing for the holidays.
Call/ e-mail: Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net, Claudia Gold: 310.707.6306
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
ExpressiveArtsJournalsforSpecialOccasions
I'm so excited to put in form years of evolving journals that I've been creating. I will include all the info after I get back from having a great Sunday.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
NavigatingHospitalizations
Even though I canot do everything perfectly for myself or my loved one, I deeply and totally accept and love myself.
The Color Coded Purse: What to Pack for Your Body, Mind and Spirit During a Loved One's Hospital Stay
If you have a loved one in the hospital, you might want to read an article I once wrote about navigating hospitalizations. I view this very seriously, because it takes every skill one has, every emotional strength and attitude adjusting ability to stay on top of this type of transforming life event. Of course I wrote this for challenging hospitalizations, not for the wonderful ones like when a loved one has a well baby.
Tips for Preparing for Hospitalization of Loved One (If You Know of Hospitalization in Advance)
1. Take a tour of the medical center in advance, to add to your sense of security, and reduce anxiety. Get familiar with the eating establishments, what is located where, and what hours they are open. Ask for the hospital information booklet that has directions, phones numbers.
2. You can call the hospital and ask for a security person, a social worker, a chaplain, to ask questions that help familiarize you with the hospital culture, policies, parking, services, routines, lay-out. You may make friendly, helpful connections, and find a familiar person at the hospital.
3. If various people are helping you with such things as your house, children, plants, cats and dogs, snake, frog, type a list with address and phone number of hospital, directions to hospital, and phone numbers of people involved, and e-mail list to all people helping.
4. Be as good to yourself as possible the week or two before the hospitalization, if it is a planned hospitalization. Get a massage. Avoid difficult people. (It is not unusual for a relative or two to behave badly at the worst times [don’t let it rob your peace] or for someone to be an angel out of the blue).
5. If you call a doctor or nurse and they do not call you back, avoid taking it personally, and focus on getting the answers. If ten calls fall through the cracks, and you keep asking why, you can get very stressed out. Ask what you can learn, such as that you can be perseverant in contacting medical staff to get whatever questions you have about the medical condition/procedure/hospitalization answered (call morning and evening, or five times a day, or very early or late if necessary).
Surgery dates are not written in stone: if you need one changed, call to arrange it. Call to confirm scheduled surgery/procedure date. If you have doctors at different hospitals, even if they have different specializations, do not rely on them to get on the same page; make certain they have the same agenda, especially for surgeries/procedures, and that they have each other’s cell phones. Have surgeons spell out for you what their plans and contingency plans are for a surgery.
You are needed to be a kind of care coordinator; the staff/doctor may be busy, unable to reach your other doctor, or otherwise not get around to it even if they intended to and told you they would. Doctors may have many pressures and patients, in a medical center environment which may be in the red and cost-conscious.
6. Consider the team approach: ask close relative(s) and/or friend(s) or members of faith community to be on the team to support your loved one, to take shifts with you in staying in the hospital to care for and advocate full-time when your loved one is hospitalized, or at least sedated or not fully themselves. {Call in the troops; it could prevent one person from getting post-traumatic stress disorder). Nurse’s aides and nurses are sometimes too busy to provide personal care desired. I believe if the person hospitalized is very close to you, it can help for you to have a support person there for you, at least for the days of a major surgery, to help with practical things and to ground and support you.
7. Attach a spiral purse-sized notebook to your purse, where you write down information, or put all notes in your daily organizer or wherever you keep things to be organized. The notebook is for keeping with you to write down notes on what doctors say, on the spot, such as mid-surgery, and during rounds. Men might want to keep a tiny pad of paper in their pants pocket.
Also collect doctors' business cards for correct spelling and fax numbers. Ask how to reach doctors generally, and at nights, on week-ends and holidays. Your notebook, or your scheduler, will keep numbers of medical team, and people, therapist, organizations you might want to call for support. (It also can be used as a journal for keeping favorite inspiring quotes, happy photos, reminders, a stress balancing plan, pages for journaling, and your ongoing, dated, lists of questions and staff’s answers).
8. Feel free to ask friends, relatives, faith community for help and give them an opportunity to reap the rewards of service. I asked a friend how often I could call, and she said daily, any time day or night – was I happily surprised! Perhaps you need a meal, people gathered around your loved one or yourself to pray the night before chemo or surgery, help getting the house in order to feel sane, or prayers. If you ask, the most wonderful people may come over to help, and be companions so you do not feel alone.
What to Bring to Hospital for You and Your Loved One
1. Copies of previous tests, reports, and films (helps to buy films if illness could be progressive).
2. Comfortable, breathable fabric, clothes than can double as pajamas, if you stay over in room or lounge, and change of clothes - include hooded sweat shirt for warmth (especially if your loved one goes to the ICU and you sleep in a waiting room), and slip on shoes, for getting up at night. A few days’ supply of underwear.
3. Toiletries in an Organizer, placed in a tote bag - 1) Little boxes of soap, shampoo, conditioner; shower cap; deodorant; 2) mini tooth brush and tooth paste, mouth wash; 3) make-up; 4) nail care; 5) brush and comb, organic lavender lotion (or your favorite type) and massage oil to massage loved one and give self foot massage; 6) side pockets can hold packets of herb tea (e.g. Chamomile, Tension Tamer, Chai), spare socks, thank you cards, stationary and stamps. (I also included natural homeopathic and flower remedies such as Rescue Remedy - a few drops in water bottle, and 5HTP Calm - to reduce my anxiety). Organize in travel bag with multiple see-through and mesh compartments, like the Studio Basic's Overnight Pack.
Place overnight pack in a tote bag containing soft toilet paper and soft tissues, natural room spray, your filled vitamin box, water bottles and your favorite crafts/hobbies: knitting, magazines or projects, described below. Also include a notebook with copies of previous labs and test results, any discharge summaries, and current medications, (Some people have notebooks with copies of all records from doctors’ offices and from hospitalizations – obtained through Medical Records). A separate bag will be needed for your food, and food your loved one likes that fits in with the diet ordered by the M.D. This bag may or may not fit in your large tote bag. Any films from cat-scans, MRI’s…will be large, needing a bag of their own (could use a portfolio carrier) or carried by themselves.
4. Music: Radio, 2 CD player/cassette/"walkman" players, headphones for you and loved one, favorite CD's, tapes.
5. Favorite foods, drinks, teas. I included some fresh foods like red peppers and baby carrots, with ranch dip, potatoes, and salsa. Fresh food is pleasant to eat in the hospital, consider fruit salad. Treat foods are nice, such as quiche, and bottled water. Most hospitals have a little fridge and microwave in a pantry for guests. If caregiver stays at a hotel, a refrigerator can be requested. Next time I would bring a small blender as I like smoothies.
6. Knitting, crocheting, a handi-craft, short project, and/or favorite magazine, book of humor or short stories, and your MOST inspiring literature and/or tapes/CD's (may include something from your religion/spiritual path that gives meaning to illness/life challenges, and a tape that includes subliminal messages for recovering from surgery or illness), and videos or CD’s of movies. A flashlight. As you know, a caregiver can read an article or chapter, or do a project, while waiting for the loved one to get out of a test or procedure or while sitting in the room or lounge, and can be adaptable to stop for when a doctor, meal, visitor arrives. The flashlight is for night or early morning, setting up your music, journaling, reading including your most inspiring quote, poem, or sacred book, praying, meditating, and reflecting.
Sometimes people are so on remote control, focused, or with so much adrenaline and other stress chemicals, hyper-alert and juggling so many things, that they can’t read, pray and meditate in their usual way in the hospital – but can benefit from being in nature, looking out a window onto nature, taking a shower, writing a poem, using some physical relaxation method or some other way they find they can get connected.
7. Purse - with lots of compartments & attached cell phone carrier, and change purse with key chain attached (or other large key chain, to find easily), stocked with cash for cafeteria, phone card in case hospital has a policy against using cell phones, protein bars or other snacks to tide you over in case of an emergency room visit, and breath mints for close contact with your loved one. Keep everything, including spiral notebook, in purse at all times.
8. Lap-top computer - Some people like to bring theirs for projects, research, passing time, etc…
9. Photos and decorations for making hospital room a healing center, and dry erase markers (one medical center did not write the names of nurses on white board as people stole their dry erase pens). Pack photo of loved one in a setting they love, family photos, cards, quotes, that you and your loved one love, and place at bedside or on bulletin board, to inspire and heal you and your loved one. I put up a large poster of a rural farm house and stream, and brought in a lush green plant, as my husband has allergies to flowers. We hung a crystal by the window. Bring natural items of beauty or scent that you like to balance the hospital environment:: a sea shell, a peacock feather, a little Zen sandbox with a rake, a bouquet of lavender, sage and other fragrant herbs, grapefruit oil, herbal tea…
10. Bedding and bathrobe, slippers - Some people like to bring blanket, pillow and a few softer sheets (some hospitals have rough sheets) for the bed, from home, for their loved one. (A caregiver might have a preference for having their own pillow and blanket, too, if planning to stay over)
11. Gifts and thank-you for staff, loved one, for yourself. We gave small gifts/note cards to staff who was especially helpful, and gifts for unit, such as a placard we helped color, that said "Care" on it, Uniball© pens (they are like gold in a medical center]. According to medical center policies, gifts for staff need to be perishable - flowers, food, ordering a dinner delivered for nurses. Presents for your loved one, or for yourself – your loved one may be too sedated to thank you - might be a pretty new journal, a new lotion, music or book on tape, a pretty shirt with favorite colors; unwrap your presents when you need one.
Support for You Supporting Your Loved One in the Hospital
1. Soon after you arrive, scout out, or ask nurse or other families for locations of family pantries, lounges, family rooms, available cots, linen closet.
2. Monitor for safety and comfort: medications and dosages, any reactions; ordered tests done on time, nutrition correct as ordered; adequate blankets for procedures... Advocate in person for adequate sedation if test painful.
3. When doctors make rounds, briefly summarize what other doctors have told you. Be prepared to discuss clearly and concisely your list of questions, and let doctors know you have a list of questions in the first minutes of seeing them (they may only stop by for three minutes and may not ask if you have questions; you can supply them with a copy to refer to, or give nurse a dated copy to give to doctor). Remember that you are an important part of the team, with a unique perspective from being with your loved one consistently, and being familiar with what has gone on. Your love for the person hospitalized may be the strongest healing force involved. Even if you feel intimidated by a doctor, remember, they are not God, and it is normal not to understand medical terminology, especially when stressed. Feel free to keep asking. (It is normal to feel stupid).
4. A positive, grateful approach can bring out the best in people, and keep you less stressed. Nurses, social workers, chaplains, case mangers, can be helpful allies. If I had to give one piece of advice it would be: focus on being courteous, e.g. “Would you be so kind as to….?” A natural, and mutually beneficial way to do this is to make a connection with the staff person, by empathizing about their day or shift, asking how they are doing, noticing something in common. Ask and ask again as needed to prevent requests from falling into black holes.
One experienced nurse recommended standing at the nurse station with your request, if you want to be helped. She reiterated that the squeaky wheel only gets the grease. Squeaking early on can prevent being resentful and angry later. Be prepared to keep asking sweetly, with gratitude, as much as you need to, and to be more assertive than you have ever been in your entire life. My uncle who is a rabbi considers nurses as healing angels from God, and my aunt brings them home-baked treats; they came back from my uncle’s hospital stay with only positive things to say about the staff and the experience. Another uncle gave huge amounts of appreciation and even tips to staff – and people went out of their way to help him.
5. Find a safe, loving, and even creative way to feel and express feelings. Unexpressed feelings don't go away, but can come out in unexpected ways. One way is to share the real thoughts and feelings with someone who is both loving and honest. If they have experience with having a family member ill, or with hospitalizations, all the better. You want to be wise open up to people who have been consistently trustworthy.
Sometimes it is a dance to feel out who you feel comfortable talking about what to, and to trust it. The support may come from a hospital social worker, therapist, family member, friend, chaplain, telephone counselor from an organization related to your loved one's illness, person of your faith, and/or a support group.
In my particular situation, dealing with an ongoing illness of my loved one, I found it very helpful to find a touching piece of music that made me cry and listen to it over and over again, getting out my tears. I also found going to a expressive moment class (in this case based on the work of Gabrielle Roth, and her Five Rhythms work, including many tyles of music), writing poems, and doing journaling, including with free drawing, accesses different layers of feeling, and movis through mental barriers and stuck places into new awarenesses in a way that is surprising, and comes from within.
6. Do something relaxing and/or inspiring before going to sleep, whether it is taking deep, comfortable breaths, progressive relaxation, listening to a soothing tape, praying, or giving yourself a foot massage. Be open to healing, strength, and wisdom during your sleep.
7. When you are out of sorts, feel out how much space you need: try leaving the room, going down the hall, taking a walk outside, calling a friend/therapist; or going home for a break: to take a bath, hug the cat/child, and/or go to the hairdresser or masseuse. I felt bad leaving, but came back after a long stay in a massage chair, with a new cute hair-cut , and my husband told me I looked beautiful. Wow.
8. If your loved one is grumpy, don't take it personally. You and loved one may have different styles, and under stress of the hospitalization, conflicts can occur, sometimes over loved one wanting autonomy, but dealing with having limited independence.
9. When you stay over: arrange treats for yourself in hospital: have food delivered, rent movies, asks a friend to visit for you even if your loved one is not up for a visit. Take a nice hot shower to relieve stress. Visit with other pleasant family members/friends who are at the hospital for their loved ones. They can be an informal support group. Open presents you have brought for yourself, when you need one.
10. Whatever you are feeling, however strange, is normal. Give yourself understanding for anything you are feeling, even if it seems bizarre. You may feel strange to yourself and neurotic tendencies and regression might surface under these stresses. You may feel like you are on remote-control, hyper-alert, and anyone who tries to be intellectual with you might not make any sense. Feeling strange is part of the response during stress and crisis times. On the positive side, you may be more present, in the moment, where you can appreciate a smile, a pretty scrub outfit, a rose, a view out a window.
11. Don’t hesitate to ask for anything: all you can get it a yes or no. We asked for a room with a view, and when it was available, received it, and it made a difference to my husband. When our to be adopted daughter was born, we asked for a room for the night to be with her and received it. When my husband wanted to be discharged on a Sunday and there was no discharge planner available, we asked the head nurse and we got it done. I have seen people create their own realities at hospitals, such as a mom with a newborn in ICU who lived locally camping out in a family room reserved for out of town families, because it was essential for her that she be there.
12. You and your team members are the ones who can put the lip moisturizer on your loved one, massage their feet, read or sing to them, get the headphones and CD set up, go get a needed pad or blanket, adjust the room temperature, ask staff for something they need, tell staff they are not ready to be discharged if you are seeing signs of that. You are the ones that can advocate if there is a need; the nurse’s aides and nurses might be too busy. At the least, you may be preventing them being more stressed in an already stressful situation, and from slipping backwards. At the most, you could be saving your loved one’s life. Trust your intuiton and err on the side of speaking your truth.
While I sincerely hope you gain one or more helpful tips from this article, one that will be useful for you or someone else, and may be remembered at some later date when needed, you may find yourself at an ER, a medical center, an ICU, supporting someone, with nothing on any of these lists, no color coded purse. In that instance, you are the color coded purse. You are the best resource. Your presence, your instincts, your kindness, your ability to connect with staff, with your loved one, to focus on getting what your loved one needs and not react to the five things that are not happening like you might like them to, are the most important things you will need.
Friends, to be always ready for an emergency in such situations, you need to keep on top of giving yourself some care, some pleasures. As feasible, take big portions of things like: sunlight, sitting in nature, tea, your own hair cuts and dentist and health visits, showers, music, massage chairs, clean underwear, holding hands with friend, speaking to loving friend on phone. And don't feel guilty for not doing this perfectly. There is no perfection here, we all make mistakes and have delays with caring for ourselves and for our loved ones.
Best wishes to you and honoring you for your helpful, devoted services to your loved one, and for caring for your sweet self, in advance.
Remember Gary Craig's (EFT) wonderful affirmation formula, applied here as: Even though I canot do everything perfectly for myself or my loved one, I deeply and totally accept and love myself.
Claudia Gold-Fanning c 2008
I am currently offering consultations and presentations on The Color Coded Purse, through my company Foundations for Excellence, and have a forthcoming book on the subject. I can be reached at (310) 514-2484. You are free to quote from this article if you include author's name and title of work it is from.
The Color Coded Purse: What to Pack for Your Body, Mind and Spirit During a Loved One's Hospital Stay
If you have a loved one in the hospital, you might want to read an article I once wrote about navigating hospitalizations. I view this very seriously, because it takes every skill one has, every emotional strength and attitude adjusting ability to stay on top of this type of transforming life event. Of course I wrote this for challenging hospitalizations, not for the wonderful ones like when a loved one has a well baby.
Tips for Preparing for Hospitalization of Loved One (If You Know of Hospitalization in Advance)
1. Take a tour of the medical center in advance, to add to your sense of security, and reduce anxiety. Get familiar with the eating establishments, what is located where, and what hours they are open. Ask for the hospital information booklet that has directions, phones numbers.
2. You can call the hospital and ask for a security person, a social worker, a chaplain, to ask questions that help familiarize you with the hospital culture, policies, parking, services, routines, lay-out. You may make friendly, helpful connections, and find a familiar person at the hospital.
3. If various people are helping you with such things as your house, children, plants, cats and dogs, snake, frog, type a list with address and phone number of hospital, directions to hospital, and phone numbers of people involved, and e-mail list to all people helping.
4. Be as good to yourself as possible the week or two before the hospitalization, if it is a planned hospitalization. Get a massage. Avoid difficult people. (It is not unusual for a relative or two to behave badly at the worst times [don’t let it rob your peace] or for someone to be an angel out of the blue).
5. If you call a doctor or nurse and they do not call you back, avoid taking it personally, and focus on getting the answers. If ten calls fall through the cracks, and you keep asking why, you can get very stressed out. Ask what you can learn, such as that you can be perseverant in contacting medical staff to get whatever questions you have about the medical condition/procedure/hospitalization answered (call morning and evening, or five times a day, or very early or late if necessary).
Surgery dates are not written in stone: if you need one changed, call to arrange it. Call to confirm scheduled surgery/procedure date. If you have doctors at different hospitals, even if they have different specializations, do not rely on them to get on the same page; make certain they have the same agenda, especially for surgeries/procedures, and that they have each other’s cell phones. Have surgeons spell out for you what their plans and contingency plans are for a surgery.
You are needed to be a kind of care coordinator; the staff/doctor may be busy, unable to reach your other doctor, or otherwise not get around to it even if they intended to and told you they would. Doctors may have many pressures and patients, in a medical center environment which may be in the red and cost-conscious.
6. Consider the team approach: ask close relative(s) and/or friend(s) or members of faith community to be on the team to support your loved one, to take shifts with you in staying in the hospital to care for and advocate full-time when your loved one is hospitalized, or at least sedated or not fully themselves. {Call in the troops; it could prevent one person from getting post-traumatic stress disorder). Nurse’s aides and nurses are sometimes too busy to provide personal care desired. I believe if the person hospitalized is very close to you, it can help for you to have a support person there for you, at least for the days of a major surgery, to help with practical things and to ground and support you.
7. Attach a spiral purse-sized notebook to your purse, where you write down information, or put all notes in your daily organizer or wherever you keep things to be organized. The notebook is for keeping with you to write down notes on what doctors say, on the spot, such as mid-surgery, and during rounds. Men might want to keep a tiny pad of paper in their pants pocket.
Also collect doctors' business cards for correct spelling and fax numbers. Ask how to reach doctors generally, and at nights, on week-ends and holidays. Your notebook, or your scheduler, will keep numbers of medical team, and people, therapist, organizations you might want to call for support. (It also can be used as a journal for keeping favorite inspiring quotes, happy photos, reminders, a stress balancing plan, pages for journaling, and your ongoing, dated, lists of questions and staff’s answers).
8. Feel free to ask friends, relatives, faith community for help and give them an opportunity to reap the rewards of service. I asked a friend how often I could call, and she said daily, any time day or night – was I happily surprised! Perhaps you need a meal, people gathered around your loved one or yourself to pray the night before chemo or surgery, help getting the house in order to feel sane, or prayers. If you ask, the most wonderful people may come over to help, and be companions so you do not feel alone.
What to Bring to Hospital for You and Your Loved One
1. Copies of previous tests, reports, and films (helps to buy films if illness could be progressive).
2. Comfortable, breathable fabric, clothes than can double as pajamas, if you stay over in room or lounge, and change of clothes - include hooded sweat shirt for warmth (especially if your loved one goes to the ICU and you sleep in a waiting room), and slip on shoes, for getting up at night. A few days’ supply of underwear.
3. Toiletries in an Organizer, placed in a tote bag - 1) Little boxes of soap, shampoo, conditioner; shower cap; deodorant; 2) mini tooth brush and tooth paste, mouth wash; 3) make-up; 4) nail care; 5) brush and comb, organic lavender lotion (or your favorite type) and massage oil to massage loved one and give self foot massage; 6) side pockets can hold packets of herb tea (e.g. Chamomile, Tension Tamer, Chai), spare socks, thank you cards, stationary and stamps. (I also included natural homeopathic and flower remedies such as Rescue Remedy - a few drops in water bottle, and 5HTP Calm - to reduce my anxiety). Organize in travel bag with multiple see-through and mesh compartments, like the Studio Basic's Overnight Pack.
Place overnight pack in a tote bag containing soft toilet paper and soft tissues, natural room spray, your filled vitamin box, water bottles and your favorite crafts/hobbies: knitting, magazines or projects, described below. Also include a notebook with copies of previous labs and test results, any discharge summaries, and current medications, (Some people have notebooks with copies of all records from doctors’ offices and from hospitalizations – obtained through Medical Records). A separate bag will be needed for your food, and food your loved one likes that fits in with the diet ordered by the M.D. This bag may or may not fit in your large tote bag. Any films from cat-scans, MRI’s…will be large, needing a bag of their own (could use a portfolio carrier) or carried by themselves.
4. Music: Radio, 2 CD player/cassette/"walkman" players, headphones for you and loved one, favorite CD's, tapes.
5. Favorite foods, drinks, teas. I included some fresh foods like red peppers and baby carrots, with ranch dip, potatoes, and salsa. Fresh food is pleasant to eat in the hospital, consider fruit salad. Treat foods are nice, such as quiche, and bottled water. Most hospitals have a little fridge and microwave in a pantry for guests. If caregiver stays at a hotel, a refrigerator can be requested. Next time I would bring a small blender as I like smoothies.
6. Knitting, crocheting, a handi-craft, short project, and/or favorite magazine, book of humor or short stories, and your MOST inspiring literature and/or tapes/CD's (may include something from your religion/spiritual path that gives meaning to illness/life challenges, and a tape that includes subliminal messages for recovering from surgery or illness), and videos or CD’s of movies. A flashlight. As you know, a caregiver can read an article or chapter, or do a project, while waiting for the loved one to get out of a test or procedure or while sitting in the room or lounge, and can be adaptable to stop for when a doctor, meal, visitor arrives. The flashlight is for night or early morning, setting up your music, journaling, reading including your most inspiring quote, poem, or sacred book, praying, meditating, and reflecting.
Sometimes people are so on remote control, focused, or with so much adrenaline and other stress chemicals, hyper-alert and juggling so many things, that they can’t read, pray and meditate in their usual way in the hospital – but can benefit from being in nature, looking out a window onto nature, taking a shower, writing a poem, using some physical relaxation method or some other way they find they can get connected.
7. Purse - with lots of compartments & attached cell phone carrier, and change purse with key chain attached (or other large key chain, to find easily), stocked with cash for cafeteria, phone card in case hospital has a policy against using cell phones, protein bars or other snacks to tide you over in case of an emergency room visit, and breath mints for close contact with your loved one. Keep everything, including spiral notebook, in purse at all times.
8. Lap-top computer - Some people like to bring theirs for projects, research, passing time, etc…
9. Photos and decorations for making hospital room a healing center, and dry erase markers (one medical center did not write the names of nurses on white board as people stole their dry erase pens). Pack photo of loved one in a setting they love, family photos, cards, quotes, that you and your loved one love, and place at bedside or on bulletin board, to inspire and heal you and your loved one. I put up a large poster of a rural farm house and stream, and brought in a lush green plant, as my husband has allergies to flowers. We hung a crystal by the window. Bring natural items of beauty or scent that you like to balance the hospital environment:: a sea shell, a peacock feather, a little Zen sandbox with a rake, a bouquet of lavender, sage and other fragrant herbs, grapefruit oil, herbal tea…
10. Bedding and bathrobe, slippers - Some people like to bring blanket, pillow and a few softer sheets (some hospitals have rough sheets) for the bed, from home, for their loved one. (A caregiver might have a preference for having their own pillow and blanket, too, if planning to stay over)
11. Gifts and thank-you for staff, loved one, for yourself. We gave small gifts/note cards to staff who was especially helpful, and gifts for unit, such as a placard we helped color, that said "Care" on it, Uniball© pens (they are like gold in a medical center]. According to medical center policies, gifts for staff need to be perishable - flowers, food, ordering a dinner delivered for nurses. Presents for your loved one, or for yourself – your loved one may be too sedated to thank you - might be a pretty new journal, a new lotion, music or book on tape, a pretty shirt with favorite colors; unwrap your presents when you need one.
Support for You Supporting Your Loved One in the Hospital
1. Soon after you arrive, scout out, or ask nurse or other families for locations of family pantries, lounges, family rooms, available cots, linen closet.
2. Monitor for safety and comfort: medications and dosages, any reactions; ordered tests done on time, nutrition correct as ordered; adequate blankets for procedures... Advocate in person for adequate sedation if test painful.
3. When doctors make rounds, briefly summarize what other doctors have told you. Be prepared to discuss clearly and concisely your list of questions, and let doctors know you have a list of questions in the first minutes of seeing them (they may only stop by for three minutes and may not ask if you have questions; you can supply them with a copy to refer to, or give nurse a dated copy to give to doctor). Remember that you are an important part of the team, with a unique perspective from being with your loved one consistently, and being familiar with what has gone on. Your love for the person hospitalized may be the strongest healing force involved. Even if you feel intimidated by a doctor, remember, they are not God, and it is normal not to understand medical terminology, especially when stressed. Feel free to keep asking. (It is normal to feel stupid).
4. A positive, grateful approach can bring out the best in people, and keep you less stressed. Nurses, social workers, chaplains, case mangers, can be helpful allies. If I had to give one piece of advice it would be: focus on being courteous, e.g. “Would you be so kind as to….?” A natural, and mutually beneficial way to do this is to make a connection with the staff person, by empathizing about their day or shift, asking how they are doing, noticing something in common. Ask and ask again as needed to prevent requests from falling into black holes.
One experienced nurse recommended standing at the nurse station with your request, if you want to be helped. She reiterated that the squeaky wheel only gets the grease. Squeaking early on can prevent being resentful and angry later. Be prepared to keep asking sweetly, with gratitude, as much as you need to, and to be more assertive than you have ever been in your entire life. My uncle who is a rabbi considers nurses as healing angels from God, and my aunt brings them home-baked treats; they came back from my uncle’s hospital stay with only positive things to say about the staff and the experience. Another uncle gave huge amounts of appreciation and even tips to staff – and people went out of their way to help him.
5. Find a safe, loving, and even creative way to feel and express feelings. Unexpressed feelings don't go away, but can come out in unexpected ways. One way is to share the real thoughts and feelings with someone who is both loving and honest. If they have experience with having a family member ill, or with hospitalizations, all the better. You want to be wise open up to people who have been consistently trustworthy.
Sometimes it is a dance to feel out who you feel comfortable talking about what to, and to trust it. The support may come from a hospital social worker, therapist, family member, friend, chaplain, telephone counselor from an organization related to your loved one's illness, person of your faith, and/or a support group.
In my particular situation, dealing with an ongoing illness of my loved one, I found it very helpful to find a touching piece of music that made me cry and listen to it over and over again, getting out my tears. I also found going to a expressive moment class (in this case based on the work of Gabrielle Roth, and her Five Rhythms work, including many tyles of music), writing poems, and doing journaling, including with free drawing, accesses different layers of feeling, and movis through mental barriers and stuck places into new awarenesses in a way that is surprising, and comes from within.
6. Do something relaxing and/or inspiring before going to sleep, whether it is taking deep, comfortable breaths, progressive relaxation, listening to a soothing tape, praying, or giving yourself a foot massage. Be open to healing, strength, and wisdom during your sleep.
7. When you are out of sorts, feel out how much space you need: try leaving the room, going down the hall, taking a walk outside, calling a friend/therapist; or going home for a break: to take a bath, hug the cat/child, and/or go to the hairdresser or masseuse. I felt bad leaving, but came back after a long stay in a massage chair, with a new cute hair-cut , and my husband told me I looked beautiful. Wow.
8. If your loved one is grumpy, don't take it personally. You and loved one may have different styles, and under stress of the hospitalization, conflicts can occur, sometimes over loved one wanting autonomy, but dealing with having limited independence.
9. When you stay over: arrange treats for yourself in hospital: have food delivered, rent movies, asks a friend to visit for you even if your loved one is not up for a visit. Take a nice hot shower to relieve stress. Visit with other pleasant family members/friends who are at the hospital for their loved ones. They can be an informal support group. Open presents you have brought for yourself, when you need one.
10. Whatever you are feeling, however strange, is normal. Give yourself understanding for anything you are feeling, even if it seems bizarre. You may feel strange to yourself and neurotic tendencies and regression might surface under these stresses. You may feel like you are on remote-control, hyper-alert, and anyone who tries to be intellectual with you might not make any sense. Feeling strange is part of the response during stress and crisis times. On the positive side, you may be more present, in the moment, where you can appreciate a smile, a pretty scrub outfit, a rose, a view out a window.
11. Don’t hesitate to ask for anything: all you can get it a yes or no. We asked for a room with a view, and when it was available, received it, and it made a difference to my husband. When our to be adopted daughter was born, we asked for a room for the night to be with her and received it. When my husband wanted to be discharged on a Sunday and there was no discharge planner available, we asked the head nurse and we got it done. I have seen people create their own realities at hospitals, such as a mom with a newborn in ICU who lived locally camping out in a family room reserved for out of town families, because it was essential for her that she be there.
12. You and your team members are the ones who can put the lip moisturizer on your loved one, massage their feet, read or sing to them, get the headphones and CD set up, go get a needed pad or blanket, adjust the room temperature, ask staff for something they need, tell staff they are not ready to be discharged if you are seeing signs of that. You are the ones that can advocate if there is a need; the nurse’s aides and nurses might be too busy. At the least, you may be preventing them being more stressed in an already stressful situation, and from slipping backwards. At the most, you could be saving your loved one’s life. Trust your intuiton and err on the side of speaking your truth.
While I sincerely hope you gain one or more helpful tips from this article, one that will be useful for you or someone else, and may be remembered at some later date when needed, you may find yourself at an ER, a medical center, an ICU, supporting someone, with nothing on any of these lists, no color coded purse. In that instance, you are the color coded purse. You are the best resource. Your presence, your instincts, your kindness, your ability to connect with staff, with your loved one, to focus on getting what your loved one needs and not react to the five things that are not happening like you might like them to, are the most important things you will need.
Friends, to be always ready for an emergency in such situations, you need to keep on top of giving yourself some care, some pleasures. As feasible, take big portions of things like: sunlight, sitting in nature, tea, your own hair cuts and dentist and health visits, showers, music, massage chairs, clean underwear, holding hands with friend, speaking to loving friend on phone. And don't feel guilty for not doing this perfectly. There is no perfection here, we all make mistakes and have delays with caring for ourselves and for our loved ones.
Best wishes to you and honoring you for your helpful, devoted services to your loved one, and for caring for your sweet self, in advance.
Remember Gary Craig's (EFT) wonderful affirmation formula, applied here as: Even though I canot do everything perfectly for myself or my loved one, I deeply and totally accept and love myself.
Claudia Gold-Fanning c 2008
I am currently offering consultations and presentations on The Color Coded Purse, through my company Foundations for Excellence, and have a forthcoming book on the subject. I can be reached at (310) 514-2484. You are free to quote from this article if you include author's name and title of work it is from.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
ThisMoment
Boundaries - I need to go construct boundaries for my day... So I have only a few moments.
Sari, regarding your comment about how to use the "This Moment Calendar", I think it is to notice anything you are feeling in your body, mind, soul and that writing elicits the awareness, sortof like meditating on paper. I will share some moments:
Antsy cause I have so much to do
Dove on wire above jacaranda trees is no longer there
Arms look relaxed on computer board even though I am tensed for what to do today
I will need strength to tackle tasks for today
I think I'll take EmergenC
And walk - schedule a walk
I notice the long post I just did disappeared when I went to edit it
I need to save in the future
I will share with Sari a "This Moment Calendar" I filled in when I first created it when I was in a meditative and perhaps wanting to appear meditative frame of mind
I will use the This Moment calendar myself and see what it is like to use it
My breathing is a little jagged
I feel some nervousness
I put my hands criss-crossed in the center of my chest
And ask for the Creator's help for today
In my humble way, I'd like to be in harmony
I'd like to be a BlessingSong
And put faith in practice as in the quote I read this morning:
"There are three kinds of Faith: first, that which is from tradition and birth. For example: a child is born of Muhammadan parents, he is a Muhammadan. This faith is weak traditional faith: second, that which comes from Knowledge, and is the faith of understanding. This is good, but there is a better, the faith of practice. This is real faith. (Abdu'l-Baha, Abdu'l-Baha in London, p. 64)
Oh Creator guide me
Oh Creator I trust you and all those that help me. may I be open to Your subtle suggestions
Love, Claudia
P.S. If you click on the calendar, as you know, the image will enlarge and you can read at least some of the words that are there. This was the meditative "This Moment Calendar" - the first one I created when I didn't notice fears and anxieties like I did today.
BlessingSong
What is a BlessingSong?
I don't know. The word just occurred to me.
I know once I was sick in the waiting room of a hospital and someone sang and it brought me hope. My heart went up an octave. Perhaps I can be BlessingSong for others... A song has rhythm, and often harmony, and words that are about a real experience or that inspire. I would like to be a BlessingSong. And if someone thought of me, or the moment I was in their life, they would feel that blessing again, and it would add to the blessing in their life and my life. Forgive me if I am a little esoteric this morning.
I wanted to answer Sari's question about how to use the This Moment Calendar. But first I want to share a quote I just read that presented a challenge. As I write about it I see it fits into the reflection on BlessingSong.
"There are three kinds of Faith: first, that which is from tradition and birth. For example: a child is born of Muhammadan parents, he is a Muhammadan. This faith is weak traditional faith: second, that which comes from Knowledge, and is the faith of understanding. This is good, but there is a better, the faith of practice. This is real faith. (Abdu'l-Baha, Abdu'l-Baha in London, p. 64)
The faith of practice. Yesterday I was part of a poetry reading at the Creative Arts Center....and afterwards I spoke with a younger poet - she was perhaps 21 or 22. And my conscience tells me that though I spoke with her about her college plans and she said she was honored to be part of a book with such poets, I didn't see her like I would see a peer my age, and that I practiced ageism. And I know I want to stretch and let go of these categories of conformity I've subscribed to. And I see how the society itself is keeling over because it signed up for conformity also - conformity on how much savings to have or not have and that debt was OK, and that certain people were enemies, etc...
So, in terms of the this moment calendar, these are a few of my current moments I would put into the calendar:
Breathing deeply, sighing, feeling a tinge of discomfort and sadness, feeling embarrassed to reveal myself, feeling open but a little scared, aware that I need to schedule my day as yesterday I didn't allot time to some important things, wanting to do dishes, left eye feels sore, so does right, bun feels tight on my head, I see the mess of papers and stuff on my desk, decide to get going, take hair out of bun, see glasses and eye glasses and stuff I want to put in purse when I stop typing, decide to schedule my day next, notice trees above my curtain and a dove on the wire above trees, take down curain so I can see two huge jacaranda trees, wonder at the lone dove sitting there that I hadn't seen, maybe it is a pigeon I think, but pigeons don't fly that high, do they?, wonder if this dove/pigeon is a sign from the Creator, facing me like this, maybe meaning that something beautiful is always there but I might not always see it - cause I'm looking in a different place, a flying creature/bug flies by...
Well, this was how my calendar went for that 10 seconds or so. I will include the moments calendar where I was either in a more meditative or trying to appear I was in a more meditative space, and...the dove-high flying pigeon is still there, my eyes are sore because I'm tired, I need to do something about my inflatable bed that is deflating while I sleep, and sagging.
I thought this post was lost because the page was blank when i returned to it so I started another labeled This Moment. (I found post - it had auto-saved). The "This Moment" blog continues from here and repeats the quote and some of the threads...but actually was valuable because I can see, and hope you can see, how movement occurred when I watched my moments as I continued in the ThisMoment blog. Have a good moment!!
Monday, August 11, 2008
EnlightenedGardener
This is a calendar for this moment.* One can use it to record thoughts or activities for this moment and then the next this moment and on.
Along that line, I want to recommend the book "The Enlightened Gardener" by Sydney Banks. What if the past is just empty images that have no substance but what we give to them? Warmly, Claudia
* I made this calendar a while back, thinking of people in the world that don't know if they will live the next moment, and the International Medical Corps who helps such people around the planet. It is copyright Claudia Gold, 2008. I think using it can open up a door to novelty, creativity and awareness. Let me know if you use it and what it was like.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
HappyBirthdayJohn
and Michael. Today is the birthday of my husband who died two years and three months ago. It is also the birthday of his twin Michael and of my uncle Rabbi Joseph Renov.
Happy Birthday!!
I am in Seattle at a Quality Inn, sitting outside the breakfast area smelling waffles, and mulling a strange set of events. I came to Seattle rather spontaneously to see my daughter off to a camp she just decided she wanted to go to. I was waiting in this hotel lobby where I'd stayed the night before to hear from a friend who'd said I could stay with her, and who I'd left a few messages for but couldn't reach. I was watching news about the rescued dog and the murdered wife that repeated every five minutes, on the TV. Finally, after waiting a while the friend called and said the logistics weren't right for me to stay there. I didn't tell her how vulnerable and homeless I felt, sitting there in the lobby as it rained outside. I also hadn't heard from another old friend in Seattle.
I haggled and got a good rate and then went into the one bed room, looking for a vase for the dahliahs I'd bought at the Seattle market for my friend who I was not staying with anymore $78 later. I put a plastic cup into the plastic rectangular ice container and set the yellow-orange, purple and white dahliahs there. I ordered Pad Thai and curry for dinner, and afterwards spoke on the phone to a friend who I value so much for her mind, her heart, her laugh, her spirituality, her creativity. In the course of the conversation she invited my daughter and I to live with her and her daughter for a year, in Atlanta! I can barely, oh yes, I will, take this in, that though I felt so lonely, here a person who I value so much wants to be with me and her daughter wants to be with my daughter. Through all the lonely, disconnected moments of the weeks, years of not having John, here this star shines through. So I have some big decisions ahead.
The decision to come to Seattle to bring my daughter to camp was made by following the light I could see in the camp - what it would do for her, this arts camp that focused on virtues. I felt John wanted her to go, and that was a bit odd, and as I reflected about it in the front garden near my house in San Pedro, a hummingbird flew up. It seemed like a possible confirmation. Then she came home Monday and said she wanted to go to the camp, after not wanting to for a week. I had to move a little bit of heaven and earth to get her to it - to get us to the plane in an hour and a half. I was so stressed that I was sobbing silently as I was making the reservations (can't really do that out loud to a reservastion agent, can you?). I have had CHALLENGES with decision making, with confidence, and I'm grabbing at that light, following that thread of light to make decisions for my life, no matter what it takes.
John's birthday. I will pray for him after waffles. One thing I will note about him is that he used his wisdom and humor in parenting, and was really sweet to snuggle with! Oh, and bless him for paying the bills all those years, and for his steadiness and sweetness and listening ear. Claudia
Happy Birthday!!
I am in Seattle at a Quality Inn, sitting outside the breakfast area smelling waffles, and mulling a strange set of events. I came to Seattle rather spontaneously to see my daughter off to a camp she just decided she wanted to go to. I was waiting in this hotel lobby where I'd stayed the night before to hear from a friend who'd said I could stay with her, and who I'd left a few messages for but couldn't reach. I was watching news about the rescued dog and the murdered wife that repeated every five minutes, on the TV. Finally, after waiting a while the friend called and said the logistics weren't right for me to stay there. I didn't tell her how vulnerable and homeless I felt, sitting there in the lobby as it rained outside. I also hadn't heard from another old friend in Seattle.
I haggled and got a good rate and then went into the one bed room, looking for a vase for the dahliahs I'd bought at the Seattle market for my friend who I was not staying with anymore $78 later. I put a plastic cup into the plastic rectangular ice container and set the yellow-orange, purple and white dahliahs there. I ordered Pad Thai and curry for dinner, and afterwards spoke on the phone to a friend who I value so much for her mind, her heart, her laugh, her spirituality, her creativity. In the course of the conversation she invited my daughter and I to live with her and her daughter for a year, in Atlanta! I can barely, oh yes, I will, take this in, that though I felt so lonely, here a person who I value so much wants to be with me and her daughter wants to be with my daughter. Through all the lonely, disconnected moments of the weeks, years of not having John, here this star shines through. So I have some big decisions ahead.
The decision to come to Seattle to bring my daughter to camp was made by following the light I could see in the camp - what it would do for her, this arts camp that focused on virtues. I felt John wanted her to go, and that was a bit odd, and as I reflected about it in the front garden near my house in San Pedro, a hummingbird flew up. It seemed like a possible confirmation. Then she came home Monday and said she wanted to go to the camp, after not wanting to for a week. I had to move a little bit of heaven and earth to get her to it - to get us to the plane in an hour and a half. I was so stressed that I was sobbing silently as I was making the reservations (can't really do that out loud to a reservastion agent, can you?). I have had CHALLENGES with decision making, with confidence, and I'm grabbing at that light, following that thread of light to make decisions for my life, no matter what it takes.
John's birthday. I will pray for him after waffles. One thing I will note about him is that he used his wisdom and humor in parenting, and was really sweet to snuggle with! Oh, and bless him for paying the bills all those years, and for his steadiness and sweetness and listening ear. Claudia
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
CreativeDreamsFantasiesOrHardWork
I am full with creating/writing/doing. I am inspired by a tape called "The Creative Fire" by Sounds True productions, where Clarrissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. said essentially that sometimes we leave our creative dreams as fantassies because they are lovelier that way. Doing them would mean hard work. This combined with what SARK said that we need to make mistakes, gives IMPETUS (I like that word)to do things imperfectly.
Gotta go create. Have an inspiring, creative day yourself, midst the practicalities.
Claudia
Gotta go create. Have an inspiring, creative day yourself, midst the practicalities.
Claudia
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
CollageAffirmingJackie
This is photo of collage I made for Jackie's birthday. Camber just called to teach me how to better blog. "The eye, I think, has more joy when it sees an image," he told me. In the photo you can see the ribbons - each ribbon is attached to a card and on each card I calligraphed a wonderful quality I saw in Jackie, so she can pull them out in a down moment and remember what a beautiful being she is.
At work the other day at a partial hospitalization program group session a woman said that when people say things they appreciate about others they become more beautiful. I will find the quote and post it here. So I guess the collage was for Jackie and for me. Signing off.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
IAmGratefulToEachPersonWhoReachedOuttoMe
This is a poem a woman named Kate sent today.
She wrote: It's by a poet from Wellfleet, Massachusetts named Marge Piercy. It's one of my favorites.
The Seven of Pentacles
Under a sky the color of pea soup
she is looking at her work growing away there
actively, thickly like grapevines or pole beans
as things grow in the real world, slowly enough.
If you tend them properly, if you mulch, if you water,
if you provide birds that eat insects a home and winter food,
if the sun shines and you pick off caterpillars,
if the praying mantis comes and the ladybugs and the bees,
then the plants flourish, but at their own internal clock.
Connections are made slowly, sometimes they grow underground.
You cannot tell always by looking what is happening.
More than half the tree is spread out in the soil under your feet.
Penetrate quietly as the earthworm that blows no trumpet.
Fight persistently as the creeper that brings down the tree.
Spread like the squash plant that overruns the garden.
Gnaw in the dark and use the sun to make sugar.
Weave real connections, create real nodes, build real houses.
Live a life you can endure: Make love that is loving.
Keep tangling and interweaving and taking more in,
a thicket and bramble wilderness to the outside but to us
interconnected with rabbit runs and burrows and lairs.
Live as if you liked yourself, and it may happen:
reach out, keep reaching out, keep bringing in.
This is how we are going to live for a long time: not always,
for every gardener knows that after the digging, after
the planting, after the long season of tending and growth, the harvest comes.
I am grateful -
to Sari, to Esther to Jalieh, to Kate, to Nancy, to Lilly, to each person who connected with me in my state of vulnerable humanness today (or on previous days).
This morning I wrote on a widows board about how hard it is for me to reach out when I am sad or lonely, and how much easier it is to do this through e-mail on the board for widows. After I put it out there, and I mean stuff rom childhood through the present about how much I extend my heart, it was freeing. I called a girlfriend and asked her to go for a walk; though she was not home, she called back later. Various people wrote to me and one asked me for my phone number and called. I am in that after-glow of receiving understanding, love. I feel like I'm surrounded with a kaleidoscope of wonderful beings, and if I wrote down every name from each source, I would be amazed. They are there - but my system for connecting with them isn't yet in a routine or regular and sustaining. They are there, like fountains, like beauty, like people who will write to you when you are down and they are not ashamed or embarrassed to be seen with you or shaming or embarrassing - they say they feel that way some times too.
I am so lucky. Now back to bills, throwing out piles of paper, etc...
But first, I bought three laundry holders in green, blue and white at Ikea the other day for Throw Away, Give Away, Put Away, as flylady.com suggests. And a friend came over - Laura Sweezey. She came over Sunday and began cleaning my sink. She helped me open up my Ikea laundry holders and I started to sort. Before I knew it she was out trimming my lavender plants where you had little 1/8th of side walk to walk on and together we made so much progress, and all this messy side of the house became swept and clean.
Who is she? A person from a simple family in Massachusetts, a working family. She said she likes to work, it makes her feel good afterwards. Then we went for a super energy smoothie at Jamba Juice with some berries from Brazil and soy milk - light purple, sipping away. What a friend. She told me she has training as a coach from Dale Carnegie, and she is a natural - feisty and not getting caught in the emotions. How lucky am I!
Monday I used the momentum to throw away more tree cuttings, trim a tree in the back of the house and totally organize the chaos in the landry-room (just remembered I have a load in that needs to dry). I also cleared a patio space out back to put give away items as Laura suggested.
If any of you happen to want to see my vulnerable human story of how it has been hard for me to reach out, just e-mail me at Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net. I reached out to Laura for help because she is a financial advisor and I'd seen that my output was greater than my input and had asked her for budgeting help. As she swept and chopped, to the point where she had several blisters on her hand, she said that sometimes this is part of getting the finances in order - you have to get your mind straight first. It helps me to know there is a harvest to come from this work!
Expressive Art Playhouse: I'd like to take this suggestion and have in the past:
1. Make anything on which you can list people who have offered to be a support to you, or who acted in loving, caring, uplifting ways.
1a. If you like, cut out angel wings, or sunflowers, or stars or some symbol you feel and write the name of the person, what attribute you see in them (loving, kind, humorous, generous, or ?) and a phone number of e-mail address on that object. You can, for example, do a whole list of names on one set of angel wings, or do a wing for each person.
1b. Or put the names on slips of paper in a box.
2. If you made wings or a star or sunflower or whatever, you can hang your design up on the fridge, or from anywhere you will see it.
3. When times get rough, and praying or reading or affirming or whatever you do isn't getting you what you want - you want a human understanding being to hold onto -pick one slip from box, or one person from the list.
I believe that I and other people who have lost someone that is a close partner need to be around other people a lot, the more in person the better.
Reaching Out Challenge
This is the challenge: To call someone you truly think is wonderful for at least one minute a week. Who will join me in this challenge? Can we do it for July?
Thanks for dropping by. I hope you will find hope and treasures and energy and all you need to do your highest calling and handle all the details of life.
Good night after a very full day. Claudia
She wrote: It's by a poet from Wellfleet, Massachusetts named Marge Piercy. It's one of my favorites.
The Seven of Pentacles
Under a sky the color of pea soup
she is looking at her work growing away there
actively, thickly like grapevines or pole beans
as things grow in the real world, slowly enough.
If you tend them properly, if you mulch, if you water,
if you provide birds that eat insects a home and winter food,
if the sun shines and you pick off caterpillars,
if the praying mantis comes and the ladybugs and the bees,
then the plants flourish, but at their own internal clock.
Connections are made slowly, sometimes they grow underground.
You cannot tell always by looking what is happening.
More than half the tree is spread out in the soil under your feet.
Penetrate quietly as the earthworm that blows no trumpet.
Fight persistently as the creeper that brings down the tree.
Spread like the squash plant that overruns the garden.
Gnaw in the dark and use the sun to make sugar.
Weave real connections, create real nodes, build real houses.
Live a life you can endure: Make love that is loving.
Keep tangling and interweaving and taking more in,
a thicket and bramble wilderness to the outside but to us
interconnected with rabbit runs and burrows and lairs.
Live as if you liked yourself, and it may happen:
reach out, keep reaching out, keep bringing in.
This is how we are going to live for a long time: not always,
for every gardener knows that after the digging, after
the planting, after the long season of tending and growth, the harvest comes.
I am grateful -
to Sari, to Esther to Jalieh, to Kate, to Nancy, to Lilly, to each person who connected with me in my state of vulnerable humanness today (or on previous days).
This morning I wrote on a widows board about how hard it is for me to reach out when I am sad or lonely, and how much easier it is to do this through e-mail on the board for widows. After I put it out there, and I mean stuff rom childhood through the present about how much I extend my heart, it was freeing. I called a girlfriend and asked her to go for a walk; though she was not home, she called back later. Various people wrote to me and one asked me for my phone number and called. I am in that after-glow of receiving understanding, love. I feel like I'm surrounded with a kaleidoscope of wonderful beings, and if I wrote down every name from each source, I would be amazed. They are there - but my system for connecting with them isn't yet in a routine or regular and sustaining. They are there, like fountains, like beauty, like people who will write to you when you are down and they are not ashamed or embarrassed to be seen with you or shaming or embarrassing - they say they feel that way some times too.
I am so lucky. Now back to bills, throwing out piles of paper, etc...
But first, I bought three laundry holders in green, blue and white at Ikea the other day for Throw Away, Give Away, Put Away, as flylady.com suggests. And a friend came over - Laura Sweezey. She came over Sunday and began cleaning my sink. She helped me open up my Ikea laundry holders and I started to sort. Before I knew it she was out trimming my lavender plants where you had little 1/8th of side walk to walk on and together we made so much progress, and all this messy side of the house became swept and clean.
Who is she? A person from a simple family in Massachusetts, a working family. She said she likes to work, it makes her feel good afterwards. Then we went for a super energy smoothie at Jamba Juice with some berries from Brazil and soy milk - light purple, sipping away. What a friend. She told me she has training as a coach from Dale Carnegie, and she is a natural - feisty and not getting caught in the emotions. How lucky am I!
Monday I used the momentum to throw away more tree cuttings, trim a tree in the back of the house and totally organize the chaos in the landry-room (just remembered I have a load in that needs to dry). I also cleared a patio space out back to put give away items as Laura suggested.
If any of you happen to want to see my vulnerable human story of how it has been hard for me to reach out, just e-mail me at Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net. I reached out to Laura for help because she is a financial advisor and I'd seen that my output was greater than my input and had asked her for budgeting help. As she swept and chopped, to the point where she had several blisters on her hand, she said that sometimes this is part of getting the finances in order - you have to get your mind straight first. It helps me to know there is a harvest to come from this work!
Expressive Art Playhouse: I'd like to take this suggestion and have in the past:
1. Make anything on which you can list people who have offered to be a support to you, or who acted in loving, caring, uplifting ways.
1a. If you like, cut out angel wings, or sunflowers, or stars or some symbol you feel and write the name of the person, what attribute you see in them (loving, kind, humorous, generous, or ?) and a phone number of e-mail address on that object. You can, for example, do a whole list of names on one set of angel wings, or do a wing for each person.
1b. Or put the names on slips of paper in a box.
2. If you made wings or a star or sunflower or whatever, you can hang your design up on the fridge, or from anywhere you will see it.
3. When times get rough, and praying or reading or affirming or whatever you do isn't getting you what you want - you want a human understanding being to hold onto -pick one slip from box, or one person from the list.
I believe that I and other people who have lost someone that is a close partner need to be around other people a lot, the more in person the better.
Reaching Out Challenge
This is the challenge: To call someone you truly think is wonderful for at least one minute a week. Who will join me in this challenge? Can we do it for July?
Thanks for dropping by. I hope you will find hope and treasures and energy and all you need to do your highest calling and handle all the details of life.
Good night after a very full day. Claudia
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Slowingdown
My house sucks. Smile. My house sucks big. My house is very messy. I was very overwhelmed by it and by my life today. I was overwhelmed at being single and having so much on me. I was overwhelmed that there was no one to help me (unless I asked), or paid for it. I was overwhelmed to have so much over time undone stuff that weighed on me night and day or at least day. I have been waking up paniced.
There is a soup bow with dried Tortilla Soup on the range, and the paper plates have dried up what's left of Trader Joe's dog food that I had to feed the cats because they were out of food, and asking. The dining room antique game table is full of piles of bills I hoped to organize but didn't get around to organizing and now they are mixed up, and there are other piles on top of them. I have been trying to get host families for Chinese families to make some money (plus have a good job), and I found one great host - need seven. Made up the flyer today - even gave a few out. I got bawled out over the phone by my supervisor this morning for having to leave a job prematurely months ago...when my kid was sick. So these were several of the things that weighed on me plus a neighbor who is older and handy shaking her head at me when I asked why someone would want to level a refridgerator before putting it in. "Do you even know what a level is?" she asked. (The new but used refridgerator sounds like a dentist drill at an airport when a plane is coming in).
As Dawna Markova describes, I was past the point of growth and in that other place where there's too much stretching. I was in a really scary place where I wanted to get rid of all that horribleness I felt, but it was me, and I didn't want to go off the edge, or did I to get rid of it - but I wanted my burdens to go off the edge only they were attached.
After days of feeling some strength, at least in the mornings, and feeling really good some days, the hugeness of all I need to do with papers, electricity repair people, handymen, bathroom baseboard job, Home Depot supplies, summer camps, jobs, got too much. I turned the porch light on - it blew out as I watched - smack. This is the one the electrician just got working two days ago. I turned the kitchen dimmer light on. That didn't work either. I'd just paid $90 for the electrician two days ago. I was on a slippery slope, and it was all too much.
Then my friend Jalieh called. Her voice was soft. She sounded different. I was embarrassed to be so funky, so triggered, so my brain exhausted. She lives in Atlanta and she told me again about this book she is reading, Slowing Down to the Speed of Life."
Because I have been losing papers right and left I wrote the title on a tile. Yes, on a white tile that was piled over my papers on the dining room table. In blue calligraphy pen. On another tile I wrote the author of this or another book she recommended: something about Anatomy of Peace. The author on my tile is George Pransky, pransky and associates.com (not correct address but close I suppose). These authors seem to have really analyzed what makes me feel my house and certain relatives and etc... suck, and why Jalieh makes me feel calm tonight. It was so awkward with her being so calm, peaceful, and me being like a seething fire in a black barbecue.
But by the end of the call I was Jaliehed, I was peaceful. She said she loves to hear my grounded voice and to say what I wanted from my heart. I'm making up the gist of it - it was even better. I prayed from my heart, (not the way we did it in synagogee, but the Christian way Toni - my Christian neighbor at the Johnson dorm at Columbia showed me to do it: personal from the heart). I also sang in another language while I prayed inside, because that frees up my insides to pray - forget about the words.
What if we did not betray our impulse to be kind, to be in integrity, no matter what anyone thought, without rationalizing and justifying it away? What if we were convinced that certain patterns could fall away, and we spared ourselves the constant debate, the inner fighting, the outer jousting and elbowing?
What if we were in harmony and others just added softness like Jalieh did, and asked us to pray or speak from our hearts, and we did, and one by one we felt loved, content and made those choices to not betray our souls? This is what occurs to me after hearing what she told me about the Slowing Down to the Speed of Life book.
She said something she'd also learned recently, about how to make decisions. She told me you ask a three point question (she added the fouth point): How will this choice affect you in ten seconds, in ten minutes, in ten years, for eternity? I realized it is my daughter that really counts to me for eternity. So what if the house sucks? I can get someone to help me with that. And there's a lot more electricity where that bulb comes from.
Good night. May you get through those times when you are at those crossroads of whether to snatch life - or paranoid ruminating, and make choices you smile about.
How are you today? Be well, well - be, welling, willing, being be
There is a soup bow with dried Tortilla Soup on the range, and the paper plates have dried up what's left of Trader Joe's dog food that I had to feed the cats because they were out of food, and asking. The dining room antique game table is full of piles of bills I hoped to organize but didn't get around to organizing and now they are mixed up, and there are other piles on top of them. I have been trying to get host families for Chinese families to make some money (plus have a good job), and I found one great host - need seven. Made up the flyer today - even gave a few out. I got bawled out over the phone by my supervisor this morning for having to leave a job prematurely months ago...when my kid was sick. So these were several of the things that weighed on me plus a neighbor who is older and handy shaking her head at me when I asked why someone would want to level a refridgerator before putting it in. "Do you even know what a level is?" she asked. (The new but used refridgerator sounds like a dentist drill at an airport when a plane is coming in).
As Dawna Markova describes, I was past the point of growth and in that other place where there's too much stretching. I was in a really scary place where I wanted to get rid of all that horribleness I felt, but it was me, and I didn't want to go off the edge, or did I to get rid of it - but I wanted my burdens to go off the edge only they were attached.
After days of feeling some strength, at least in the mornings, and feeling really good some days, the hugeness of all I need to do with papers, electricity repair people, handymen, bathroom baseboard job, Home Depot supplies, summer camps, jobs, got too much. I turned the porch light on - it blew out as I watched - smack. This is the one the electrician just got working two days ago. I turned the kitchen dimmer light on. That didn't work either. I'd just paid $90 for the electrician two days ago. I was on a slippery slope, and it was all too much.
Then my friend Jalieh called. Her voice was soft. She sounded different. I was embarrassed to be so funky, so triggered, so my brain exhausted. She lives in Atlanta and she told me again about this book she is reading, Slowing Down to the Speed of Life."
Because I have been losing papers right and left I wrote the title on a tile. Yes, on a white tile that was piled over my papers on the dining room table. In blue calligraphy pen. On another tile I wrote the author of this or another book she recommended: something about Anatomy of Peace. The author on my tile is George Pransky, pransky and associates.com (not correct address but close I suppose). These authors seem to have really analyzed what makes me feel my house and certain relatives and etc... suck, and why Jalieh makes me feel calm tonight. It was so awkward with her being so calm, peaceful, and me being like a seething fire in a black barbecue.
But by the end of the call I was Jaliehed, I was peaceful. She said she loves to hear my grounded voice and to say what I wanted from my heart. I'm making up the gist of it - it was even better. I prayed from my heart, (not the way we did it in synagogee, but the Christian way Toni - my Christian neighbor at the Johnson dorm at Columbia showed me to do it: personal from the heart). I also sang in another language while I prayed inside, because that frees up my insides to pray - forget about the words.
What if we did not betray our impulse to be kind, to be in integrity, no matter what anyone thought, without rationalizing and justifying it away? What if we were convinced that certain patterns could fall away, and we spared ourselves the constant debate, the inner fighting, the outer jousting and elbowing?
What if we were in harmony and others just added softness like Jalieh did, and asked us to pray or speak from our hearts, and we did, and one by one we felt loved, content and made those choices to not betray our souls? This is what occurs to me after hearing what she told me about the Slowing Down to the Speed of Life book.
She said something she'd also learned recently, about how to make decisions. She told me you ask a three point question (she added the fouth point): How will this choice affect you in ten seconds, in ten minutes, in ten years, for eternity? I realized it is my daughter that really counts to me for eternity. So what if the house sucks? I can get someone to help me with that. And there's a lot more electricity where that bulb comes from.
Good night. May you get through those times when you are at those crossroads of whether to snatch life - or paranoid ruminating, and make choices you smile about.
How are you today? Be well, well - be, welling, willing, being be
Sunday, June 15, 2008
UncloggingtheEmotionalDrain
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...
Affirmation for today:
I love being a being
Frank Corner: Yesterday I wrote about my morning ritual, which sometimes includes breathing into my heart, to see what remnants of events and interractions linger there. I realized today, as I did this practice, that when breathing into the heart, it is not only letting go, and loving what is there. It is spending a moment there with whatever one finds. (Sort of like going to the bathroom regularly, but for the emotions and soul).
Yesterday I was in excellent form and quite happy, but later in the afternoon I numbed out, went to a thrift store shopping and then was in a bad mood. Today I doodled while reflecting on an awkward moment yesterday with someone, someone I felt criticized by. I think this was what started "bumming me out." As I doodled, even giving it those few doodle seconds, I gained clarity on what was going on, and compassion for the young man, and learning about my part, which included seeing that I could have faced the "criticism" with humility. I also saw I would like to be more assertive in such a situation, and tell the person my perspetive too.
I sometimes think that this learning gets cut short by people being busy, and then they can get clogged up with all this unprocessed angst. I recall once going to Lake Panajatchel in Guatemala after a break-up with my boy-friend in 1978, and looking out at the lake, reflecting on years and years of my life and relationships. I guess we can have (make)vacations at Lake Atitlan (or our favorite lake, at least in our minds) daily where we unwind, learn, and enjoy. It was so green there at Lake Atitlan, and the people wore such fabulous colors!
Have a wonderful day. May your drain be clean with great flow. Claudia
Affirmation for today:
I love being a being
Frank Corner: Yesterday I wrote about my morning ritual, which sometimes includes breathing into my heart, to see what remnants of events and interractions linger there. I realized today, as I did this practice, that when breathing into the heart, it is not only letting go, and loving what is there. It is spending a moment there with whatever one finds. (Sort of like going to the bathroom regularly, but for the emotions and soul).
Yesterday I was in excellent form and quite happy, but later in the afternoon I numbed out, went to a thrift store shopping and then was in a bad mood. Today I doodled while reflecting on an awkward moment yesterday with someone, someone I felt criticized by. I think this was what started "bumming me out." As I doodled, even giving it those few doodle seconds, I gained clarity on what was going on, and compassion for the young man, and learning about my part, which included seeing that I could have faced the "criticism" with humility. I also saw I would like to be more assertive in such a situation, and tell the person my perspetive too.
I sometimes think that this learning gets cut short by people being busy, and then they can get clogged up with all this unprocessed angst. I recall once going to Lake Panajatchel in Guatemala after a break-up with my boy-friend in 1978, and looking out at the lake, reflecting on years and years of my life and relationships. I guess we can have (make)vacations at Lake Atitlan (or our favorite lake, at least in our minds) daily where we unwind, learn, and enjoy. It was so green there at Lake Atitlan, and the people wore such fabulous colors!
Have a wonderful day. May your drain be clean with great flow. Claudia
Friday, June 13, 2008
PowerofPrayerfulness2edited
Welcome. Camber's comments touched and graced me. He took the time to support me, my voice. Thanks Camber (http://thinkfabulous.com). I wondered when a big chunk of my former blog disappeared: Why? Was it maybe because I could be more honest, go more deeply into the experience this next time I re-created it? Did it have too much ego - can an "I" tell of feeling spiritually stopped in its tracks and taken on an inner journey without it sounding like the I did something - without ego in it inadvertently. Or was almost half that blog (sad face) deleted because I just need to remember to save event hough it auto saves?
Honestly, I was reading a book, it happened to be by Baha'u'llah, and I was holding it, and I felt that I was holding love. The author, and the other authors of books (and blogs, etc...) that totally inspire and uplift and give you hope, sacrificed to give this to us, out of love. I realized God/Creator is not historical but present. I thought of people in history who gave their lives for truth. And inside I inched a bit more towards faith. A little more. A little more. It was OK. I didn't collapse or die out of going out of my consciousness comfort zone.
I breathed into my heart, which like the body, has its own stiffness in places from events that haven't been let go of or loved. I breathed into it. A little stiffness is OK. (I learned about breathing into your heart in a workshop called Open Your Heart originated by Robbie Gass back East. It is just breathing deeply imaigning your breath going into your heart. You can feel the holding in the breath, too). And my internal became a place with an understanding all its own. In my previous post that disappeared I said it was a book without words - a mystery.
But my day has been powered by this stoplight of inspiration, from morning getting lost on the 10, meeting cousins from out of town at the Disney Concert Hall (brought back a huge leaf that I'm pressing from the gardens with the purple beaded flowers) to celebrating birthday with Jackie and her husband Tim seeing "Iron Man" to dropping daughter with her friends in Long Beach and picking her up. It is so delightful to be inwardly happy and you smile at people at the Disney Hall and they smile back, and everyone's with you, the parking lot Hispanic woman who has the sweetest smile, the cousins, and I even noticed in walking how my ego wasn't in it - I wasn't trying to overtake my cousins (I didn't realize that previously my walk would reflect my stance in the world)- my ego wasn't trying to prove itself, and it was a joy. And I didn't need to check my e-mail or my boards I write on because of was Creator sufficed. And this was opposite of the day before with me crying and craving being seen and loved, so I really appreciate it via contrast. I had everything inside and more.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Here is a journal question if you want one: What lessons are the people in my life offering me? Are any themes rising and falling? What boundary can I set to learn?
Who have helped open my heart...and my thanks to them.
Immerse yourself in inspiration if you like, you fountains of love, Claudia Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net
Honestly, I was reading a book, it happened to be by Baha'u'llah, and I was holding it, and I felt that I was holding love. The author, and the other authors of books (and blogs, etc...) that totally inspire and uplift and give you hope, sacrificed to give this to us, out of love. I realized God/Creator is not historical but present. I thought of people in history who gave their lives for truth. And inside I inched a bit more towards faith. A little more. A little more. It was OK. I didn't collapse or die out of going out of my consciousness comfort zone.
I breathed into my heart, which like the body, has its own stiffness in places from events that haven't been let go of or loved. I breathed into it. A little stiffness is OK. (I learned about breathing into your heart in a workshop called Open Your Heart originated by Robbie Gass back East. It is just breathing deeply imaigning your breath going into your heart. You can feel the holding in the breath, too). And my internal became a place with an understanding all its own. In my previous post that disappeared I said it was a book without words - a mystery.
But my day has been powered by this stoplight of inspiration, from morning getting lost on the 10, meeting cousins from out of town at the Disney Concert Hall (brought back a huge leaf that I'm pressing from the gardens with the purple beaded flowers) to celebrating birthday with Jackie and her husband Tim seeing "Iron Man" to dropping daughter with her friends in Long Beach and picking her up. It is so delightful to be inwardly happy and you smile at people at the Disney Hall and they smile back, and everyone's with you, the parking lot Hispanic woman who has the sweetest smile, the cousins, and I even noticed in walking how my ego wasn't in it - I wasn't trying to overtake my cousins (I didn't realize that previously my walk would reflect my stance in the world)- my ego wasn't trying to prove itself, and it was a joy. And I didn't need to check my e-mail or my boards I write on because of was Creator sufficed. And this was opposite of the day before with me crying and craving being seen and loved, so I really appreciate it via contrast. I had everything inside and more.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Here is a journal question if you want one: What lessons are the people in my life offering me? Are any themes rising and falling? What boundary can I set to learn?
Who have helped open my heart...and my thanks to them.
Immerse yourself in inspiration if you like, you fountains of love, Claudia Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net
ThePOWERofPRAYERFULNESS
Hi. I am psychic... I bet your name starts with.....a consonant...or a vowel...and you came here to read something uplifting. Thank you for coming. Oh, I see you are a person with beauty and aspiration towards your highest good and the good of others. Am I correct? That will be $100. Just kidding. Welcome. It is a good day.
It is Jackie's birthday and she is a very good person. She is the type of person who listens to the radio and is feeling so bad for the people in the stories that she thinks about what she could do for those people. Is she like you in that way? Happy birthday Jackie!
I am psychic. I can read myself. Yesterday my book was empty and I was desperate for someone to see me or hear me or love me or hug me or get me, or say my name lovingly. I cried, I wrote on a board for widows asking for hi's and hugs. Frankly, and I'll only tell you this, I hadn't done my making love with the higher Forces - I hadn't done my journaling to get everything out, all the frayed edges and the rotting and mouldering thoughts. All the yearnings and the smiles when I'd seen what I had achieved lately, and discerned where I was going. I was in the hole. I was a bagel without a center, like unto many bagels.
I hadn't read spiritual writings or imbibed their fresh bread smells. I hadn't reflected on them and I hadn't been transmuted by them. And I hadn't meditated and had that bonding, that bonding with "my" Spirit.
Today, God bless me, and you, and the other guy and gal, I did journal. I asked myself: What are your needs and how can you fill them with ease and trust? What is in your heart? What else do you want to say?
{The rest of this post somehow got deleted - will complete it later, including my thanks to Camber Hill for encouragement to be my unique self) Have a delight-ing day, Claudia
It is Jackie's birthday and she is a very good person. She is the type of person who listens to the radio and is feeling so bad for the people in the stories that she thinks about what she could do for those people. Is she like you in that way? Happy birthday Jackie!
I am psychic. I can read myself. Yesterday my book was empty and I was desperate for someone to see me or hear me or love me or hug me or get me, or say my name lovingly. I cried, I wrote on a board for widows asking for hi's and hugs. Frankly, and I'll only tell you this, I hadn't done my making love with the higher Forces - I hadn't done my journaling to get everything out, all the frayed edges and the rotting and mouldering thoughts. All the yearnings and the smiles when I'd seen what I had achieved lately, and discerned where I was going. I was in the hole. I was a bagel without a center, like unto many bagels.
I hadn't read spiritual writings or imbibed their fresh bread smells. I hadn't reflected on them and I hadn't been transmuted by them. And I hadn't meditated and had that bonding, that bonding with "my" Spirit.
Today, God bless me, and you, and the other guy and gal, I did journal. I asked myself: What are your needs and how can you fill them with ease and trust? What is in your heart? What else do you want to say?
{The rest of this post somehow got deleted - will complete it later, including my thanks to Camber Hill for encouragement to be my unique self) Have a delight-ing day, Claudia
Monday, June 9, 2008
FaultsOrWounds
I think that prayer and meditation is something like making love. First the foundation is the relationship with the good communication. For me this comes from the openness of journaling, where my feelings crawl out from denial, hiding, or half-hiding, and reveal themselves. I use journal pages I've calligraphed, and made into journals, and they remind me of what is calling for attention from my body, mind, emotions and Spirit (and anywhere else - image is jelly fish oozling through a tank in an aquarium). [For info on buying journals contact me at Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net, put Journal in subject line]. Here I also get in touch with gratitude, and honoring myself for the efforts I've been making. (This has been paying off - last night in my dreams again I heard a message that was positive that I imagine was from me to me, or from someone to me - I'll take it).
Then, on a good day when I don't turn on the Internet immediately, I read. I believe we are part of a Universal Mind, and others have traveled some interesting, inspiring places in it. I sign up for a cruise: today I went on the ship Sacred Moments. There, on the calendar page for June 9 I came across a quote I was wanting to find as recently as yesterday. It is from Sophy Burnham (http://www.sophyburnham.com/):
I have learned in recent years that my faults, the defects that keep me from creating the work I want to do, are not flaws or failures. They are wounds. The merest shift in the word shifts attitude. As failure, flaws, defects, I want to crush them underfood, smash their noses in, impale their heads upon a pike and mount it on the tower wall. But this is my very soul I am impaling there, the essence of my heart. Block, the inability to proceed, signals not a defect but a wound exposed; and curiously in our wounds lie our divinity...healing comes from tenderness. Embrace the wounds, wash them, bandage them with loving care...
That was an h'ors d'oevre. I was touched by the synchronicity of life bringing me a quote I'd been wanting to find. Next I read today from Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah. Baha'ullah was a mystic who was imprisoned and exiled for 40 years for his teaching about the oneness of humankind and eliminating all prejudices. But his writings are full of Spirit, they are like energy efficient 15 billion watt bulbs. I didn't even know from Spirit until I read Baha'ullah. (Here is recent NPR story on national elections of Baha'i Faith inspired by Baha'u'llah: http://chicagopublicradio.org/Content.aspx?audioID=24887
If you follow a spiritual path, whether Buddhism or Judaism or Christianity or Hinduism or Islam or another faith or follow a teacher or guru or believe in the Higher Self or Yourself, you know what it is to be mystically inspired, and you have books that inspire you in this way. The analogy here is to slow touch, where you are able to savor the moments, in this case, what you are reading. You are as receptive as you can be at that moment, opening up your view of the world to another's as much as you can manage at that moment.
Frankly, at some point, I often find myself saying inside something like Amen, but in me it comes out: Holy Shit! It is as if I get something that I didn't quite understand before, and I have to let go of some previous view of myself and the world to embrace it. It is like the imact - meteor hits earth. What I read this morning that impacted me had to do with that our connection with the Creator, the favor we receive in communing, has nothing to do with our own merit. I started to feel like everything I had and was was from the Creator.
After that reflection I wrote:
O Grace, thank you
O Benediction, thank you
O Guidance, Light,
Help, thank you
Everything
I owe to you,
Even my
ego
which
surrenders
before
its
Source
Maybe the Holy Shit is the orgasm.
Or maybe the orgasm lasts all day or as long as you hope it can because you are making love with life and the people you see in your day from a new vantage point.
And then there is being quiet and letting in understandings, or praying for direction for the day and listening, and, on a good day remembering to listen on how to be of service. I think going to clean my house is my next item on being of service today. I suppose quiet time could be compared to the bond with a partner (or oneself) after making love. As one woman I know referred to making love with her husband, it helps us "be in the same camp."
Have a wonderful day. Please comment because I want to see if putting myself out on a limb is reaching anyone putting themselves out on their limbs, too. Or if it helps motivate you to reach out from your favorite limb. Thanks. Camber from Think Fabulous (www.thinkfabulous.com) and I talked yesterday about saying what is really authentic and how that is so much more connecting with people. So this is my experiment.
Have a wonderful day of embracing those wounds when one rears its head. It is fabulous to have an embracing relationship within oneself. And to make love with the Creator through reading, prayer and reflection.
Claudia
Then, on a good day when I don't turn on the Internet immediately, I read. I believe we are part of a Universal Mind, and others have traveled some interesting, inspiring places in it. I sign up for a cruise: today I went on the ship Sacred Moments. There, on the calendar page for June 9 I came across a quote I was wanting to find as recently as yesterday. It is from Sophy Burnham (http://www.sophyburnham.com/):
I have learned in recent years that my faults, the defects that keep me from creating the work I want to do, are not flaws or failures. They are wounds. The merest shift in the word shifts attitude. As failure, flaws, defects, I want to crush them underfood, smash their noses in, impale their heads upon a pike and mount it on the tower wall. But this is my very soul I am impaling there, the essence of my heart. Block, the inability to proceed, signals not a defect but a wound exposed; and curiously in our wounds lie our divinity...healing comes from tenderness. Embrace the wounds, wash them, bandage them with loving care...
That was an h'ors d'oevre. I was touched by the synchronicity of life bringing me a quote I'd been wanting to find. Next I read today from Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah. Baha'ullah was a mystic who was imprisoned and exiled for 40 years for his teaching about the oneness of humankind and eliminating all prejudices. But his writings are full of Spirit, they are like energy efficient 15 billion watt bulbs. I didn't even know from Spirit until I read Baha'ullah. (Here is recent NPR story on national elections of Baha'i Faith inspired by Baha'u'llah: http://chicagopublicradio.org/Content.aspx?audioID=24887
If you follow a spiritual path, whether Buddhism or Judaism or Christianity or Hinduism or Islam or another faith or follow a teacher or guru or believe in the Higher Self or Yourself, you know what it is to be mystically inspired, and you have books that inspire you in this way. The analogy here is to slow touch, where you are able to savor the moments, in this case, what you are reading. You are as receptive as you can be at that moment, opening up your view of the world to another's as much as you can manage at that moment.
Frankly, at some point, I often find myself saying inside something like Amen, but in me it comes out: Holy Shit! It is as if I get something that I didn't quite understand before, and I have to let go of some previous view of myself and the world to embrace it. It is like the imact - meteor hits earth. What I read this morning that impacted me had to do with that our connection with the Creator, the favor we receive in communing, has nothing to do with our own merit. I started to feel like everything I had and was was from the Creator.
After that reflection I wrote:
O Grace, thank you
O Benediction, thank you
O Guidance, Light,
Help, thank you
Everything
I owe to you,
Even my
ego
which
surrenders
before
its
Source
Maybe the Holy Shit is the orgasm.
Or maybe the orgasm lasts all day or as long as you hope it can because you are making love with life and the people you see in your day from a new vantage point.
And then there is being quiet and letting in understandings, or praying for direction for the day and listening, and, on a good day remembering to listen on how to be of service. I think going to clean my house is my next item on being of service today. I suppose quiet time could be compared to the bond with a partner (or oneself) after making love. As one woman I know referred to making love with her husband, it helps us "be in the same camp."
Have a wonderful day. Please comment because I want to see if putting myself out on a limb is reaching anyone putting themselves out on their limbs, too. Or if it helps motivate you to reach out from your favorite limb. Thanks. Camber from Think Fabulous (www.thinkfabulous.com) and I talked yesterday about saying what is really authentic and how that is so much more connecting with people. So this is my experiment.
Have a wonderful day of embracing those wounds when one rears its head. It is fabulous to have an embracing relationship within oneself. And to make love with the Creator through reading, prayer and reflection.
Claudia
Sunday, June 8, 2008
WhatTheCreatorBrought
me...
a refridgerator from a woman who was big and generous; it was $100 and will be delivered, and her husband whose name is the same name as my husband's (John, which is always sensitive to hear. John died two years ago). John will take away the old one, and...the woman Michelle received bags of clothes I'd been meaning to take to Good Will. It was a kind of confirmation because I'm trying to pull things together on the practical plane because I'm at a crossroads - could move to N. California or ?? visit China?? go somewhere a job is offered where there is a good school for daughter, and I'm readying my life pile by pile (and there are many...oh so many), and garbage can of grasses and branches by garbage can of grasses and branches (hired someone to help clean yards yesterday). How can I say that just looking at Michelle and us catching eyes was like a heart to heart match, like playing jacks when you catch the ball and pick up the right number of jacks but with another person.
a good conversation on the phone with a relative who I got serious about forgiving while I was praying this morning. I mean I'd thought we might never bridge the distance - that she had done the unforgiveable. I saw, a bit grudgingly, that we both have different needs. This happened after I opened a book to a section about forgiveness (Sacred Moments http://www.virtuesproject.com/index.php and it asked something like: What do you need to let go to forgive? My answer was: Let go of being right.
a fabulous conversation at Trader Joes http://www.traderjoes.com/with Camber of Think Fabulous (www.thinkfabulous.com). In our conversation I was reminded that putting the honest feelings in my blog or any writing makes it way more interesting. I've held back some on this blog (http://AffirmationBank.blogspot.com)
groceries - including frozen berries and mango pieces I drink in smoothies, and tahini spread, and organic oranges.
a note from someone I met on OK cupid - someone who lives a few states over but still wants to chat as friends!
the writing of some new affirmations:
I am open to the best direction for my family - one fulfilling, satisfying, helping our growth on all levels and allowing maximum service for what we can offer in our lfe mandala now. This or something more inspired.
I take time to tend the plants of my deepest dreams.
I can, w/effort, follow a wonderful path and schedule times and enjoy making plans for creative dreams to manifest of writing, theater, teaching, etc...
I am refining my focus so my energy can manifest.
My eyes are open and hands ready to do what needs to be done to open doors for financial stabiity and prosperity in our lives.
* * *
and...especially the Creator, also known as IS (Incomparable Sweetness), The Great Spirit, "the unknowable essence", "the central orb of the universe" brought me some reading and prayer this morning. It took me inside to that place where I would like to figure out God, and that frustration of not being able to, and then some extending of of surrender to the God that infuses creativity and arts into our lifestream. The light having thus been turned on inside for my day, I felt I was giving out beaming vibes and people responded well to me. I even ran and danced in Trader Joes when I felt to (got warmed up at my 5 Rhythms class yesterday (SpiritWeaves.com http://www.spiritweaves.com/).
Now need to clean my house and fridge in preparation for the new working fridge coming tonight with my hands that I said were ready to put in the effort! I think I'm learning something in my older age - something about the gift of taking things a bit more slowly and looking at them up close.
I am open to a fabulous date, or even some going out with a friend. It's about time. May we be purple and green and loved and happy and thankful.">
a refridgerator from a woman who was big and generous; it was $100 and will be delivered, and her husband whose name is the same name as my husband's (John, which is always sensitive to hear. John died two years ago). John will take away the old one, and...the woman Michelle received bags of clothes I'd been meaning to take to Good Will. It was a kind of confirmation because I'm trying to pull things together on the practical plane because I'm at a crossroads - could move to N. California or ?? visit China?? go somewhere a job is offered where there is a good school for daughter, and I'm readying my life pile by pile (and there are many...oh so many), and garbage can of grasses and branches by garbage can of grasses and branches (hired someone to help clean yards yesterday). How can I say that just looking at Michelle and us catching eyes was like a heart to heart match, like playing jacks when you catch the ball and pick up the right number of jacks but with another person.
a good conversation on the phone with a relative who I got serious about forgiving while I was praying this morning. I mean I'd thought we might never bridge the distance - that she had done the unforgiveable. I saw, a bit grudgingly, that we both have different needs. This happened after I opened a book to a section about forgiveness (Sacred Moments http://www.virtuesproject.com/index.php and it asked something like: What do you need to let go to forgive? My answer was: Let go of being right.
a fabulous conversation at Trader Joes http://www.traderjoes.com/with Camber of Think Fabulous (www.thinkfabulous.com). In our conversation I was reminded that putting the honest feelings in my blog or any writing makes it way more interesting. I've held back some on this blog (http://AffirmationBank.blogspot.com)
groceries - including frozen berries and mango pieces I drink in smoothies, and tahini spread, and organic oranges.
a note from someone I met on OK cupid - someone who lives a few states over but still wants to chat as friends!
the writing of some new affirmations:
I am open to the best direction for my family - one fulfilling, satisfying, helping our growth on all levels and allowing maximum service for what we can offer in our lfe mandala now. This or something more inspired.
I take time to tend the plants of my deepest dreams.
I can, w/effort, follow a wonderful path and schedule times and enjoy making plans for creative dreams to manifest of writing, theater, teaching, etc...
I am refining my focus so my energy can manifest.
My eyes are open and hands ready to do what needs to be done to open doors for financial stabiity and prosperity in our lives.
* * *
and...especially the Creator, also known as IS (Incomparable Sweetness), The Great Spirit, "the unknowable essence", "the central orb of the universe" brought me some reading and prayer this morning. It took me inside to that place where I would like to figure out God, and that frustration of not being able to, and then some extending of of surrender to the God that infuses creativity and arts into our lifestream. The light having thus been turned on inside for my day, I felt I was giving out beaming vibes and people responded well to me. I even ran and danced in Trader Joes when I felt to (got warmed up at my 5 Rhythms class yesterday (SpiritWeaves.com http://www.spiritweaves.com/).
Now need to clean my house and fridge in preparation for the new working fridge coming tonight with my hands that I said were ready to put in the effort! I think I'm learning something in my older age - something about the gift of taking things a bit more slowly and looking at them up close.
I am open to a fabulous date, or even some going out with a friend. It's about time. May we be purple and green and loved and happy and thankful.">
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Santa Cruz
The affirmations that took place in my life recently:
Saw my cousins Sunday. Karen- who has this heart - how to describe it. It is like being at the Western Wall covered in a tallit, and the next second hearing her say she is intimidated opening the box of a massager you put over a chair, that she's technologically challenged. At the Passover Seder in April I heard her tell a woman about how long it took her to get dressed for the Seder, trying this outfit on and another, and the room she'd just spent a lot of time cleaning, now messed up with clothes. The woman smiled in relief: that was exactly what had happened to her that night she told me after Karen left, and she'd been very late to the Seder. And Karen is so aware of her boundaries and keeps voicing them with that voice that is like Vicks Vapor RubTM for the soul. She shows up all kinds of places through the phone or in person when people are in crisis.
Then my cousin Rachel. We went on a Bay cruise, the three of us. I hadn't seen Rachel since we were children. We went to the front of the boat to see the Golden Gate Bridge, accompanied by a bunch of macho guys, and we faced that wind, and braced against the boat, to see up close the bridge and the sky and the clouds, and the criss crosses of steel that made up that bridge as we passed underneath it. And this facing of life while she is overcoming a health crisis - this standing up to life and wind and man made and natural beauty.
Coming to Santa Cruz and being welcomed by old friends Jeff and Janey. Talking, telling about the crevices of life that I skip over with many people.
* + + * + + *
My dreams include to be a harmonious, wise parent, to tell some people about a secret treasure trove I discovered of sustaining beauty, to write books and journal pages in color, and to facilitate Body Blessing/Soul Blessing/Life Bolstering movement experiences. From my husband's death, though it seems trite or unspeakable to say, I see that I have breath now, I have memory now, I have capacity now, and we will not be living on this earth plane forever. One day each of us goes on. I remember a friend Jan I didn't know well. After her death, we had a reception at her home and there was in her bathroom a basket with barrettes of various kinds. And the image stuck with me. I was stuck with barrettes I have been seeking all my life to make myself look more pretty or refined or tame me. I have been searching for how to express my voice. I have been searching for how to keep pulling myself up this mountain we call life, how to elevate myself, and comfort myself when I fall down, how to make it through the moments of fear and insecurity while climbing, and how to help others while I myself am still clawing at my fingertips on footholds at times, but remember worse times! And what in this limited time of life that we have, what will I create and do? What a big responsibility. I am responsible for how I use this little actor time I have. I am responsible for how much I devote to parenting, to writing, for how I treat every being I see? I have the freedom to choose what perspective I will have, and I can't spend my whole life coming up with the mission statement - it begins now and now and now.
He died and I will die. What do I want to leave on this earth, or in the hearts of those I know or meet? How shy and conforming to what is expected do I want to be or how outrageous do I need to be?
I need I need I n e e d I need to keep following the hints around me and within me, those subtle hints the color of dawn and have the courage to be new versions of what I thought of as myself as I keep climbing. Aren't we all less who we thought we are and who others thought we were than who we are?
Saw my cousins Sunday. Karen- who has this heart - how to describe it. It is like being at the Western Wall covered in a tallit, and the next second hearing her say she is intimidated opening the box of a massager you put over a chair, that she's technologically challenged. At the Passover Seder in April I heard her tell a woman about how long it took her to get dressed for the Seder, trying this outfit on and another, and the room she'd just spent a lot of time cleaning, now messed up with clothes. The woman smiled in relief: that was exactly what had happened to her that night she told me after Karen left, and she'd been very late to the Seder. And Karen is so aware of her boundaries and keeps voicing them with that voice that is like Vicks Vapor RubTM for the soul. She shows up all kinds of places through the phone or in person when people are in crisis.
Then my cousin Rachel. We went on a Bay cruise, the three of us. I hadn't seen Rachel since we were children. We went to the front of the boat to see the Golden Gate Bridge, accompanied by a bunch of macho guys, and we faced that wind, and braced against the boat, to see up close the bridge and the sky and the clouds, and the criss crosses of steel that made up that bridge as we passed underneath it. And this facing of life while she is overcoming a health crisis - this standing up to life and wind and man made and natural beauty.
Coming to Santa Cruz and being welcomed by old friends Jeff and Janey. Talking, telling about the crevices of life that I skip over with many people.
* + + * + + *
My dreams include to be a harmonious, wise parent, to tell some people about a secret treasure trove I discovered of sustaining beauty, to write books and journal pages in color, and to facilitate Body Blessing/Soul Blessing/Life Bolstering movement experiences. From my husband's death, though it seems trite or unspeakable to say, I see that I have breath now, I have memory now, I have capacity now, and we will not be living on this earth plane forever. One day each of us goes on. I remember a friend Jan I didn't know well. After her death, we had a reception at her home and there was in her bathroom a basket with barrettes of various kinds. And the image stuck with me. I was stuck with barrettes I have been seeking all my life to make myself look more pretty or refined or tame me. I have been searching for how to express my voice. I have been searching for how to keep pulling myself up this mountain we call life, how to elevate myself, and comfort myself when I fall down, how to make it through the moments of fear and insecurity while climbing, and how to help others while I myself am still clawing at my fingertips on footholds at times, but remember worse times! And what in this limited time of life that we have, what will I create and do? What a big responsibility. I am responsible for how I use this little actor time I have. I am responsible for how much I devote to parenting, to writing, for how I treat every being I see? I have the freedom to choose what perspective I will have, and I can't spend my whole life coming up with the mission statement - it begins now and now and now.
He died and I will die. What do I want to leave on this earth, or in the hearts of those I know or meet? How shy and conforming to what is expected do I want to be or how outrageous do I need to be?
I need I need I n e e d I need to keep following the hints around me and within me, those subtle hints the color of dawn and have the courage to be new versions of what I thought of as myself as I keep climbing. Aren't we all less who we thought we are and who others thought we were than who we are?
Saturday, May 24, 2008
GRIEVING
I have been reading Make Your Creative Dreams Real by SARK (http://www.planetsark.com) over fast food Indian Chicken Masala, and now I'm back at a computer at the Marriott Hotel in San Jose, while my daughter attends a Fanime convention (fans of anime). In one of the chapters about creative dreams SARK suggests: "Take your main fear about living more of your creative dreams and describe it in detail." In the next chapter she has people identify reasons you "can and will live your creative dreams." Thank you SARK!
One of my dreams is helping people through sharing my experience. One of my fears is that it won't be well received, and that the writing will be too heavy (too honest) or too light (not honest and deep enough). Reasons I can and will live this dream is because I value how honest I can be, and I actually recorded in the midst of experiences with my hubby in the hospital to remember things that would be helpful, and this note to my friend C. is pretty fresh - surprised that grieving is certainly not over by year two. Grief support leader said people get back to themselves at year three!
Though I'm super tired, thought I'd share with you a note about what I learned about grieving (from going through the first two years of it after husband died), that I wrote to a friend who just lost her husband. This is copyrighted Claudia Gold 2008, because I intend to put it into a publishable written form.
Dear C,
What I learned about grieving and etc...:
That it felt good to express what I was feeling. I used tomzuba.com and Young Widows Bulletin Board http://www.ywbb.com, and a support group. At the beginning (first weeks, maybe month or three?) support groups are a bit much.
That I did not feel like reaching out at all, but that people who are grieving do better when they ask for what they need from friends and family and get much more help and support. Later you will still be grieving but people won't realize it and it seems to me hardest to explain later that you are still grieving.
That it's good to plan times to be at the beach or look at his pictures and things, (not that you have much choice) cause then it won't bite you in the butt as much (including while driving). At some point you might want to take an hour a day to allot to it - not that it will always fit into that. That tears are the key out of the prison of grief and to let yourself... If you find yourself suddenly crying you can go into a rest room and let yourself wail. I found a point where I was crying and laughing intermittently - kind of an unusual experience. There is primal stuff we didn't know we would experience - it's rather shocking.
That you may feel crazy at times (but you may be used to that). This is all from my own experience and what I learned - you may experience something different of course. Pacing is normal.
Guilt and regret can come up. It usually is not that fruitful. I'd recommend that if you get into this to really make some plans for making changes in your life and write them down - otherwise it seems kindof worthless over the long haul, doesn't go anywhere. Tom Zuba has some good perspectives on taking the pieces of the heart that one wants to keep and sorting out what one doesn't want to keep about one's life. It can be really a meaty time for transformation over time.
That one's filters are gone - and you didn't have many to start with. I had no sense of diplomacy when I wanted to work something out with someone - some school official or whatever, and made things worse by my bluntness and anger. I would bring someone to any negotiation or tender matter to keep yourself in check. People do not respond well to someone who is forthright in criticism or anger, and it is not worth it ultimately.
That the Jews were right when they said there is a wrip in the fabric when someone dies. We got so accustomed to them being part of the fabric of our lives - good, bad, indifferent or whatever they were.
To be careful when driving!
That there are disappointments because no one seems to get what we feel or need, and the need, vacuum is so huge - it's like nothing can fill it. People in the same family sometimes grieve different ways at different times and often aren't there for support. Other grievers get it more.
This is my little input this morning. Oh, also I think it is an excellent time, at least eventually, for sincere prayer and therapy if one needs it or believes in it. One's filters are gone so the defenses are so less. Bye-bye defenses.
I did not feel like cooking for...well, a long time, even maybe now I feel like doing it a little.
That sometimes people reached out to me but I didn't catch it (I felt awkward at being in such an unusual state)- and I wished I'd caught it and returned their call, or took them up on an offer to say sit with me and help pay bills.
To make a list of people who are loving and good and their phone numbers and call one a day if it would help.
Claudia To See my new blog - Http://WidowinDatingland.blogspot.com
* [Prison image and some other suggestions were given in groups led by Marilyn Kaplan, LCSW http://www.hoaghospital.org/services/PastoralCare.aspx].
** Hope this letter is of help to someone reading this blog
One of my dreams is helping people through sharing my experience. One of my fears is that it won't be well received, and that the writing will be too heavy (too honest) or too light (not honest and deep enough). Reasons I can and will live this dream is because I value how honest I can be, and I actually recorded in the midst of experiences with my hubby in the hospital to remember things that would be helpful, and this note to my friend C. is pretty fresh - surprised that grieving is certainly not over by year two. Grief support leader said people get back to themselves at year three!
Though I'm super tired, thought I'd share with you a note about what I learned about grieving (from going through the first two years of it after husband died), that I wrote to a friend who just lost her husband. This is copyrighted Claudia Gold 2008, because I intend to put it into a publishable written form.
Dear C,
What I learned about grieving and etc...:
That it felt good to express what I was feeling. I used tomzuba.com and Young Widows Bulletin Board http://www.ywbb.com, and a support group. At the beginning (first weeks, maybe month or three?) support groups are a bit much.
That I did not feel like reaching out at all, but that people who are grieving do better when they ask for what they need from friends and family and get much more help and support. Later you will still be grieving but people won't realize it and it seems to me hardest to explain later that you are still grieving.
That it's good to plan times to be at the beach or look at his pictures and things, (not that you have much choice) cause then it won't bite you in the butt as much (including while driving). At some point you might want to take an hour a day to allot to it - not that it will always fit into that. That tears are the key out of the prison of grief and to let yourself... If you find yourself suddenly crying you can go into a rest room and let yourself wail. I found a point where I was crying and laughing intermittently - kind of an unusual experience. There is primal stuff we didn't know we would experience - it's rather shocking.
That you may feel crazy at times (but you may be used to that). This is all from my own experience and what I learned - you may experience something different of course. Pacing is normal.
Guilt and regret can come up. It usually is not that fruitful. I'd recommend that if you get into this to really make some plans for making changes in your life and write them down - otherwise it seems kindof worthless over the long haul, doesn't go anywhere. Tom Zuba has some good perspectives on taking the pieces of the heart that one wants to keep and sorting out what one doesn't want to keep about one's life. It can be really a meaty time for transformation over time.
That one's filters are gone - and you didn't have many to start with. I had no sense of diplomacy when I wanted to work something out with someone - some school official or whatever, and made things worse by my bluntness and anger. I would bring someone to any negotiation or tender matter to keep yourself in check. People do not respond well to someone who is forthright in criticism or anger, and it is not worth it ultimately.
That the Jews were right when they said there is a wrip in the fabric when someone dies. We got so accustomed to them being part of the fabric of our lives - good, bad, indifferent or whatever they were.
To be careful when driving!
That there are disappointments because no one seems to get what we feel or need, and the need, vacuum is so huge - it's like nothing can fill it. People in the same family sometimes grieve different ways at different times and often aren't there for support. Other grievers get it more.
This is my little input this morning. Oh, also I think it is an excellent time, at least eventually, for sincere prayer and therapy if one needs it or believes in it. One's filters are gone so the defenses are so less. Bye-bye defenses.
I did not feel like cooking for...well, a long time, even maybe now I feel like doing it a little.
That sometimes people reached out to me but I didn't catch it (I felt awkward at being in such an unusual state)- and I wished I'd caught it and returned their call, or took them up on an offer to say sit with me and help pay bills.
To make a list of people who are loving and good and their phone numbers and call one a day if it would help.
Claudia To See my new blog - Http://WidowinDatingland.blogspot.com
* [Prison image and some other suggestions were given in groups led by Marilyn Kaplan, LCSW http://www.hoaghospital.org/services/PastoralCare.aspx].
** Hope this letter is of help to someone reading this blog
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
SelfTalk
This quote, which touched me, was posted in the Santa Rosa Memorial Hospital elevator today:
“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin quotes (American Writer and psychiatrist)
To phrase this as an affirmation, it could read, "Little by little, day by day, and moment by moment as I remember, I am loving the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”
I will be trying to turn the comment option back on. If any one reads this blog and has a comment, including wanting to share an affirmation, please e-mail me at Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net.
Thanks. Looking forward to hearing from you, Claudia
“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin quotes (American Writer and psychiatrist)
To phrase this as an affirmation, it could read, "Little by little, day by day, and moment by moment as I remember, I am loving the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”
I will be trying to turn the comment option back on. If any one reads this blog and has a comment, including wanting to share an affirmation, please e-mail me at Penofgold9@sbcglobal.net.
Thanks. Looking forward to hearing from you, Claudia
Monday, May 19, 2008
Seeds
One morning a week or so ago as I was waking from a dream I heard someone in the dream talking to me in this heartful nurturing way, as if I was most enjoyed. As I awoke, it occurred to me that this was me talking to myself, and all these affirmations are nurturing a kinder relationship between, well, me and me.
On this site I affirmed for a charming place to live in a place of beauty. I affirmed that I trust. We were driving back to lL.A. for the Mother's Day week-end, and I pretty much had let go of where we'd live for the next few weeks while I'd be finishing up my work in Santa Rosa. We had moved out of the apple orchard in Sebastopol, sad to leave great people and beautiful trees, with all our belongings loaded in the car. I thought we might be in The Flamingo Hotel motel when we got back. While driving I got a call from a couple from Bloomfield, offering us a place in their cute apartment upstairs from where they live. Half a block away lives a friend of my daughter's.
We are in a small farm community which, if it does have a sign with its name, has not yet been discovered by me. Here I saw an owl (looked like a big cat - on a telephone wire - it sat with me in silence), many hummingbirds - with green and red, birds with yellow on them, lots of those. I look out from above on some hummingbird feeders a couple feet from my eyes - and a number of them come feed sometimes. There are many feeders in the garden where we live and the birds love them. I did visit an apple tree in Sebastopol, because I sure missed seeing the apple's cycle of growing. It is quite pastoral here. Oh, daughter did get lightly electrified by a fence while petting a dog here, but it was a light zap. She also got chased by a skunk, and a kind neighbor shined the light on it, so they'd see what the heck it was. Yesterday went to Dillon Beach and saw lots of lambs, and huge rocks on the side of the road.
I enjoy the confidence of following my heart.
I enjoy the gift of the Creator's confidence in me, flowing through my words and acctions.
I enthusiastically welcome your affirmations in the comments section.
Please let me know if you are reading this blog! I've gotten some e-mails, and would appreciate comments in the little comment section after the text. Thanks!
Claudia
On this site I affirmed for a charming place to live in a place of beauty. I affirmed that I trust. We were driving back to lL.A. for the Mother's Day week-end, and I pretty much had let go of where we'd live for the next few weeks while I'd be finishing up my work in Santa Rosa. We had moved out of the apple orchard in Sebastopol, sad to leave great people and beautiful trees, with all our belongings loaded in the car. I thought we might be in The Flamingo Hotel motel when we got back. While driving I got a call from a couple from Bloomfield, offering us a place in their cute apartment upstairs from where they live. Half a block away lives a friend of my daughter's.
We are in a small farm community which, if it does have a sign with its name, has not yet been discovered by me. Here I saw an owl (looked like a big cat - on a telephone wire - it sat with me in silence), many hummingbirds - with green and red, birds with yellow on them, lots of those. I look out from above on some hummingbird feeders a couple feet from my eyes - and a number of them come feed sometimes. There are many feeders in the garden where we live and the birds love them. I did visit an apple tree in Sebastopol, because I sure missed seeing the apple's cycle of growing. It is quite pastoral here. Oh, daughter did get lightly electrified by a fence while petting a dog here, but it was a light zap. She also got chased by a skunk, and a kind neighbor shined the light on it, so they'd see what the heck it was. Yesterday went to Dillon Beach and saw lots of lambs, and huge rocks on the side of the road.
I enjoy the confidence of following my heart.
I enjoy the gift of the Creator's confidence in me, flowing through my words and acctions.
I enthusiastically welcome your affirmations in the comments section.
Please let me know if you are reading this blog! I've gotten some e-mails, and would appreciate comments in the little comment section after the text. Thanks!
Claudia
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Parenting
Please share any affirmations you would like to about parenting!
Here are two for today:
I totally accept and love myself as an imperfect but loving and making efforts parent.
I forgive myself for mistakes I have made in parenting.
Here are two for today:
I totally accept and love myself as an imperfect but loving and making efforts parent.
I forgive myself for mistakes I have made in parenting.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I Trust
Affirmation:
I enjoy the blossoms of friendship and the luscious fruits they yield into.
Frank Note*
I signed on for two more weeks at my job in Santa Rosa. I am trusting that a deeply heart-inspiring place to live will emerge for our stay here for at least 2 - 4 more weeks. This is an adventure.
I welcome you! I recently invited the folks on the Wacco board (http://www.waccobb.net/forums/index.php?gclid=CKaxm4KK6JMCFRGiiQodYRCtVQ) that helps community members know of events and make connections in Sonoma and Marin to visit this site. If you are new here, I thank you for visiting this blog and welcome you. I invite your courage in posting your affirmations under the little button that says: Comments. it is on the bottom of this post. And thanks. Claudia
I enjoy the blossoms of friendship and the luscious fruits they yield into.
Frank Note*
I signed on for two more weeks at my job in Santa Rosa. I am trusting that a deeply heart-inspiring place to live will emerge for our stay here for at least 2 - 4 more weeks. This is an adventure.
I welcome you! I recently invited the folks on the Wacco board (http://www.waccobb.net/forums/index.php?gclid=CKaxm4KK6JMCFRGiiQodYRCtVQ) that helps community members know of events and make connections in Sonoma and Marin to visit this site. If you are new here, I thank you for visiting this blog and welcome you. I invite your courage in posting your affirmations under the little button that says: Comments. it is on the bottom of this post. And thanks. Claudia
I Trust
Affirmations:
I trust the universe is assisting me and surrrounding me with compassion and help
I trust my inner resources and outer resources to guide me for my next steps towards worthy goals
I trust the universe is assisting me and surrrounding me with compassion and help
I trust my inner resources and outer resources to guide me for my next steps towards worthy goals
Monday, May 5, 2008
A Quick Note About 1/4 Inch Apples, and a Tree Half Dead and Half Full with Leaves
Went to the orchard two days ago seeing crows landing in the rows, and sad to see most of the blossoms gone. Had that just happened in two days or so? I felt like I was in mourning for all my flower friends.
When I looked closer I saw the tiniest 1/8 inch or 1/4 apples starting to grow, and out of the little pentacle that supported the flower petals. Some branches were hanging vertically with all these tiniest apples.
Across the street I ventured, having kept closer when I was new to the area. Another apple orchard. And there was a tree that had been destroyed and was rotting on one horizontal branch side, and the other side was green and full fo leaves and apples.
Frank Corner*
The "disabled" tree gave me hope that even thou there have been some trials and areas that have been...well rotten, that fruit can still thrive on a tree that's not....well, perfect.
* * *
As I walked in the first apple orchard looking at some blossoms still hanging in there among the and seeing that there were after all apples, I found myself crying and then laughing and laughing more and crying a little and telling myself jokes. No one could hear me. Or see me. I checked.
Affirmations:
I am good company.
I crack myself up.
I have a funny and good relationship with moi, myself, and I.
I have invited you and some friends I already know who are like apple blossoms - giving life to all on their path, to share some affirmations. I know sometimes they are personal. Please click the tiny comment button after my post when you are wanting to share. I look forward to trying on affirmations you share.
Playing with greetings: Have an awesome moment. Make a mindful moment. Give care.
When I looked closer I saw the tiniest 1/8 inch or 1/4 apples starting to grow, and out of the little pentacle that supported the flower petals. Some branches were hanging vertically with all these tiniest apples.
Across the street I ventured, having kept closer when I was new to the area. Another apple orchard. And there was a tree that had been destroyed and was rotting on one horizontal branch side, and the other side was green and full fo leaves and apples.
Frank Corner*
The "disabled" tree gave me hope that even thou there have been some trials and areas that have been...well rotten, that fruit can still thrive on a tree that's not....well, perfect.
* * *
As I walked in the first apple orchard looking at some blossoms still hanging in there among the and seeing that there were after all apples, I found myself crying and then laughing and laughing more and crying a little and telling myself jokes. No one could hear me. Or see me. I checked.
Affirmations:
I am good company.
I crack myself up.
I have a funny and good relationship with moi, myself, and I.
I have invited you and some friends I already know who are like apple blossoms - giving life to all on their path, to share some affirmations. I know sometimes they are personal. Please click the tiny comment button after my post when you are wanting to share. I look forward to trying on affirmations you share.
Playing with greetings: Have an awesome moment. Make a mindful moment. Give care.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Lush Bodies, Lush Hearts
A note about lush (large) women.
Today a lush (large) woman introduced herself to me and asked who I was. She was a nurse on a unit I'm working on as a travelers social worker.
I have a secret theory that I will tell you. It is that large women are a hidden mine of generosity and goodness. I once was invited to a luncheon honoring volunteers at my daughters school - she was then in second grade. I was surprised to see that most of them were large.
Large women enjoy the sensuality of food. Though this is all generalization... they may enjoy their laughter, enjoy their friends, and give in big ways. I am not the society's norm of the thin woman, and I'd like to take a moment to honor the large heart of a large, lush, radiant woman.
Images: A lush rug, comfy, cozy, comfortable.
A warm hug
A hearty laugh
I am open to the surprise goodness and beauty in people that don't fit societal norms of beauty - today especially honoring women larger than the U.S. societal norm.
I want to take a moment to honor men who love large women in various cultures around the world. Perhaps they have discovered what I suspect. L'Chaim to Large Women.
Frank Corner*
I suspect that in honoring and accepting my lush body that I can let go of weight I don't want.
To my body, after closing my eyes and breathing deep: I love you with all of your perfections and imperfections.
I welcome you to comment with affirmation you make up, use, that make you smile inside!
Today a lush (large) woman introduced herself to me and asked who I was. She was a nurse on a unit I'm working on as a travelers social worker.
I have a secret theory that I will tell you. It is that large women are a hidden mine of generosity and goodness. I once was invited to a luncheon honoring volunteers at my daughters school - she was then in second grade. I was surprised to see that most of them were large.
Large women enjoy the sensuality of food. Though this is all generalization... they may enjoy their laughter, enjoy their friends, and give in big ways. I am not the society's norm of the thin woman, and I'd like to take a moment to honor the large heart of a large, lush, radiant woman.
Images: A lush rug, comfy, cozy, comfortable.
A warm hug
A hearty laugh
I am open to the surprise goodness and beauty in people that don't fit societal norms of beauty - today especially honoring women larger than the U.S. societal norm.
I want to take a moment to honor men who love large women in various cultures around the world. Perhaps they have discovered what I suspect. L'Chaim to Large Women.
Frank Corner*
I suspect that in honoring and accepting my lush body that I can let go of weight I don't want.
To my body, after closing my eyes and breathing deep: I love you with all of your perfections and imperfections.
I welcome you to comment with affirmation you make up, use, that make you smile inside!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Affirmation: I trust in the process that leads my family to a location and activities that will be best for us. I am greatful for the Creator's connections for our future, and for all the good people we have met in the Santa Rosa area.
I am grateful for the gifts of the Creator within and without.
I enjoy the freedom, clarity and confidence of taking care of my happiness and heart longings.
I enjoy the freedom of taking care of my emotions, and containing, expressing, comforting and/or balancing them according to the needs of the moment.
I say yes to this life here. Even though I suffer at times with the pain of not knowing how to negotiate some communication with others or with ego stumbles or lack of confidence, I totally love and accept myself.
I say yes to apple blossoms.
Thanks for visiting here!
Journal: The first affimation is trusting when I am seeking to make all sorts of arrangements becuase I have an option to stay in the Santa Rosa area for an additional eight weeks or return to San Pedro and L.A. and need to decide by tomorrow. I trust. I trust my Spirit, my emotions, my body, my breath, this universe amongst the millions of universes, the Source of apple blossoms, and your power to create affirmations too.
I continue to trust when I stop trusting.
_____________________________
I thought one of my posts had slid through the cracks, but I by accident had posted it under Body Blessing. Here it is. (A recent one written to replace it has some similar and some different content).
Even though I woke up to a disturbing dream, and was a tad discombobulated, feeling pressure to do too much that I didn't get done, I totally accept and love myself.I totally need to give credit for this affirmation to a therapist Michelle Barone (forgive possible misspelling) who works a lot with home-schooling families who shared this style of affirmation at a conference. She learned it from a group called EFT started by Gary Craig. The basic format is: Even though__________________ (fill in the blanks)I still totally accept and love myself.This brings in the Jewish principle that the greatest spirituality is in bringing the highest consciousness to the lowest level. The Jungians also fish for the dark spots, for the deaths that then brink re-births.
Frank Corner*I love affirmations that reduce the shame level in the bank that is me.I especially accept and love myself when I make mistakes.*
*Following My Heart: Ah. I went with my daughter to buy her birthday gift for me to Beverly Crafts: calligraphy pens of gorgeous yellow-orange, teal, ocean blue, gold leaf, and a drawing pad. This morning Iwent into the bathroom - because it's the only private place for me in this house, and totally organized my Creativity Box, the box where I keep my calligraphy pens and pastels and oil pastels. I cleaned the little plastic sections, and took out pens that are mediocre or that I don't use. Then I created a border for a journal page.
Later I took a walk in the orchard, and saw a baby bee drinking in the pollen of a blossom. The blossoms reveal just where they are, and I noticed if I move closer towards them I enjoy them more. I think there is some parallel between this and the pause/the moment of reflection that lets you taste food, and go deeper in contemplation or prayer. At our house it is the fence that slowly opens when your car pulls up or out, making you pause. I look forward to you sharing your affirmation deposits and any journalling on them in the comment section. Perhaps one day I'll get more technoloically savvy or ask someone who is for another format where others'affirmations can be displayed more visibly.
Disclaimer: my notes are not designed like essays, and words will not always have the typical spellings, and there will not always be themes and then proper transitions. It is more of a flow, like walking this way and that among the apple trees taking in the branch full with blossoms, and the one with some blossoms and pink and white striped bulging buds, and then stopping at the new baby tree that has plastic wire protecting it. I often write while walking or after. Frankly, I think I identify with the buds at this point. I totally love and accept myself even though this blog is not perfect or in the perfect format as yet. I also have limited computer time now.Good night. Thanks for visiting. I am trying to keep the momentum of writing here every day despite limited time.
I am grateful for the gifts of the Creator within and without.
I enjoy the freedom, clarity and confidence of taking care of my happiness and heart longings.
I enjoy the freedom of taking care of my emotions, and containing, expressing, comforting and/or balancing them according to the needs of the moment.
I say yes to this life here. Even though I suffer at times with the pain of not knowing how to negotiate some communication with others or with ego stumbles or lack of confidence, I totally love and accept myself.
I say yes to apple blossoms.
Thanks for visiting here!
Journal: The first affimation is trusting when I am seeking to make all sorts of arrangements becuase I have an option to stay in the Santa Rosa area for an additional eight weeks or return to San Pedro and L.A. and need to decide by tomorrow. I trust. I trust my Spirit, my emotions, my body, my breath, this universe amongst the millions of universes, the Source of apple blossoms, and your power to create affirmations too.
I continue to trust when I stop trusting.
_____________________________
I thought one of my posts had slid through the cracks, but I by accident had posted it under Body Blessing. Here it is. (A recent one written to replace it has some similar and some different content).
Even though I woke up to a disturbing dream, and was a tad discombobulated, feeling pressure to do too much that I didn't get done, I totally accept and love myself.I totally need to give credit for this affirmation to a therapist Michelle Barone (forgive possible misspelling) who works a lot with home-schooling families who shared this style of affirmation at a conference. She learned it from a group called EFT started by Gary Craig. The basic format is: Even though__________________ (fill in the blanks)I still totally accept and love myself.This brings in the Jewish principle that the greatest spirituality is in bringing the highest consciousness to the lowest level. The Jungians also fish for the dark spots, for the deaths that then brink re-births.
Frank Corner*I love affirmations that reduce the shame level in the bank that is me.I especially accept and love myself when I make mistakes.*
*Following My Heart: Ah. I went with my daughter to buy her birthday gift for me to Beverly Crafts: calligraphy pens of gorgeous yellow-orange, teal, ocean blue, gold leaf, and a drawing pad. This morning Iwent into the bathroom - because it's the only private place for me in this house, and totally organized my Creativity Box, the box where I keep my calligraphy pens and pastels and oil pastels. I cleaned the little plastic sections, and took out pens that are mediocre or that I don't use. Then I created a border for a journal page.
Later I took a walk in the orchard, and saw a baby bee drinking in the pollen of a blossom. The blossoms reveal just where they are, and I noticed if I move closer towards them I enjoy them more. I think there is some parallel between this and the pause/the moment of reflection that lets you taste food, and go deeper in contemplation or prayer. At our house it is the fence that slowly opens when your car pulls up or out, making you pause. I look forward to you sharing your affirmation deposits and any journalling on them in the comment section. Perhaps one day I'll get more technoloically savvy or ask someone who is for another format where others'affirmations can be displayed more visibly.
Disclaimer: my notes are not designed like essays, and words will not always have the typical spellings, and there will not always be themes and then proper transitions. It is more of a flow, like walking this way and that among the apple trees taking in the branch full with blossoms, and the one with some blossoms and pink and white striped bulging buds, and then stopping at the new baby tree that has plastic wire protecting it. I often write while walking or after. Frankly, I think I identify with the buds at this point. I totally love and accept myself even though this blog is not perfect or in the perfect format as yet. I also have limited computer time now.Good night. Thanks for visiting. I am trying to keep the momentum of writing here every day despite limited time.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Welcoming Your Affirmations
What are your affirmations that help you, and/or make you laugh?
When I wrote recently here that my work was almost impossible, I realized that that was no affirmation. I started to ask the supervisor and a colleague for training and material to make me more solid inthe areas of my work that I had less knowledge in so that I can be more confident about offering an excellent job. Felt a little vulnerable doing that - but it's honest and helps me grow. I am seeing that my thoughts about my day, and my communications with my daughter are all either in the realm of affirmation - positive, or can spiral into risky territory, especially when I am tired. It takes awareness to consciously choose thoughts that are more positive. As talked about in tapes by Anthony Robbins, I'm selecting what I think about in the morning when I first wake up, such as choosing to think about my calligraphy which is a passion I feel enthusiastic about.
Today I had set an intention for an excellent day where I felt harmonious with staff. May all the staff I worked with and clients of the hospital I worked with be happy and well cared for.
I'm working on some visualizations for the next place where I plan to live as this temporary assignment in Santa Rosa has offered to extend. The current living place has people I've so enjoyed, and I am open continuing meeting wonderful people through where we live next. I'm also wide open for a cute dwelling that is beautiful, safe, and offers a good amount of privacy.
Please feel free to deposit your affirmations to this bank through your comments! Even if you see things differently than I do or have different approaches, your input is welcome!
When I wrote recently here that my work was almost impossible, I realized that that was no affirmation. I started to ask the supervisor and a colleague for training and material to make me more solid inthe areas of my work that I had less knowledge in so that I can be more confident about offering an excellent job. Felt a little vulnerable doing that - but it's honest and helps me grow. I am seeing that my thoughts about my day, and my communications with my daughter are all either in the realm of affirmation - positive, or can spiral into risky territory, especially when I am tired. It takes awareness to consciously choose thoughts that are more positive. As talked about in tapes by Anthony Robbins, I'm selecting what I think about in the morning when I first wake up, such as choosing to think about my calligraphy which is a passion I feel enthusiastic about.
Today I had set an intention for an excellent day where I felt harmonious with staff. May all the staff I worked with and clients of the hospital I worked with be happy and well cared for.
I'm working on some visualizations for the next place where I plan to live as this temporary assignment in Santa Rosa has offered to extend. The current living place has people I've so enjoyed, and I am open continuing meeting wonderful people through where we live next. I'm also wide open for a cute dwelling that is beautiful, safe, and offers a good amount of privacy.
Please feel free to deposit your affirmations to this bank through your comments! Even if you see things differently than I do or have different approaches, your input is welcome!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Enthusiastic to See Your Affirmations
Mystical Judaism has a saying about the height of spirituality being bringing the highest consciousness to the lowest levels. Jungian psychology, in a similar way, invites people to embrace their dark places inside, and even to fish for them.
In this spirit, I will share with you the affirmation that Michele Barone shared at a homeschooling conference, and which she learned from Gary Craig who teaches a healing technique called EFT.
The affirmation is: Even though ___________________ (fill in the blanks) I totally love and accept myself.
Even though I didn't get to all my cases at work today, I totally love and accept myself.
Frank Note* I like affirmations that reduce and/or eliminate shame, like this one does.
As you may know:
You can say affirmations while looking at yourself in a mirror.
One way to work with them is to write the affirmation on one side of a page, and right the resistances to the affirmation on the other, then write the affirmation again, then write resistance, etc... until the resistances run out and the affirmation starts feeling right.
Looking forward to seeing your affirmations. Please feel free to make deposits in the comments section, to journal there about interest you are receiving on your affirmations, and to comment on anything you read here. And feel free to make as many withdrawals as you want.
In this spirit, I will share with you the affirmation that Michele Barone shared at a homeschooling conference, and which she learned from Gary Craig who teaches a healing technique called EFT.
The affirmation is: Even though ___________________ (fill in the blanks) I totally love and accept myself.
Even though I didn't get to all my cases at work today, I totally love and accept myself.
Frank Note* I like affirmations that reduce and/or eliminate shame, like this one does.
As you may know:
You can say affirmations while looking at yourself in a mirror.
One way to work with them is to write the affirmation on one side of a page, and right the resistances to the affirmation on the other, then write the affirmation again, then write resistance, etc... until the resistances run out and the affirmation starts feeling right.
Looking forward to seeing your affirmations. Please feel free to make deposits in the comments section, to journal there about interest you are receiving on your affirmations, and to comment on anything you read here. And feel free to make as many withdrawals as you want.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
On Apple Blossom Festival Week-end in Sebastopol
I am excited to write - fluttering like the black bird that just flew over the orchard - the sky is blue with some white subtle streaks of clous above the row of tall trees to the left. The sun is hot on my face as I write from a faded blue fold up chair facing the rows of apple trees as far as I can see straight and to my right; to the left is a yellow tractor with a great big wheel with a yellow rim, with rows backed by higher rows of trees behind it. That is my world now.
And birds high and low sounds as if everyone's eatin' breakfast or getting dressed to eat - everything is in motion and the green weeds near this brick square of porch and the leaves of the apple tees blowing.
I am in motion - I am receiving a little piece ofheaven and even a moth or buterly that just visited on the glass sliding door behind me. I am in motion in my heart remembering my feriends who are in hardship - one whose husband has cancer - I know the worries that accompanied that for me when John had cancer four and a half long years but so short now. I remember Christine whose husband Phillip recently died. (Mr. Face just rubbed my legs passing by on his path. He is an Egyptian cat who sleeps with a Goddess - an adorable being next door Cassandra. It is she who inspired the human temple word in an affirmation about enjoying taking care of my human temple. That is a big affirmation to grow into).
[I have only 30 minutes on this library in Santa Rosa to write you and find another place to live for 8 weeks. In case I forget I want to add this note from an old big-hearted friend Layla, who when she heard of this bank wrote: Affirmation Bank! What a great metaphor for the way things work. Positive thoughts/words add to our "balance", while negative thoughts diminish it].
I want to reach out to them and see how they are and say I apologize for leaving L.A. at least for now. But when I journaledseveral months ago in L.A. I found myself writing: Living here is shattering my spirit.
I slept with a phone so I could phone 911 if someone broke in. (Once a man with a gun was discovered by me on my porch on Halloween, and before I left, a travel bag with someone's possessions was dumped on my doorstep, apparently a theft). I felt stuck - disliking the prospect of driving freeway to temp jobs and seeing that the commute had perhaps a wear and tear effect on John.
My life is far from perfect on all levels. I have much paperwork a-waiting my attention - paperwork I've avoided for two years. But, yes, but during that stuck angst I got a call about a possibility of a social work travelers job that would pay for me to live and work int he Santa Rosa area. I could not believe this would come through because they could have hired through an agency in Northern California. So I was surprized one day when Lily (who I later learned has the same birthday as me) called with her up-beat high voice offering me this six week job. And - friends...I was out of cash.
I keep saying - and there may be truth in it - that I think John and the Creator set this up for me. Now I'm not sure why. Perhaps - I can't remember - it was days asking for healing and help.
Now I've been offered eight more weeks here. The job is almost impossible - it requires everything I have and pulls on my least developed "functions" - being detailed and decisive. It makes me forget about myself - my past troubles.
I am seeing how my daughter and I can create a new little (or big - anywhere between) life and that we can make new connection with heartful and spirit-turned and solid people and generous people, peiople with greyer hair and perhaps mroe time to talk and more space to touch a person casually when they meet cause there's a bigger sky here and the nurture to the heart of the views. And perhaps some more contact with the wildness of horses, cows, goats, turkey buzzards, chickens.
I have tried before to be brief (there's a neon yellow-green small plane flying overhead and it's loud). Now there's a blue one following.
I'm now under a green leaved apple tree's shade. I will just share a few notes from my walkin in the orchard this morning. They may not relate linearly.
I appreciate where my soul's longing goes to.
With Your Brush
I paint Yoru Colors
With Your Love
I am Happy
WIth Your Apple Blossoms
I am Delighted
With Your Tests of Friends
I find Caring in me
WIth Your Creativity in me
I am excited and full
It is Your _____
To Make Me All I am
To Transform Me
Into Delight in Your Gifts
And Express Your Virtues in me
All have you as their potential greatness
and gifts to others within
* * *
Up close an
apple blossom
bud is
mysterious
and
feminine and
gorgeous and
succulent
How can I
be closed and
conforming
when I am
surrounded by
thousands of
blossoms
in
thousands of stages
of
unurling
themselves
bud to
decaying
_____ expect people
to behave
in certain
ways so
we feel
secure
don't have
to stretch
to attend
be
present to
their expression
at any
moment
* * *
Follow that intimation of heart, subtle.
I followed it with a longing for nature and it is GOOD.
Now I am open to seeing where can follow other longings into their goodness
* * *
The ladder of
Mistakes
leads to
learning
and
success
Even though my confidence and order are buds
I treasure the gifts and talents that I can't wait to blossom in my life's orchards. I entrust them to the Creator and pray for Your Guidance in manifesting them.
This or soemthing even better.
Enjoying,
Claudia
And birds high and low sounds as if everyone's eatin' breakfast or getting dressed to eat - everything is in motion and the green weeds near this brick square of porch and the leaves of the apple tees blowing.
I am in motion - I am receiving a little piece ofheaven and even a moth or buterly that just visited on the glass sliding door behind me. I am in motion in my heart remembering my feriends who are in hardship - one whose husband has cancer - I know the worries that accompanied that for me when John had cancer four and a half long years but so short now. I remember Christine whose husband Phillip recently died. (Mr. Face just rubbed my legs passing by on his path. He is an Egyptian cat who sleeps with a Goddess - an adorable being next door Cassandra. It is she who inspired the human temple word in an affirmation about enjoying taking care of my human temple. That is a big affirmation to grow into).
[I have only 30 minutes on this library in Santa Rosa to write you and find another place to live for 8 weeks. In case I forget I want to add this note from an old big-hearted friend Layla, who when she heard of this bank wrote: Affirmation Bank! What a great metaphor for the way things work. Positive thoughts/words add to our "balance", while negative thoughts diminish it].
I want to reach out to them and see how they are and say I apologize for leaving L.A. at least for now. But when I journaledseveral months ago in L.A. I found myself writing: Living here is shattering my spirit.
I slept with a phone so I could phone 911 if someone broke in. (Once a man with a gun was discovered by me on my porch on Halloween, and before I left, a travel bag with someone's possessions was dumped on my doorstep, apparently a theft). I felt stuck - disliking the prospect of driving freeway to temp jobs and seeing that the commute had perhaps a wear and tear effect on John.
My life is far from perfect on all levels. I have much paperwork a-waiting my attention - paperwork I've avoided for two years. But, yes, but during that stuck angst I got a call about a possibility of a social work travelers job that would pay for me to live and work int he Santa Rosa area. I could not believe this would come through because they could have hired through an agency in Northern California. So I was surprized one day when Lily (who I later learned has the same birthday as me) called with her up-beat high voice offering me this six week job. And - friends...I was out of cash.
I keep saying - and there may be truth in it - that I think John and the Creator set this up for me. Now I'm not sure why. Perhaps - I can't remember - it was days asking for healing and help.
Now I've been offered eight more weeks here. The job is almost impossible - it requires everything I have and pulls on my least developed "functions" - being detailed and decisive. It makes me forget about myself - my past troubles.
I am seeing how my daughter and I can create a new little (or big - anywhere between) life and that we can make new connection with heartful and spirit-turned and solid people and generous people, peiople with greyer hair and perhaps mroe time to talk and more space to touch a person casually when they meet cause there's a bigger sky here and the nurture to the heart of the views. And perhaps some more contact with the wildness of horses, cows, goats, turkey buzzards, chickens.
I have tried before to be brief (there's a neon yellow-green small plane flying overhead and it's loud). Now there's a blue one following.
I'm now under a green leaved apple tree's shade. I will just share a few notes from my walkin in the orchard this morning. They may not relate linearly.
I appreciate where my soul's longing goes to.
With Your Brush
I paint Yoru Colors
With Your Love
I am Happy
WIth Your Apple Blossoms
I am Delighted
With Your Tests of Friends
I find Caring in me
WIth Your Creativity in me
I am excited and full
It is Your _____
To Make Me All I am
To Transform Me
Into Delight in Your Gifts
And Express Your Virtues in me
All have you as their potential greatness
and gifts to others within
* * *
Up close an
apple blossom
bud is
mysterious
and
feminine and
gorgeous and
succulent
How can I
be closed and
conforming
when I am
surrounded by
thousands of
blossoms
in
thousands of stages
of
unurling
themselves
bud to
decaying
_____ expect people
to behave
in certain
ways so
we feel
secure
don't have
to stretch
to attend
be
present to
their expression
at any
moment
* * *
Follow that intimation of heart, subtle.
I followed it with a longing for nature and it is GOOD.
Now I am open to seeing where can follow other longings into their goodness
* * *
The ladder of
Mistakes
leads to
learning
and
success
Even though my confidence and order are buds
I treasure the gifts and talents that I can't wait to blossom in my life's orchards. I entrust them to the Creator and pray for Your Guidance in manifesting them.
This or soemthing even better.
Enjoying,
Claudia
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